Out of Nowhere

OK, so yesterday wasn't all that successful as I've already written about - I ate little and walked more than a professional hiker but today, something's happened. I went for a two-hour morning walk and my mind was panicking. I hate not being in control and my head is fighting with itself in me being able to get help.

On my way back, I was playing with the idea of having a proper lunch. One part of my mind was saying "it's only one lunch, it's not going to make a difference" then another part of my mind would say "don't be so stupid, you'll stress yourself out too much afterwards or won't be able to stop eating". Anyway, this resulted in me buying a salt-free baguette on my way back from the market along with some fruit which I haven't had for a while.

You would never believe it but for my lunch, I've eaten a bowl of soup, a little piece of bread, one fig, a fat-free yoghurt, a slice of pineapple, a slice of apple, one grapefruit and a tiny piece of chocolate...it was hard to stop but I stopped myself. At first, I felt in a state of panic and wanted to walk but I've managed to stop myself and focus on staying inside until dinner when I am actually going to try and eat a balanced meal. All I have to do is stop myself exercising. A moment ago, I felt a massive sweep of emotions and had a little cry but I'm ok now, just wondering what I can do which won't involve exercise. It might be a LONG afternoon!!!

Have you considered taking up gardening? Or maybe helping someone in theirs? By this time of year, the weeds have won in many places and help is appreciated.

Gardening seems to give one the long view.

We live one day at a time, get healthier one bite at a time. You are on track!
All the best today.

Oh La La,

I'm so glad you took it easier on yourself and ate a good lunch! :) I know you haven't eaten much lately, so although your lunch may have felt too big, it wasn't at ALL! ♥ I know that I still seem to gravitate towards the low fat foods, too. Fruit is something that used to be a much bigger part of my daily diet. Yes, they're low cal, but something I'm learning is that the less fat a food has, the less satisfying it is in the long-term. I pay attention to the fat in my foods, but I don't rigidly limit it. Some days I find I really don't want much of it. And then, after a couple of days on the low end, when my hunger springs up, I find that some higher fat foods really satisfy me. :) It's a balancing act. One which I'm allowing my body to do on its own. Amazing! ♥ Now... Calories... That's something else entirely... Those really do need to be consistent... For those of us recovering from eating disorders... The temptation to cut them back always seems to be there... And with that temptation comes the risk of bingeing... Which I HATE above all else! :P

I remember my study abroad program in Europe... I've never walked so much in my life! :) It was MARVELOUS! Just be careful to walk when you WANT to, and not because it's some crazed calorie burning obligation. ;0)

How long have you been in the south of France? What do the locals do for fun? Have you met many people yet? Socializing is difficult, particularly in a foreign country, but... It's important to recovery. And you're worth it! ♥

Much love,

Jen

Hello!

Thank you for your replies!

Ruth: I'm not much of a gardener and I think it's far too hot here to be doing that! One day, I'm sure I'll have a garden of my own and will develop a passion for it - growing my own vegetables has always been a little dream of mine! Your suggestion has got me thinking more of hobbies which I'd like to get stuck into!

In terms of how today has gone, I managed to stay in for a while but it became too boring!!! I had a little sleep and then thought I'd pop to get some ciggies - instead of walking five minutes to the shop down the road, I found myself taking a much longer route (an hour longer!) in order to 'burn some calories' which brings be to Jen's reply! Yes, I have an awful habit of controlling fat - it's how my ED began - it's been going on for over ten years, although my ED has only really become a 'problem' in the last 4 months. A friend of mine has suggested that I put a little bit of cheese in the bread I've bought today to have on top of my 'usual' dinner. I'm feeling quite brave and am going to try a little.

I also used to eat a lot of fruit! I used to love it! I really enjoyed the fruit I ate today. I have all of this pineapple left over and I don't want it to become another 'gone mouldy in the fridge and chucked out' item! So, I'll mix it up with my yoghurt after my 'cheese sandwich' dinner. I'm really worried about this cheese sandwich thing actually - NO BIG DEAL, people eat cheese sandwiches all the time, one 'mini' cheese sandwich is really no big deal (I tell myself!) so I'll go for it!!! In fact, I think I'd best go for it sooner rather than later before I talk myself out of it!!!

Jen, you've actually explained my recent (or maybe if I'm honest, not-so-recent) binging - it has to be the calorie cutting I've been doing crossed with the walking. I haven't been in the South for too long, a few months. I'm meeting people slowly...I'm definitely glad I moved here but I want to be healthy again to really be able to enjoy it!

I'm so thankful for all of your replies, it's really starting to show me a lot about possibilities!

Cheese sandwich (well, reduced-fat cheese in a tiny piece of bread) - IN MY TUMMY!!!! I did it! I even added a 'scraping' of mustard - it was incredible! Followed by fat-free yoghurt and pineapple. I feel rather proud of myself today!

Oh…I just wanted you to know that I am following this ‘string’ and I admire your tenacity and courage to push through some very real fears! It is inspiring!! HUGS…Jan :heart:

Oh La La! That's wonderful!! :) You SHOULD be proud! ♥ Sounds like a yummy and nutritious dinner. :) The cheese will do you wonders! :) I know what you mean about the guilt... When I drank milk for the first time in years, I actually cried! LOL! Milk!! Good grief... EDs will mess with the mind, won't they?? ♥

Good for you! Hope you have a great day tomorrow! :)

Jen

:) I know, I was having a laugh with my mum on the phone about the cheese sandwich...I was saying that I can't believe that this felt like a breakthrough when in a healthy life, it wouldn't even be considered, let alone congratulated!!! Eds certainly do mess with the mind but an important point to be raised...that we should learn to distinguish the difference between the ED talking and ourselves talking - I nearly took myself for another walk this evening but an old friend called and afterwards, I realised that I don't actually need to take a walk!

Hope you have a great day tomorrow too!

Hi Jan,

I've only just seen your reply, thank you! I don't know how today is going to go, not feeling quite so upbeat as I was yesterday but all could change. Someone posted in another thread to 'take each meal as it comes' so I'm going to go for that mindstate today...I don't really feel like 'planning' it but I have just found a twenty-euro note and am tempted to venture down aisles I've been avoiding at the supermarket - but this is just an idea!

How is your new job going? I start part-time hours at the end of August.

oh_la_la...what kind of work will you be doing? Something you love, I hope!
I love my job...thank you for asking!
Have a great one...HUGS..Jan ♥

I'm a language teacher - yes, I love it - I haven't done it for a little while though!!! The start date is my motivation to get better, as well as for myself!

I had a really crappy day today, I walked for hours and hours and didn't eat like i could yesterday. However, after my attempt at dinner, I REALLY didn't want to go to bed feeling like I'd failed - I managed to eat 6 weetabix with milk - the first one was a REAL struggle but then it turned into a bit of a binge but I managed to stop myself and think, let it sit inside you, let it stay! I feel a bit strange but proud of myself - I feel like I'm going to be a balloon when I wake up tomorrow if I am not already like one but I keep telling myself that it's definitely for the best. My target is to somehow make tomorrow some kind of 'three-meal day'. I just can't seem to control all the walking and exercises.

Hope everyone is ok. :)