Please Let Me Be Normal

I just want to be Normal. I went out to eat with my wife and kids today. I wanted to go, and I did not want to go. It is always so hard for me.
The restaurant was busy, I couldn't read the menu, my burger was greasy, so I got some extra napkins, stood up and pressed the grease out of it. I then went up to the front and got some honey, covered my plain dry burger in honey, and onions. All the mess I made had to be removed from the table before I could begin eating. By the time I started eating my kids were almost done.
By the time I finished, and made it home, my anxiety was so high, I could hardly talk. I ate half my burger and half my fries, took my napkin wrapped it around my entire plate so I could not look at what I had done and then moved it to the far corner of the table.
By the time I got home my pulse rate had been so high for so long, I had to take a two hour nap, because I was completely exhausted.
When I woke up it was getting close to time for dinner, so I had snack, and began preparing dinner.....
I have been out of the hospital for 5 weeks now, so I have been trying desperately to keep my meals regular.
I waited to eat dinner for a couple of hours, but for some reason, I rushed it, and promptly PURGED!
For the first time in over Two Months.....
Why does it have to be that way.... The minute I was done, ED was raking me over the coals, I wanted to cry, beat myself up, kick something, pull my hair out, or just curl up in a ball and call it quits.
I went into the living room and called my wife into the bedroom and we had a long discussion. She is the one who had to watch the kids, and take care of everything when I went Inpatient and she has been watching this thing destroy me for 4 years now.
We talked about it, tried to figure out what happened, lightened up, I went and fixed another lighter dinner, and ate again. This time I kept it down...
What happens the next time....Today, I exercised, overate a little at a restaurant, purged, all I need do is restrict my late night snack and I have completed a mini cycle of death........ The beginning of the end.....All in one day......
And All I wanted to do was be Normal.....

(sigh...)

Recovery is not perfect... It can't be... Please try to release yourself from that all-or-nothing thinking... Slips are a part of recovery. They just are... But they don't have to take you through a "cycle of death"... ♥ I know how badly it feels to slip... To feel the pull of the disorder... But you don't HAVE to live like this! Keep pushing yourself. You did a GREAT thing by talking to your wife and trying some dinner! :) Little steps... That's what recovery is made of... Keep making them as you can, and they WILL add up! ♥

Lots of hope to you!!

Jen

Hopeful,
Thanks for the all or nothing reminder......How soon we forget. It was an oddly challenging day and one in which i lost most of them. It is scary to let that happen, but you are right, today is another day.

Today is *always* another day. ♥ A fresh chance to make new choices. So is each hour... ;0) One slip doesn't have to ruin a whole day... Perhaps if you think in smaller chunks of time? That might help. ♥

Jen