Playing with fire

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hi, all!

So, I'm back at school, and classes are going pretty well. Definitely busy, but in a good way. And there's lots of theater stuff going on; I'm pretty much plunging right in. :-)

It's all very overwhelming and stressful, though. I mean, I love everything I'm doing, but the work just keeps piling up and I feel like I'm wading through molasses trying to get it done. And it certainly doesn't help to be so depressed I can't even make myself do the work in the first place (at least not until the very last minute, which just adds to the stress).

At any rate, I'm afraid I might be slipping. I've been doing a good job overall, but recently I've started finding ways to cut corners with my meal plan and sometimes flat out restrict. I've also been looking for excuses to get in the extra little bit of exercise that I'm constantly after--an extra walk across campus, talking the long way to class, ... you know the drill.

Today wasn't terrible, but it definitely wasn't good. Heading in the wrong direction. I know I can't afford to slip up; I don't want to get kicked out of school again! At the same time, I just can't bring myself to give it up. I'm clinging on to my ED like my life depended on it (there's a certain amount of irony in that, no?). I don't know how much I can (or am willing to) fight.

I'm going to share about the ED in my acting class on Tuesday. I'm majorly nervous--afraid of being judged and all that. I'm not sure whether I should. I suppose it's not too late to rewrite the whole thing. I don't know. It's too late an hour to give it too much thought before bed. I need SLEEP!

The darn ED is getting in the way of my spiritual life, too. I just feel so ashamed before God when I'm engaging in it, and I feel like there's this block so that I can't talk to Him. It's very frustrating.

In short, ED's just been really kicking my butt lately, and I don't know where it's going to lead. There's always the option of checking in to the school infirmary for a couple of days. Maybe I should do that. I think I'll give it a few more days, first; see what happens. One thing's for sure, though; I need more support than I've got at the moment.

One of the dilemmas, though, is that I need accountability, but I can't give up my privacy (or secrecy). I need someone to eat with me, but I'm too ashamed for people to see me eating. I need someone to help me get groceries, but I'm too stubborn to give up my label-reading sense of control. In other words, I need help, but I'm afraid to ask for it--and afraid of what will happen if I get it.

2

hey, i see you're a Christian too... so am i, and having God and an ed is mega hard.. but i think as long as you are trying.. God sees that, he doesn't condemn. you know the story of the prodigals son? how he leaves and does terrible things, but when he comes back his dad was already searching and waiting for him.. and he runs to him so excited to see him come back home!
He is the only reason im in any kind of treatment...
while you're waiting for an accountability partner, we could online if that'd work??
God does provide, though for me it took 4 years of persisting in that (well i walked away for a while, he DOES provide and he sees that need for a support network, but maybe right now he wants to see you seeking Him first?
he paid for that guilt.. ur free hun.
and u have a MASSIVE future ahead of you!
message me if you want to
ash xx

3

Thanks; I know that in my head, but it helps a lot to hear it from someone else! I really appreciate the feedback/advice. :slight_smile:

In Him,

Vero

4

You CAN fight this True. We are all here for you on the good days and the bad. Don't give in, you're too important to give in!!!

Is there anyone at school that you think you maybe able to open up to who you think maybe able to help you? How old are you? Sorry, I'm from England, so never know when you talk about school if you mean school or university!! Sorry

5

I’m at college. Undergraduate. B.A. All of that. University, I suppose, although over here we use that for grad school. :slight_smile:

Oh, and thank you for the kind words! :slight_smile:

6

Hey Truelmage,
Is there anyone that you could confide in? Is there a therapist in the college? I think it is good that you are aware that you are cutting those corners. I also find myself doing that and then I think to myself...no I am on the road to recovery this is for me...and I make sure I eat what I am supposed to...because the way I think about it is, if I don't eat now, I will start to feel weaker, i will be starving tomorrow, my brain will be half asleep, but with the food in my system, know that i've had a good healthy intake, insures that I've the energy to get on with my day, talk to people, take the best from MY life...and remember it is YOUR life, it does not belong to the ED.

As for having a watcher, I don't know about that, because it can be very difficult for both parties, when times get really tough, I tried that with my mam, but then i would start to avoid her, but for someone to offer a kind ear and guidance when you know things are getting tough...that would be a better choice.

Keep checking in hun
You are doing great
Love to you
Moongal x

7

You CAN get through this! Sometimes it's easier when you do finally confide in someone about it, you'll feel so much better once you do. It's like a weight being lifted off of you & please don't be afraid to tell someone. The worst they can do is not understand & there are so many people that do understand what your going through, you just have to find the right one you trust. :) God is always going to be there for you no matter what, he loves you & only wants you to get better through him ♥ xoxo I'm here for you, take care :)

8

Hi Vero,

You hve taken such big steps just knowing and admitting that you need help. You don't need to tell anyone if you are not ready yet. Can you just ask someone to eat with just to hang out and maybe say to a friend hey do you want to keep me company when I go grocery shopping? Just having someone there even if they dont know might help you. It is very difficult to give up the control because thats all some of us have. Its all I had thats for sure. It is not pretty when you start giving up the control either but it is so neccessary and feels so good when you do. Is there anyone you can talk to? Telling your class is so brave! You are so strong! Just think, you might even reach someone else who was too scared to open up. And if you dont tell anyone thats ok too. Just keep taking small steps. Sometimes we have to push ourselves through the fear and know that we will be ok. It is scary but I know you can ask for help. You can, believe in youself Vero. We all do. :)Nicole

9

Thank you all for the positive feedback and support.

I am slowly making steps in the right direction, as painful as it is. There are a couple of friends who know, and I have asked one of them to come grocery shopping with me tomorrow and another one to be a meal buddy from time to time. I am also looking into a support group and expanding my network of support to include another EDPA (eating disorder peer advisor) or two.

Again, thank you all for your kind words; they mean a LOT!

Love always,

Vero

10

Awesome work Vero! Keep it up! Nicole

11

Thanks, Nicole!

Oh, and good to have you back–I haven’t seen you posting in awhile!

Vero

12

Thanks Vero! I am glad to be back! I was going through a tough period where I didnt want to deal with my recovery anymore but I am ready again and so thankful for this site! Nicole