Picking-up The Pieces

Life has been hell the past 10 years when I got a terrible case of HOCD. Then about 5 years ago I got the Aggressive OCD. Both instances were triggered by smoking pot. Both times the pot made me hyper paranoid and flipped-on the ocd. However, these were not my first. I had had ocd about me dying about 15 years ago and that too was flipped on by smoking pot. So, kids, take my word of advice....it may be better to layoff the pot.

OCD has made me soooooo weird! I am on high anxiety and adrenaline with any social interaction. I get the "deer caught in the headlights" type of look. Eye contact with other people is terrifying.

I'm interested in taking medication for my condition. Can you guys tell me what is the most common and effective drug for ocd......and i know it's not pot...haha! : )

ocd has ruined most of my life. My family, the disfunctional quacks that we are, pretty much does not want much to do with me because I've become so weird...in other words, they can not understand what the heck is wrong with me. To them, ocd is some sort of made-up sickness. I feel like such a loser for allowing this illness to have such an impact on me. I use to have the support of my family but not no longer. I use to have lots of friends - boys and girls - but not no longer. I use to have a beautiful wife but not no longer. I use to have a good paying and promissing career....but gues what, not no longer.

I must say that I feel 3/4 of the way out of this strangle-hold. However, after being isolated and weirded out for so long it's not so easy to just walk back in to society like nothing ever happend.

I've read some your post and I know that some of you out there understand what I've been through because your experiences are sometimes so similar to mine. To all of you that have been through the hell that I've gone through, I would like to say "peace" brothers and sisters...may serenity and love stike upon you soon one day.

dear sergiodoy, i suffer too. from pain and loneliness and obsessive and compulsive thoughts and processes. and one thing i found missing in your post was a conversation about your relationship with God. how is that going in your life? as for meds, i am here to tell you that without a strong relationship with God that includes prayer i did not make much progress no matter what i did. when i learned to turn my life over to the care of God as i perceived Him to be things started working for me. as for meds, your doctor is the best guide on that. each one of us has our own perscription or cocktail that through trial and error works for one and may not work for another due to many reasons and it would be highly irresponsible and unethical to reccommend any one medication to you. except to say that there is relief in medication for obsessive and compulsive type problems. i will pray for you and if anything i said makes sense take what you like and leave the rest. please keep writing posting and you will find alot of support on this site from many wonderful people here. all my best with faith and hope in your recovery, from a humlbe prayer warrior.

Stanisz, thank you for reaching out. I have no doubt in what you say...

Dear Sergiogodoy,

I am 55 years old and have been suffering from "Pure O" OCD, specifically "Harm O", pretty much all my life. Looking back, I think I had it from the time I was a young child. But it became "full blown" by the time I was seventeen years old. Mine also was triggered by smoking pot. This is the first time I've heard anyone else say the same thing. Although pot is probably the most benign drug for most people, it is toxic for me. If someone offered me a million dollars to smoke it again, I wouldn't, (SERIOUSLY)! It messes with my head that bad!

As far as medication goes, so far, Luvox has worked the best for me. But everyone's chemistry is different and I don't know how it would work for
you. Being we share the same "aversion" to POT, maybe our chemistry is similar. It may be worth a try. Anyway, good luck to you in this thing we call "LIFE".

Jonialane;

Thank you, I appreciate your reply-post.

It's interesting to hear that your ocd too was triggered by smoking pot. For me, it happened like a "bad trip" that never went away. I was okay before smoking the pot. Then I smoked the pot....go into this bizarre super hyper paranoid state like a hellish bad trip with panic attacks and all. But unlike a bad trip that you can wake-up from the following day, mine stayed....OCD. The other interesting thing is that mine too is "Pure-O".

My OCD was so terrifying to me initially that I swear I had if not one, then two certified nervous break-downs.

I am resolved to beat this or dye trying. So far I have read a bunch of books on anxieties, ocd, phobias and panic attacks. I recently just finished doing 5 years of psychological therapy. And now I just made an appointment to see a psychiatrist that specializes on ocd for next week.

I would say that I'm 75% to 80% recovered....and it feels great! Having made this much recovery I am re-energized to continue attacking this disorder with everything I got. I will seek meds, continue therapy and openly talk about it to everyone and anyone that will listen (I don't care who I scare). What I find helps me the most is talking about the thoughts that scare me the most. The more I openly talk about them the more they disappear. The more they loose their power.

Thanks for listening,

Sergio

Sergio,

My OCD onset happened just like you described yours did. I was what I considered "normal" at the time, smoked the pot and started having all kinds of bizarre and frightening thoughts. I thought I was going crazy. And like you, I haven't been the same since. It was like I had opened Pandora's Box, and once I did, there seemed no way to close it. It was like I had a horror flick going through my mind pretty much 24/7. Looking back though, although not the same, I had a few signs of OCD as a younger child also.

You said earlier that you have the aggressive kind. Does that mean you fear harming others? That is the kind I have. What is particularly hard about this type of OCD is that there seems to be no "safe place". You are continually in a super high state of anxiety because you are afraid of yourself. It is relentless. As soon as my eyes would open in the morning, it would start and my thoughts would torture me throughout the day and night. The only relief I could get was when I went to sleep and didn't have to think. If you are afraid of spiders, you stay away from them. But how on earth do you get away from your own thoughts. Your head goes with you wherever you go. The more you fight the thoughts, seems to give them more power. It was also hard to admit to other people what was going through my head. I thought people would think I was crazy and be afraid of me.

Back when I first started seeing psychiatrists, there wasn't any affective treatment or medications for OCD. I think that "Pure O" was even harder to treat at the time because the compulsions were not as easily observed. I've been doing alot of reading though lately on the subject and evidently they have made alot of progress treating the disorder in the past 15 years. I am unemployed right now with no insurance and unable to see a doctor who specializes in OCD. My oldest daughter, who also has the OCD, recently sent me two books. One is called "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer, Ph.D., and the other is a workbook, "Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts", by Christine Purdon, Ph.D., C. Psych. and David A. Clark, Ph.D., L. Psych. I haven't read them yet but she says they are really good books. It's better to seek treatment, but under my financial situation, I have to try with self- help for now.

Anyway, it sounds like your doing something right and on the right track. I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy. I like what you said; "I will beat this or die trying". Excellent attitude. I've been telling myself the same thing for awhile now. I'm kind of a movie buff and there's a line from the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that I particularly like; "Get busy living, or get busy dying, **** STRAIGHT!" You take care now.

jonialane