Please help me

I'm a 13 year old girl with nowhere to turn. My mum was diagnosed with cancer last year. She had a severe brain tumor and bow cancer. Lucily mum survied and underwent radiation therapy. She is not yet in the clear as somthing showed up in her latest scans. My mum now has anger isues, yells, swears, control issues, complains and says things to me that are really hurtful and easly damage my self esteem. She is now threatening to kill herself.

My parents told me yesterday that they are getting a divorce. I have no brothers and sisters to guide me through. I knew my parents aren't right for eachover as they argue all the time, I support them all the way but I just don't know how to handle it.

When mum was diagnosed with cancer I had just started highschool. I'm quite a shy person and making friends is tough. I felt like everything was going wrong with my life and didn't talk. I now have no friends. I told my mum how I fell about everhing and told me to 'get over it'.I don't know how life can be so mean. Ive spoken to a profecinal but but it didn't help. So Ive turned to you for support. Please help me and share your advice.Xx

I am sorry to hear about your Mother. My own father just died almost 2 months ago from Pulmonary Fibrosis, a lung disease, that he was diagnosed with about 6 months ago. I felt the same as you probably do alone, scared, and feel as if there is no where to turn. It is very ruff and I can't say it will get any easier for awhile. You will always live with this experience. As weird as it sounds and as awful as it may be you will be much stronger in the end of it, no matter what happens. Trust me, i know. I also know where you are probably at you are laughing or thinking ya right. I thought that to, but now that it is all over I think it is true.

Even if she does not die, which I hope she doesn't, things will never be the same. She will take medication that will have many side effects some being anger and depression. My dad went through both of those things. It was so hard to live through it, but one thing you have to know is she wont mean a single word of it. They are not in their right mind. Medicine is awful and can cloud the mind like nothing else. Eventually it will settle and get a little better, but it may be there for as long as she takes it.

As for your parents getting divorced I have not lived through that. I do know that whatever happens you will make it through and will have to learn a new normal. As hard as it may be you must do it or you will always feel this way. Do new things and join new things so you can make some friends who will care about you. You don't need many, but you need someone to always be there for you. I know from experience life without a friend is miserable. For years I had no friends or once who didn't care. It was the next worst thing to losing a father. I have a great friend now and he makes me want to live life and has re built my heart from its shattered shape.

I have to go but feel free to message me or email me at [email protected]. I always respond quick and can be a very good listener. I am also a teenager if that helps. I hope things get better for you

Thank you for responding...you're gorgeous! It's nice to hear from somebone who has experienced the same as me and understands. It's great to hear you are turning your life arround! You're an inspiration..and don't deny it! I'll take up your offer and email you, it's a good feeling. I wish the best for you, and hope you can live with good fortune to come..you deserve it. Listen or look at the song by Taylor Swift, 'Change'-I'm not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift, but the lyrics are inspirational.

Change is a very beautiful song. It is true of the journey I have faced and the one you are facing. These little things will stick with you.

I used to read none stop before my dad got sick and was in the hospital the last time. The last hospital stay was the worst for him and we were not sure he would make it through the next couple of days. Me and my mom were there none stop, but I would read. One day I opened a book called “Elswhere” and couldn’t stop. It was about a young girl who had just died in a bike accident and who was suffering to understand why she had died and why she couldn’t go back. It was great and wasn’t religious in the least. To this day I remember that book and read it when I need reminding to keep on going. This girl moved on and began life in this place called elsewhere and finally completed all the things she wanted before leaving to go back to earth as a baby. It was just what I needed at that moment and it helped me except what was going to happen. So keep that song close to you and when you need reminding play it and it will help you.

Also, something I forgot to mention before is to find something you love and do it. Be it drawing or hiking. This will get you through your ruff patches. I am an artist and I did not think I could continue, but I did. I am a better artist and it was always there for me to take out my loneliness and anger. It never left me like people. So find something you love and stick to it and remember to email me whenever.

