Once again I am sitting here feeling the guilt of caving into my bulimia. I just do not understand. I had such a good weekend with no symptoms (besides exercise) of my bulimia, and actually went out to eat and enjoyed myself! I was happy and mentally I was in such a good place. I felt postive that I was going to be able to carry my good weekend into the week. I had a great breakfast and lunch, then when I came home from class I decided to have something small since I was a little hungry. I thought I could handle it, then before I could even realize what happend I binged and purged, then exercised. I remember at one point I was just so tired... I don't give myself any breaks. I exercise for hours, don't drink enough water, and I know I am not properly fueling my body right. It's just so frustering, because no matter how far I seem to come, there always seems to be something else in my way.
I just need to be busy constantly, but on a brighter note, my boyfriend took the scale with him. He knows that will help me, but I am a little nervous because the last time I weighed myself I was three pounds under what my doctor wants me to be at (this was also my lowest weight ever) and I want to make sure that I don't continue to lose weight. My mom has a scale in her room, but it is not one of those fancy electronic scales that tells me how much I weight to the nearest tenth of a pound, which I think will be better for me because I used to obsess if I was up a fourth of a pound.
I want to be able to listen to my body. Within the next week or so I am going to start training for a half marathon, and I need to learn how to listen to my body. I don't think I have given it a break from exercising and/or bulimia for months! Last week I didn't exercise for one day (that was my first time not working out in months) but I had a very bad day with purging so I probably would have collapsed. My body and mind are just tired, and I know I need a break from it all.
This was very long... but I haven't written in a while and I had a lot to say lol
Take care of your body and also cherish your body, only one given to us for this journey of life. Sometimes, try to drink vitamin water and do not overdo with exercise. Wishing you the best marathon run and God bless you.
Hi....I guess I would ask you if training and running in a marathon is in your best health interest right now? You say you have exercise issues, which sounds like, for you, could be a symptom.
Giving yourself a break from this, and allowing your body and your mind to heal would be a huge gift to yourself...think about it...Jan ♥
I know I shouldn't start this training program considering where I am at in my life, but honestly running is the one thing that gives me an escape from everything. I feel normal, and healthy when I am running. I realized that am not fueling my body properly and I am not giving it enough calories to support my two hour workouts, so today I ate a bigger breakfast and lunch (both of which were healthy with good sources of protein and fiber). I feel that if I up my calories I won't have those awful cravings!
I don't want to be the girl with the eating disorder anymore. And I've realized I have not been trying hard enough, I am focused and determined! I think I am going to put out a jar, and for everyday I go without bingeing and purging (I am not a restricter) I will put something in the jar, like a penny. And if I do binge and purge, I have to empty the jar and start over. I think this will keep me focused and once I get several pennies in there, I won't want to start over!
I understand what you mean with the running- Im the same, its a symptom but its also the only thing that calms me down and keeps me cool sometimes. Maybe if you don't allow yourself to go if you don't eat properly/better for you- I a doctor made me make this deal with her once. I can't say that I listened to it 100% but it definitely helped at times.
Also I really like your idea of a jar-- thank you for that idea, i think that could really help me :)
Yesterday before my run I had some cookies and icecream (that wasn't planned) and felt pretty guilty for a moment or two. But then I took the thought and put it out of my head and tried not to worry about it. My body needed the fuel, even if it was junk fuel, because when I ran I had one of my best runs ever. When I run, it clears my mind and even though others see my running as a sympting of my ED, I don't. I see it as my escape from my ED. When I am running I feel like a normal person with normal thoughts, and want to fuel my body properly to get me through the long runs.
And your welcome about the jar idea :) I started my jar yesterday and this morning I put my first penny in it for having a no purging day yesterday
I just wanted to thank you again for the jar idea. I started it wedns and it has definitely helped a lot- just having it there to remind me that i made it through yesterday makes today easier. It was a really good idea. Thanks :)
Amber! That is so great to hear! I'm so glad that something I thought of is helping someone else :)
It really does make everything easier, those pennies are such a reminder of the life that we can have, a life without an ED. I put my fifth penny in today and I still can't believe how good I feel! Before when I have gone this long without any binging and purging, I can feel my ED creeping up in the background trying to pull me back. But it's almost as if each day that goes by, not only am I putting another penny in the jar, but I'm also shedding a layer of this ED, and soon I will be left with a full jar, and a healhty and happy me!
Please let me know how the jar idea is working for you, I'd love to see everyone give it a shot! It's something so easy and it really does work for me, maybe it can work for everyone too :)
when i read the beginning of your post, its like i could have written it.. there are SO many times i seemingly am having a great day..eating proper meals, not feeling stuffed, getting my exercise in (i exercise A LOT too but probably not quite as much as you)... anyways, so i often feel like i'm having good days and things are under control and then BAM...
out of NOWHERE i either decided to eat something and go overboard or suddenly just feel the "urge" to want to eat all sorts of sweets, sugars, chips, etc...
and then its all downhill from there.. it takes so long to get back on track.
luckily today, i'm on day 2 of not bp. the longest i've gone in about a year has been 9 days...
i know my body needs to recover.
thanks for everything and i'm also putting out a jar...