It has been suggested that I date online to get my mind off of things, in a casual way and not to start a relationship. I was told to post my status as separated, divorce pending, so my situation would be up front and could steer off those who expect or want a serious relationship. I am dying to replace obsessive thoughts with a new hobby and maybe it would be harmless. I am not on Facebook or anything of the sort and I know I am not healed or healthy for a relationship but maybe just some fun nights out here and there. Any thoughts from those who are in the middle of a divorce and are already dating?
Well, I can tell you that that's exactly what I did. And honestly it really took the sting out of what I was going through. The problem with that was...I had been married for 12 years and honestly didnt know how to be casual. It led to an 8 month relationship I was clearly not ready for. I eventually ended it and realized that what I had done what prolong the healing process. I kinda hid the problem for a while but when that ended the pain was as fresh as when I started. Don't get me wrong, if I had it to do again i think I might do the same thing, I was in such a painful place and it really did help occupy my time. Since then I've started another relationship....about 6 months now and still don't have it all figured out. I still have days where I look back at what went wrong in the marriage and wish things couldve been different. I really wish it was easier and I had the answers but I dont :(
Thanks for answering honestly. I think you hit it on the head when you said it took the sting out of what you are going through. i'd sure like that for a while. I am not even close to ready for a relationship, but I do think that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that I can't have mindless fun during the healing process. Men do it all the time and seem to get over loss so much quicker than women, who prolong the suffering by over-analyzing their flaws and what went wrong. I am not saying I am going to do it, but it was suggested to me as a diversion and I wanted to throw the idea out there..
I say go for it. You can easily post online that you are not looking for anything serious. I think there are a lot of people out there looking for the same thing using these websites. Go out and have some fun. You deserve it!
~~ crazymom
Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it, but it was suggested and I'll take anything to distract me from the pain right now. I just had drinks with a few girlfriends, and sitting in a lounge situation and seeing men around me literally turned my stomach. That's probably a sign that I'm not ready for this diversion but I'm trying to be open to all ideas.
Soft,
I've actually had a therapist tell me and read in several books that we need to get over the pain before we are healed and can truly move on with our lives. They say that if you go out to soon the sting will subside but when the fun and games are over with you just come right back to where you left off with the pain.
Personally as much as it hurts now I don't want to have to come back to this and deal with it again. I guess the saying "you can pay me now or you can pay me later" fits. Also there are many of us men out there that are in this situation. I'd like to have someone to hang out with of the female gender but I don't think I want to do that now. Just some food for thought not trying to be mean just relaying some info that I've been exposed to
Makes perfect sense to me. When I separated in 2002 I was devastated. Eventually, in early 2004, when still separated, I tried online dating. My heart was not in it at all. But I did meet one guy similar to my age and he was also dealing with a broken heart. We became support friends and went out to eat, talked on the phone, drank a glass of wine or two. That was very helpful to me. I eventually recnciled with my husband and the guy I met eventually remarried. We are in touch to this day and he is supporting me through this, with his new wife's blessing. We only text and email though and have talked on the phone just once, out of respect for his wife. He is sad for me that after years of reconciliation, it is ending in divorce after all. Pay me now or pay me later definitely applies here. I'd like to meet another broken hearted male friend who will go out to dinner and drinks just to talk and be supportive of one another. Having the perspective of the opposite sex is such a good thing. Thanks.
Soft, slow & easy & you may want to rethink meeting another "broken hearted male" as you mentioned, as that could be more then you bargain for as you wouldnt want to have to fill anyones insecurities/doubts cause you've done so much hard work & have learned so much along the way.
Do let us know how your doing w/the new chapter of your life.
Take care of you friend.
April
April, I agree with you and am definitely turned off by the thought of meeting the needs of any man at all. It turns my stomache. I am thinking friendship only to get through the healing with the help of male perspective. It was helpful 7 years ago but maybe then I just got lucky in not meeting a man who would suck the life out of me with his grief. My counselor is male, and I am telling you he definitely sees things differently than I do based upon many things, but one of them being his gender.
Soft, exactly, my sister once said to me they always want more & I didnt listen well & found out differently. I just wanted someone to talk to & as you said be friends with, so I know what you mean.
I guess I am just looking at any and all options to ease my pain right now. This site is mostly hurt women and it is helpful, but sometimes hearing from a man helps too. I know that the guy I friended years ago benefited from hanging out with me as much as I did him, and we never so much as laid a finger on each other, let alone intimacy.
I think it would be ok, but I would set myself some rules & terms. If your going to start dating again make sure your doing it for yourself & write down what you want to get out of it for yourself! Many people who are going through a divorce and have been married for a long time (19 yrs in my case) really have to learn "how" to date again & from the looks of thing the world has really changed while we where gone!
I think you will have to be very clear with yourself & your date on what you are looking to get out of it and be very firm with your feelings. I think we would all agree that we are all looking for that someone to make us feel better & be our soft place to fall, but there are so many ways you could get hurt all over agian & I don't want that for you! I am a man, but I can tell you some men are pigs! and will be looking to take advantage of your grief.
Getting over on someone, but getting under another is a funny quote! It did bring a smile to my face. But I think you would all agree, it's not the time we spend with others that is hard, it's the times we spend alone with ourself's that is the hardest part. So make sure you are doing this for you so you will have no regrets.
