Planning Stages

Struggling to keep myself here. I have NOTHING to live for anymore. I just want the pain to stop. I have put alot of thought into ending my life. The world would be better for it. I have tried every medication and therapy to get better, but no luck.I’m rapidly deteriorating and seem unable to stop it. I can’t do anything without feeling the omnipresent fear. My rational thinking is slipping fast. My mind is putting things in my head that aren’t good. I feel unsafe in my home. I can’t even rest without being kept up by a thousand thoughts per second. I just want this to stop. It’s like i have a 1000 tv(s) on at once all the time now. Consumed by the messages and fear. My last safe space is in my bed and even there is becoming increasingly troubled. I don’t hear anything, but the fear. Everything else is becoming white noise. I NEED a stronger safety net. Things are unraveling faster than i can piece them back together. I don’t even know where to start. I am scared. I only have the option of hospitilization left in my safety net. TMS therapy fails me when i need it most. The effects are still short lived. I feel better for a few hours then it’s gone. I can’t cope anymore with anything. I have started planning for the worst as the path forward fades into the darkness. I want to reach out, but know it will force me into the hospital. I am alone in my thoughts. I have nobody i can reach out too. They will not take anything here serious until i follow through. People are slowly shutting me out. I’m scared. My health is failing me greatly. I can’t see the path forward. I don’t want to be here anymore. The last moments will be of great sadness. I have tried so much to cope yet have failed. Pysc. doctors tell me to excersise, but i can’t. It makes me feel sick to leave my house. I go around the block and scream. Nobody knows what im going through when on my walks. They think it’s a good thing, but it’s making me worse. I live in fear and sadness. The despair is greater than my will to live. I’m reliazing more and more moments that are now gone. My moments of normality are gone. Everything i do comes with scars and pain. I have lost life in its full capacity. I’m waiting to die. It’s the last thing i have to look forward too anymore. I know people will never forgive me. People will look down upon my death even if im healed of these ailments that led to it. I’m sorry, but i have to go now.

3 Hearts

Keep trying you are worth it. Check into the hospital. Life is worth living even in our darker moments. Dont let your mind lead you down the wrong path because you are beautiful for recognizing your pain. Go now to check in with the mental health hospital. Im so glad you can come here and talk about all your pain. Hugs.

1 Heart

Why should i stay? I’m afraid it’s too late. I have too many voices in my head. The last few pysc visits i have been roadkill in the sense they feel bad for me, but dr.'s don’t know how to help me anymore. TMS was my last resort therapy that had a 80% sucess rate, but somehow managed not to work for me at all. I wasted $2k on that hoping it would help me. I don’t want to keep fighting my cancerous mind. I’m having panic attack after panic attack now. Family is falling apart. I can’t take anymore.

I’m so very sorry you hurt and fear so deeply. I imagine, from your post, that you are well-educated about your condition and I hope not to come off wrong but, have you tried Vagus nerve stimulation?
I wish I could take your fear and pain away.
I hope for you, that you can find a reason to stay. For the hope that there will be better tomorrows. There are advances in medicine every day and YOU are worth the effort. YOU are worth the pain and suffering.
It’s so easy to say these things. It’s so hard to believe them. Will you please reach out to the suicide hotline? If in the USA, dial 988. You can call or text.

I will tell you something that without seroquel and lamictal i would not be able to get through life it helps me with so many things in life. I hope this helps. Please call crisis line. The number should be on this page.

1800-273-TALK(8255) i found it here.

I use too take Seroquel, but was switched to trazodone. Seroquel worked for me, but made me really sleeepy the next day even with enough sleep. I currently take Xanax, Rexulti, Lexapro, Trazodone, and Remeron. I’m was prescribed a newer anti depressant that my pysc docs was hopeful would help, but insurance doesn’t cover it due to cost (new drug). I’m going to try and contact my pyschiatrist today.

