Orthorexia

Its good to know i'm not alone in my struggle to overcome personal problems and issues.I plan on seeing a therapist very soon to get help but i don't feel quite ready yet.. so joining an online support group seemed like a logical first step. :)

Growing up i was a pretty sheltered child, i spent most of my free time playing sports and doing activities with my mother. I considered her my best friend and we did everything together. Even through highschool, i was very shy and didn't have very many friends but my mother was enough for me and i thought the world of her. I have one sister and we have always been pretty close too.

When i left for college things changed a lot. I started to grow up and learn the ways of the world. Its not all sunshine and rainbows, people can be deceptive and break your trust. My relationship with my mother began to weaken because we could not relate to each other as much. I was partying and having a good time and i no longer wanted to go to the grocery store with her or sit and read books for hours. At the beginning of the summer of my sophomore year of college my relationship with my mother completely crumbled. Her and my father decided to divorce on the grounds that he was an alcoholic and was not willing to admit it. I have never thought that my father had a drinking problem, he does not wake up in the morning and pour liquor in his coffee. He has a few drinks after work most days but to me thats not a problem he is a good man and he has always worked extremely hard to provide for his family.
I was stuck in the middle of their divorce, i would go from one house to another and listen to them rant about each other. My mother and i would have horrible fights because i took my father's side.
My relationship with my mother eventually completely crumbled, she basically disowned me and told me to go live with my father. We did not speak or have any type of contact for about 7 or 8 months. I lived with my dad and his girlfriend and they both were there for me when i needed someone the most.

Towards the beginning of this whole divorce mess i also developed orthorexia. Its hard to see that you have a problem and some days i still go back and forth in my mind over whether or not i really have a problem or if this is an actual condition. My intuition tells me that something has to change though and that i can lead a better life. Orthorexia is a disorder in which one obsessively exercises in a patterned routine and controls what they eat but not in order to lose weight. One limits their diet to certain foods and will only eat those foods, and in my case i eat them in a repetitive pattern.
Perhaps i developed orthorexia when i felt as though i lost control of my life as a way to cope and gain some sort of stability.

After 6 months of silence my mother and i began to repair our relationship. Its been about a year and a half and I have just now begun to realize the effect all of this has had on me. I developed bad social anxiety and depression which i was taking zoloft for, however it made things worse so i was actually switched to adderall. It has helped me immensely, i feel much more self confident and willing to be around and meet new people.

When my mother disowned me i felt bad about myself, i started to hate myself and think that i wasn't good enough to have friends or even be happy. Our relationship is stable at the moment but we will never be extremely close like we used to be. I have changed and so has she, we are different people and i always have the feeling that at any moment she could hurt me again.
I like to compare my mother to the wife from the movie American Beauty. On the outside she tries to act perfect, like the sun never stops shining. But she lives in her own self involved delusional world in which she comes before everyone else. And she only cares to involve others in her life when she can gain some sort of benefit.
She will do something nice one minute and then the next she will stab me in the back. My sister has a good relationship with my mother and she just doesn't understand how my mother and I can't be together all the time.
My mother broke up with her boyfriend Jack and moved into a new apartment 2 days ago. I took a big step and contacted my mother to ask her if she needed help moving. I did not stay the night at her apartment but i felt good about myself knowing i did something nice for her. My mother's ex boyfriend was home while we were moving her things out and he kept saying inappropriate things to me like "your mother is quick to turn on people i see where you are coming from now: and "you got the boot last year guess its my turn now." At first i just felt extremely hurt but then i realized he was the one hurting and he was just trying to look for a way to deal with his pain.

Last night my sister and i got in a huge fight because she doesn't understand how my mother and i can't have a close relationship. She was so excited my mother was getting a new place and couldn't wait to be over there all the time. But i don't feel the same way, I still want to keep my distance I want to have a relationship with my mother but i will never let her fully in again.
My sister said so many hurtful things to me, and i have really never felt so low, i cried for hours. She brought up my orthorexia and other issues and just really managed to crush me into the ground.

I am and probably always will be an emotional person. I take what people say to heart and that will never change. I'm struggling but i realize that other people are too and as long as i keep an open mind and try to do the best i can the sun will rise and set another day. If you have any advice, words of wisdom, or comments they are much appreciated. Thanks!

AB,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now... Eating disorders are a lot about the need for control. It makes sense to me that you started to develop an eating disorder at the time when your life started feeling out of control. Sometimes when so desperate to have a sense of order in our lives, we will focus on food because it is something that we have direct control over. I can't imagine the pain you must be experiencing as a result of your parents' divorce. It must be awful feeling estranged from your once close mother. I hope you will be able to heal that relationship in time.

Please continue writing.

Love,

Jen

Thank you so much for replying. I have had a very rough day but you just made it brighter. I wish being aware of my eating disorder would help me fix it but it doesn't. I know i need to talk to a therapist and i have hope that i will find the strength to do so very soon. :)

A good therapist that specializes in eating disorders is very important... It can be scary to reach out the first time. But you CAN do this! :) It's very brave to admit you need help. It's not easy, but it's very empowering. It took me a couple of months of writing here before I worked up the nerve. It gets easier. ♥

Love to you!

Jen