So, I ate breakfast, cleaned my apartment a little bit, took a nap... I feel so thoroughly exhausted and like the exhaustion may be hunger. But I'm unsure and afraid to eat. I give myself too options (and not in a way that's a punishment, but in the habitual way of taking these actions always), to either eat or sleep. And if I eat, it is assumed I will binge and purge. Binging and purging has become my way of eating, my way of letting some caloric energy enter into my body, allowing my body to take - fast as it can - SOMETHING, before I take it all away.
I am sitting here, HUNGRY, aware that there are other options. For me, right now, for lunch time, today. But they all bewilder me. What are they exactly? What could I eat? How much? Why can I? Is that, will it be okay? I feel paralyzed. By the want not to binge and purge, in concert with the conviction that if I eat I will binge and purge. I have no food in the house... just restaurants down stairs and on the surrounding blocks. If I go to one, I feel that it's certain that I'll eat the whole thing and be overwhelmed and have to be rid of it.
I want to sit in front of something that is not overwhelming, that feels good and nourishing and safe... I don't know what that is exactly and can't begin to fathom what it would be. At this point, the size of my hunger is so much larger than the size of what my body needs, and I am afraid of that. (It is a hunger that could eat three pizzas and a sheet cake and a little body that could use a salad with some protein and some grains).
How to take a step...