Gemmaxx, I, too, went through a rough childhood. My mother had several mental health diagnoses and she was an alcoholic. We moved constantly so I rarely had friends. I never knew how she would act. Sometimes she was very loving and sometimes she was downright cruel. I, too, was extremely shy and would blush like crazy and I couldn't even speak if someone so much as said hello to me. I, too, felt that I had no one to turn to. At the age of 13 the pain became so ovewhlming that I attemted suicide. That was in 1963, when certain things were just not discussed. Today all that has changed. You need help and you need it badly. Talk therapy doesn't help if you don't keep at it. You may also need some meds on a short term basis, though it will be hard to find something as you are young and you obviously don't have the support you should have at home. Just understand that different people have different reactions to life threatening diseases. Some want to be closer, some want to lash out at the unfairness of it all.Now I want to tell you what happened to me because I got no help. I am not saying the same will happen to you but the possibility is there
I dropped out of school at 16. At 17, looking for the love I did not get at home, I got pregnant. I was an unwed teenage mom shortly before my eighteenth birthday. When I was roughly 19, I started taking drugs. After an overdose scare, I stopped, met and married my husband and had another child. I tried therapy for a month or two several times but quit because it wasn't helping fast enough. I occasionally took drugs during my marriage but then I discovered cocaine and then met the dealer. My marriage broke up and I moved in with the dealer.From 1967 to 2007, I attempted suicide 9 or 10 more times.I was in 2 abusive relationships because I had such low self esteem. I was an addict. I totally screwed up my kids' lives. I finally decided that I didn't want to live like this. I became properly medicated for the severe depression, found a good therapist and worked on recovery. It took a while but I have a year now. One month before my anniversary I was diagnosed with Post Polio Syndrome, so I am now dealing with 3 incurable diseases, depression, addiction and PPS. What I want to do now is help people dealing with these issues, especially young people. I want to try to prevent them from going where I did. So,talk to a teacher, your guidance counselor, your father, family members, anyone who can get you the help you need. There is a possibility that some of your family members already know what is happening. Reach out to someone to save yourself. And please remember, this is your mother's issue, it really has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be there for your mother to vent her rage and despair on. Your mother needs help too. You may need to tell her doctors what is going on. You need to protect you, so her disease doesn't get you too(I mean the anger,depession and dispair.
I'll be around if you need tovent.

Hi there Gemmaxx;

13 kan be such a hard age and to be going through all of this other stuff on top of it makes it all the worse there is no denying that. I had a fried who's father had cancer and had to get treatment every week, he was pretty much taking kare of his father on his own, he was a 27 year old man with a full time job to pay the bills and take kare of his father as well. Throug everyting that he went threw i think the hardest thing to deal with was all of the mean and hurtfull things that his dad had dun and said to him. I think those are unfortantly things that will stay with you forever.

As for the divorce it seem like u are dealing with that quite well i know when my parents got divorced i was so happy and like finially all of the fighting was so horrible.
I think auntiem911 had sum good advice in finding sumthing u love and enjoy to use it as ur outlet ur time to de stress and sumthing that keeps u moving like he songu were talking about. music is such a great outlet, also sumtimes writing in a journal or sumthing like that. a private place where u kan tell all of ur thoughts and feelings to, u know u won't have to hold anything back it'z just for you

Good luck in your jouney and if u ever just need to vent or need sumone to tell u that it'z ok to feel the way u feel or let yaknow ur not losing ur mind i'm hear for ya to listen or anything

Thankyou to everyone responding and showing your support..you are all amazing!
@auntiem911 thankyou for your book suggestion, I can't wait to give it a go!, I'll take any advice I can get. Whenever I listen to that song it does help, music is remarkable!! I love art too, I am very interested in fashion and wish to design when I'm older. I also love photography-pictures last a lifetime. You have no idea how good it feels knowing you are out there and if I ever need any support, I know you're out there .Thankyou!!

@Tana13 thankyou for sharing your life story, all the people in my class just seem to have such simple lucky lives , even for some that may not be true, and I'm sure you felt that too. Reading your story really has shown me the life decisions try to avoid. You're an inspiration to be able to share your life story to help others in their lifes instead of staying quiet watching people take the wrong life path. I hope your kids are doing well now, aswell as yourself. Always remember that everthing happens for a reason. You were meant to have those kids and become a mother. And you were meant to go through those life experiences to help you be stronger in the next chapter of your life. Never regret anything. I'm sure you didn't mess up your kids lifes. Rember it will have made them stronger in life and not let all the little things get to them. I hope you get better and begin your next chapter in your life with your head held high! Thankyou again for responging.Xx

@The Lone Kat thanks for telling me about you and your friends story-you seem very supportive! Finaly someone who gets the troubles of being 13!! I am so releifed that all the fighting will soon be over from my parents, there is always a good side and an ugly side.Xx

Thanks to everyone again, I've really appreciated reading all your life storys and to all of you showing your support! You are all stunning people!!
Remember life allways has barriers preventing us from moving forward, but eventualy things will change and we will eventualy watch those barriers falling down in happiness.Xx

Hi Gemmaxx, So very sorry for all that you are going through as well as for your mom and dad.

I was young when someone shot my dad. He lost his eye because of getting shot in it. The man who shot my dad didn't mean to shoot him - he meant to shoot someone else. My dad just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Dad was never the same after he lost his eye. He would come home after work and cuss and yell. He started back drinking. People who were close to him suggested to him to go back to the doctor for help but he wouldn't do it. He also started having an affair which made it even worse at home. There were times dad threatened to kill himself. On Christmas Eve when I was 8, sometime that night he did shoot himself at his sister's house. He died Christmas day. My sister had married the year before so I was the only child left at home. It was rough for my mom and me after dad died. I had to seek counseling at school because of what happened during that Christmas and it's affect on me. I later on in life had to seek counseling again for help with dealing with dad's death.

