I lost a male friend (someone i cheated with - husband knows and we worked it out) - the thing that really bothers me is that is not me and all i want is our friendship back and to forget what happened between us (i think i was so desperate for attention and good sex i acted a bit slutty but then i got needy and emotional - not sure which was worse!) BIG mistake i know BUT i was desperate and dying to find out what it was like with another guy - someone i was EXTREMELY attracted to and liked A LOT. i had problems with my husband at the time to the point where divorce was an option. anyway, we were on good terms with each other for 25 years though we only reconnected a bit over two years ago. I was always a good girl/buddy in his eyes and vice versa but thats completely damaged now forever - he doesnt even want anything to do with me at all. i shouldnt want anything to do with him either and this is where my real problem comes in - WHY CANT I JUST FORGET HIM?????? i thought i was finally over him and figured forget the friendship because a friend of a friend badmouthed him saying he tried to reconnect and be friends with him again (they were great friends in HS) and found it he changed so much to something worse it wasnt worth his time. That made me be able to not care about this guy anymore and its not even the guy but the whole fact that my image is destroyed and tainted forever and its not who i am! i disgraced myself with my husband (though we are fine now) and with this guy and even a friend of mine whom i confided this information with. it was a complete and total disaster and i guess the only thing that can help is time but its already been over a year. what is wrong with me?????? i think even though i love my husband he really isnt the right one for me and i realized that after many years with the way he treated me and his lies, rudeness, etc. maybe that is why i cant let this guy go even though he was a **** to me - i never saw it coming and couldnt accept the fact that he completely changed. i dont know. i really dont. i am reminded of things like songs from the time when we were talking and flirting and it puts a lump in my throat every time. its so ridiculous! HELP!!!!!!
the thing with my title for this is that i tried to reconcile with him and put things behind us but always screwed up somehow making him finally not talk to me at all and ignore me. my foot never tasted so bad! i'm such a dumbass with all of this i know. but i just want to really truly look at all of this (and i do try to forget) and not care anymore - i want to not care what he thinks of me and be content.
this is not about my cheating so please dont reprimand me - been thru enough of that!!!!!!!! this is about not being able to get over the fact that this guy and i are no longer friends because of ME. things stopped btwn us but the whole friendship thing was different and it pisses me off that i screwed it all up. if it were someone i just met or only knew for a little bit i wouldnt care but this guy represents my childhood and all that used to be good and now that is all tainted. i cant get over that and the fact that HE hates ME.