1 Heart

Hello @SeeingBeyondDarkness

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation from what you described. When life feels like it is crashing down on us, it can feel impossible that anything will change, which is why it is completely normal that you are feeling isolated, depressed, hopeless, and constantly fearful. It seems like you are very knowledgeable when it comes to understanding your own condition as well as describing the thoughts and feelings that come along with it. This is a helpful and inspiring skill to have, especially in your situation. It might be beneficial to try again with your mental health professional and talk to them about what you just described. We empathize with you and only hope that you know how worthy you are of life, love, and happiness. It might seem like this is the end, but we promise that there is always a solution and a way to progress towards healing. We and everyone in this community are here for you. Love, SG

I have heard of it, but have not tried it. I want to try cryotherapy where they put you in the cold for like 2min. It kinda shocks the body from what i understand. You are so right when it comes to medicene. TMS was suppose to be that for me, but failed. I did the whole 36 shock therapy sessions. I have thought about ECT, but that has alot of bad side effects. I’m still fighting the thoughts so going to try to contact my pysc doc today. I’m rocking back and forth atm typing this. I hope there is other options out there cause time is running short. I thank you for the support! :slight_smile:

1 Heart

Hi!!! Im so glad your going to contact your doctor!!! Good for you. I always call mine when im not feeling good and they can usually get me in sooner. I see my doctor every 3 months and when im not doing as well once a month i see them. Yes seroquel is very sedation. What happened to me is once i was on it long enough the hang over feeling stopped for me anyway. All i know is once we get on the right mood stabilizer and the right sleeping and anxiety med it helps so much. Sounds like your doctor has you on some good meds for that i recall some of those. All i know is when i start feeling really bad i always call my doctor and sometimes they have to tweek my meds alittle and eventually things work out. Im so glad you are calling them. Hold on and lets see what your doctor says. Big hugs :people_hugging: to you today glad your here!!!

I’m scared. I see my pysc doc every 2 weeks. I’m not coping. I’m putting more and more thought into ending my life. I don’t want to be here anymore. The pain is insurmountable. I’m very afraid of what’s coming! Today has been worse than yesterday. I need alot of help ):

Ive seen my pdoc ever two weeks for many years when i needed more help. I know your scared that is your mental alarm bells going off telling you that some of your meds or one of your meds may not be working for you anymore. Its hard and painful when we dont feel stable. If you can distract your mind with something that might bring you some joy maybe it could help you until you see your pdoc???

What are some things you like to do? Listen to music? Watch favorite movies? Sit out in sun? Take a bubble bath? Play a video game? Read a book? Play with a pet?

Im going to go for the night but hold on tight and try to get in to see your pdoc earlier if you can. Meanwhile try distracting skills until you can get in.

U tube has Tibetan bowl meditation that helps me relax i just lay down and take deep breaths while i listen to the chimes.

I was able to reach out to my pysc doctor and talk to him on his cell phone. He is quite worried about me. I told him everything i’ve said on here. I’m still scared, but told me to reach out to him when the suicidal thoughts become overwhelming. I’m scared of going to the pysc hospital. I like sports (mainly football) and baseball. My family has alot of dogs which for the most part we enjoy. My brain is firing on all cylinders atm.

1 Heart

Hey! Have you tried teaching the dogs to play football? Dogs are super smart, they’d love to play ball with you!

1 Heart

Im so happy you got a hold of your pdoc. You made me so happy.

Scratching myself to cope. I have no answers for anything. I am having a panic attack atm. It’s the only thing that blocks the pain for a few seconds. I should call my pdoc again, but scared of hospital. I WANT OUT! I can’t keep going like this hour after hour.

The pdoc should have made an appt for you to come in to see him.

I see him this Friday

1 Heart

I’m with you there right now. Nothing has been working for me either. TMS is only making me mean on top of the rest of it. It sucks and people get tired of being around you cause you’re always suffering. Hope you can find another way out.