As well as my heart goes out to you for what you are having to deal with, my heart also goes out to your mom with all she has been dealing with. Not only having to deal with her cancer but having to deal with divorce on top of it. Have you or either your mom sought counseling for help with dealing with all this? If not, then I suggest it for you both. It may be of help to your dad also.

Please keep sharing with us here. As you see, we are here for you. I'll will pray for you and your family. ((((hugs))))

@bluidkiti thankyou for being so nice and thoughtful, I'll keep sharing for sure!! I'm sad to hear about your dad. I know you probaly heard it all before but I'm telling it through the heart. The relationship between me and my dad is the best and I can't imagine loosing him. The relationship between me and my mum is horrible. We always argue and she swears all the time. It really scares me when my mum says 'she can't go on' 'to give it up' and she threatens to kill herself. Me and my dad have seeken professianal help ,but my mum refused and got all frustrated(she gets frustrated a lot partly because of her medication which is realy hard to live with) it was good to have someone to talk to but at the end of the day you are still living with the ptoblem. I personaly think this is better as people have lived same/similar experiences as me. I have also spoken to our school chaplen who's lovely and understanding. Thanks again for taking the time to write to me and sharing your story, it realy does help.Xx

Sorry to everyone if I spell things differently and so on. I'm Australian,I can't help it.Xx

Hi Gemmaxx,

13 years old girls grow up so much faster than boys. All what is happening will somehow feel like you have been robbed of your childhood. Like you have to grow up faster or something. Dealing with a parent who has cancer feels like abandonment because they are so worried about themselves they forget about us. The name calling and emotional abuse is something you dont need to take or listen too. Its ok to walk away, or put your hand up and speak up for yourself and say."STOP ( with your hand flat and palm up) This is considered abuse and I am told I dont have to listen to this and leave. Its scarey, I know because you will think they will only get more mad or things may elevate. The purpose is for you to practice assertiveness. This must sound lame, but the Lord or a GOD is the answer. People have different beliefs, what is important is that you believe in a higher power and you pray. This is the intangable and will take care of your inner self and your spirit. As far as tangable things, continue to reach out on the internet..like this site.... find friends here to personally email, Journal your thoughts feelings and behavior and when you write, write to GOD. We need to get you some coping tools. Tools are things you can do to cope and get out of the hurt and pain. The unfortunate thing is your age. Its not like you can go live on your own or work. Please hang in there. You have to live one day at a time and take care of your spirit. You need to maintain inner health and I commend you for reaching out to this site and I already see you have support friends here. I too had an awful childhood of several types of abuse, a mother who abused me with anything she could get her hands on, a mother still today who calls me names and when she acts out... I dont communicate. The growth is in dealing with my mother, I put myself on time out with her. I dont have to react anymore, or yell... I just ignore. REMEMBER WHAT YOU DONT HEAR YOU WONT HURT>>> SO IGNORE! The frightening thing with what I read about your mother is that she has a disease and taking it out on you. Its ok to walk away and go to your room, its ok to reach out on the internet, its ok to pray to GOD and ask for help or just talk to him or cry, its ok to journal, its ok to do other things to get you out of the abuse. I am lonely too. I think a lot of us are. Just know you are not alone. In life things change and there are days where when I do the simple tools as I suggested, I dont feel as alone anymore. Reach out and help someone else, This always helps me get out of myself and makes me feel good. Keep reaching out and hear other stories. You may run into someone who has it worse and in a weird way it will make you feel better. Remember Pray to GOD. I will be looking for you! I will pray for you! I am here if you ever want to talk.

You have been dealt quite a rough hand. I can relate to some of what you are going through, primarily having no friends at school and being told to "get over it" and just feeling so trapped and helpless. For me it started when I was 5 or 6 and just kept going, and I ended up with all sorts of problems, and didn't find a suitable, helpful therapist until I was 21 or 22. You can't write off therapy/counseling just because the person you are seeing isn't helpful or you don't click or whatever...it is often a trial and error process. I saw one in third grade (who basically told me to solve my own problems), and, if you don't count school counselors, I started seeing someone again in seventh or eighth grade (who totally dismissed my thoughts of suicide and self-injury because I wasn't acting on them) and have seen ten therapists/counselors (plus psychiatrists) since then. Of these there are three (including my current therapist) who I have worked well with and made progress with. (If you're wondering, I had to leave the other two due to circumstances that were beyond my control.) I am glad to hear that you have a good relationship with your dad. If at all possible, when it comes to new living arrangements, I would do what you can to live with your dad rather than your mom. It would be a much healthier situation for you, and you have to put yourself and your health first. It does sound as though your mom should seek professional help, but if she's not willing to get it, it won't do her any good. I don't really know what to say in that department. Just remember that none of what she says or does is a reflection of you.
If you ever need to talk, know I am here.

I am sorry about you are going through this. Remember, the cancer cause damage, and she wouldn't say those things. I am a shy person, and it is hard to talk to people and make friends. I have made friends online friends. It is easy to make friends online for me than offline.