there are a couple things i'd like to talk about...
1. pizza.
2. swim suit.
1. pizza had always been my most feared food, and through my recovery i've noticed a lot of changes in how i approach it... since working with a nutritionist, i can't tell you how much my mentality about food has changed. (wish i could say the same about my ED thoughts, but hey, i'll take it slow if i need to!). i must say, i'm very proud in how i relate to pizza now. i used to get this queer feeling, like i hate that pizza is there but can't wait to eat it all and binge, knowing i'd feel awful the entire time i consume, as well as the aftermath... totally out of control behavior that i couldn't resist and i hated it. now, i can happily say i only eat what satisfies my hunger (which really is about 1-2 pieces now because i can tell my body doesn't really like it), plus, i don't even think it's that tasty any more! i even remember my mother saying we'd be having a pizza night and my FIRST thought was "uhh, i don't want pizza."
... but it isn't all healed yet. last week i felt that crazy pizza feeling and scarfed down 3 pieces, knowing i would have eaten more had there been non-meated slices left (i'm a vegetarian). i hadn't done that in a while, so it was strange for me to go through it.
2. i need a new swim suit, and i am not okay with that. i think everyday now i have anxiety about it as the summer heat nears... i know i need a grip of new clothes for my new body (and as if that isn't hard enough to deal with), i also have to torment myself about a swim suit! i did research about what might look best on me now, but all of it is on-line and i'm scared to death to have to try them on. i was thinking, maybe i just won't buy one and avoid all pool/beach situations. and for a good week or two i thought that was the most brilliant and logical solution. but these last two days have really heated up here in socal, and i'm dying to hop in a pool. and i love laying out in the sun (with sunscreen), feeling it's warmth, closing my eyes and feeling at peace... i honestly really want to enjoy that this summer. i plan to move to norcal by next summer, so this is gonna be my last one here, where i grew up loving the summer bc of the beach, and pool fun... i really don't want to deny myself of that, but i am so so so so so scared that if i tried to enjoy it now, i would really just be a wreck. i attempted a swim suit adventure with my sister a couple weeks back... had to borrow her suit since i don't have any that fit. her's didn't either, and it was the most uncomfortable hour i've had to deal with in a long time. it was an hour of total freak-out; i couldn't get out of my head about my body to enjoy myself, and my sister and mutual friend could tell bc the anxiety was written all over me, but as hard as i tried to relax in the spa, i could not.
I cannot agree with you more. I am basically in the same boat as you are. I found out recently that my boyfriend and I are relocating to Florida.. in like 2 weeks. Uhmm, hello? Summer 365 days a year, what a disaster. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror so how can other people not be disgusted. I have major anxiety about wearing summer clothes all the time and I cannot even deal with the thought that my boyfriend is pretty much going to want to be at the beach all the time. But there is always that warm trigger food, waiting for you, comforting you. How do you end the vicious cycle. I feel what your going through and congrats on the major strides you've been making. I wish I was strong enough to go see someone, but I'm not quite there yet. Good luck girl.
i hear ya about the beach and summer clothes...i HATE the beach ! especially with the huge amount of weight i gained from my problematic metabolism and messed up digestive system. i hate summer --i hate wearing less clothes during this time--i never ever feel so trigggered to go back to bad behaviors more than the summmer! it is so hard.i love and miss winter.
i will not go to a beach or step foot in one. my fiancee loves the beach and is soooo mad at me for not going and wrecking his good time. i feel bad but i am not ready to go there! that is one area i will not go--no way. not now...maybe later---when my weight settles down, but not now...
i feel bad though---im denying him of something he loves. i feel bad. but i just cant go to the beach. not while im at this weight, nope....maybe next summer i can see it but not now...to many hang ups now. i would freak out. and i hate denying myself of something fun, and relaxing as a poolside or the beach. it is so sad to me that i am recovered but i cant go to the beach/poolside. it is sad to me--but it is something im not ready for. i guess baby steps...yet i know i will somehow be dragged to the blasted beach somehow...
i wish i had the courage to just do things i like in life--and im getting better at that--but somethings is still cant do.
i wish i had something to offer to help you---all i can say is--do what you like---do what you love and dont give a care....do it cause you like it(like going to the beach/pool cause you love to and dont fret about the people. this is your life. you only have one life---and you need to enjoy it or at the end, you will have missed out. i hope that i can let this sink into me as well--im doin gmuch better with things overall--much better--but certain things---like summer triggers me so bad...
i hate summer , summer clothes, summetime diets i see nonstop on TV and magaazines---it is like--it is a diet frenzy during the summmer! and im having health problems that is causing weight gain, so it is like--so hard to see!
argh!!!
oh my god---i have officially rambled my head off---im sooo sorry....
all i can say is --i know how you feel very much...
and may we both love life to the fullest---without anyone stopping us...
OMG!! I have replaced my clothes, but I never even thought about my bathing suit!! UGH... Well, not planning to go swimming... :P Hopefully I won't need one?? ;0)
Ya know? I think a tank top and shorts or a nice summery dress would be just fine pool side or at the beach! Who needs water? ;0)