Its a scary world out there and I am not looking forward to it!
I am grateful for a man's perspective. As I said in a previous post, what I really want is a man to hang out with who is in a similar situation as mine. I find the male perspective to be comforting as it gives me some insight into why my own husband has done and is doing the things he does. I do not really want to date anyone, just have companionship. On a side note, during my marriage, we had a regular date night, almost weekly, for entire 11 years, so I do know what a good date looks like and feels like. All the more reason why it's so hard to let this marriage go. I am looking for emotional comfort with a male, and am in no way looking for intimacy. If I could find a guy who wants the same as me, I would be up for it. I am nauseated by the thought of intimacy with someone other than my soon to be ex husband, so a man who lies to me and says he doesn't want sex, but really does, will be sorely disappointed.
Dating online can be a great distraction, but it can also quickly become an obsession that you have to deal with just as much as the thing you were trying to get away from in the first place. I have been chatting online since before my separation officially began. I've met a lot of people who are only interested in one thing when all I'm interested in is companionship and conversation. I have actually now met someone in a similar situation and we are helping each other through things. So it can be very beneficial to you as long as you treat it as what it is and don't become too emotionally invested in it.
That's exactly what I would be looking for: companionship of a man in a similar situation. I do not want emotional investment, and certainly not physical. I just find online to meet only certain needs and sometimes a face to face can have a greater benefit. We all need human contact.
I have many single girlfriends who have told me that many people out there on some sites are just looking for casual sex anyways. Not my thing. But I do believe in what others are saying here that it delays the pain. Just like drugs delay the emotions you're trying to get away from, I think getting involved too quickly in another relationship is exactly the same risk. If my current situation leads to divorce, I try to think of all the things I'll do with my girlfriends & my kids. Unfortunately a few of my friends are ending up divorced in our early 40's. But I'm the only one whose husband asked for the separation. All my friends left their husbands so they were SO READY to move on. I'm the one with the tears all the time. =( I've started getting together with a group of girlfriends often. They've been a great distraction because we just laugh, watch movies, enjoy some wine.... be goofy and silly. I always feel better with them.
I think the only way to get through times like these is to surround yourself with friends. Even when you don't think you want to be around people, you should force yourself.... I'm taking this advice myself while I type it. =P
I had an interesting offline experience. I had a chance to get in contact with a college guy who wanted me to break up with my ex (then boyfriend) and date him. He clearly had feelings for me and we did go out a few times, but I was in love with my ex and missed the signs of impending doom. Talking on the phone with him did ease my present pain and he even said he would come up to visit me (we do not live in the same state). However after 20 hours of conversation, he never called back.
So my counselor suggested I casually contact him again this year. We talked several hours and after 2 phone calls there hasn't been anymore contact.
The point of this story for me is to tread carefully. I do not want to be devastated again by a man who does not understand what women need and want. I too would like a friend, but I am going to give myself time to heal before I go online. I don't often meet available men in my line of work. I don't wnt to be a maid and cook for a man either. I am hopeful that there are good men out there, and that maybe I will one day find a friend.
When I first made this post, a full month ago, I was desperately seeking anything whatsoever to take my mind off of my pain. I was scrambling to find any sort of relief. I never did pursue online dating because the bottom line is it makes me sick to my stomache to think about going out with a stranger and pretending everything is fine. I am still scrambling to escape the pain, but have found that meds, a counselor, self-help, and tons of calls to girlfriends is the better answer for me.
Soft,
I've done everything you've mentioned to ease the pain as well.... what I'm telling myself I probably need now is to find a therapist. =) I've ordered books, checked out books, read groups like this online, talking & cried to MANY friends.... I'm still hanging on to any chance of keeping my marriage together. But the hard part about that is wondering if I'm going to get my hopes up only to be back here again in the future... It's such a horrible emotional rollercoaster ride.
One thing I have looked in to but haven't had much success is finding a divorce support group locally. Has anyone tried that?
Separated: The therapist I am seeing suggested I get into a divorce support group, but I haven't been able to find one that isn't biblical, so I haven't joined anything yet. Ironically, when I told him I am getting online support, he immediately gave me two thumbs down. I think he was afraid it would become a substitute for meeting real people in real time, and once I assured him I am also doing that, he backed off. I started a new book today. How to Get Him Back from the Other Woman: If You Still Want Him! It was recommended to me years ago by a friend whose husband had left her for another woman. They divorced, but eventually he came back and they remarried. I used some of the ideas in the book in 2004 when my husband and I had been separated and I found out he was seeing someone. We reconciled. This time, although we are divorcing, we both still love each other. He is numbing himself with a girl as of now. I am rereading this book, not for any other reason than it gave me comfort in 2004. I still filed for divorce. Actually, as far as I know, the other woman didn't come into play until he found out I had filed for divorce. The other woman wasn't the dealbreaker for me. It was his abandonment for a period of time when he was overwhelmed, feeling rejected, and having a meltdown. I have hopes of a reconciliation down the road, given that there is lots of love, but the divorce will go through either way. I read in one book that holding on to hope is crazy, but I do not have a way of turning it off with a switch, and my feelings are my feelings.