*an inside to my life
I can't handle anything
so they gave me a small white pill
yes it was white
but to me it looks black
i pop it in my mouth
they make sure i swallow
make sure i'm not hiding it
they wait an hour, so i can't
throw it up
3 hours into the meds . . .
my mind is wrapped in
white velvet
seeping into the cracks of my
helplessness
pushing any reason or thought out
they place me in a room with a table
two men come in and sit me in a small white chair
they strap me down to the table with metal
cuffs
I've been sitting here for two hours now
they're waiting for a reaction
they're waiting for me to crack
i play a piano with my fingers
i know all the words to their sick game
i sing them, i scream them
they watch through the mirror
i feel a tingling in my arms
they begin to shake
i swear they are going to shake right out of the cuffs
my whole body is cunvulsing
i'm hanging from my wrists cuffed to the table
my knees curled beneath me
they've been trying to ask me questions
i can't answer
"Are you in pain?"
no
"Do you need assistance?"
no
"Let's just let her get through this. . . "
My wrists are red and there are cuts from shaking
it;s almost gone
but i still shutter
tears pour without the act of crying
the door opens
the chemical smell seeps in
i feel them grab my head to tip it
they stick the needle into my neck
i go limp and they put my back into my chair
i have cold metal on my chest and my head
i'm staring at a screen
they ask me questions
all i do is scream
they shock me
just enough to rattle my insides
and my heart
in a white cloak
blood stains my mouth and nose
i've been shocked thirty-two times
time to go home
they cleaned me up like nothing happened
she doesn't get told anything other than i had a
violent reaction
in the car
she tries to make conversation
i can't talk
she cries
i can't tell her what happened
i don't exactly remember
and i won't . . .
until it happens again next week