Please, no scolding

LGBTQ+ Sexual Orientation Exploration
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I am very sad right now. I am married (pretty happily) with three children. There is no rhyme or reason for why, but nearly two years ago I fell in love with my best friend (a female). I have not disrupted my entire family's life to pursue something, and my husband knows that new feelings emerged in me. He is bisexual and understands "figuring out" what it is that you feel in this respect. He let me explore the feelings. I am still very close with my friend, although she is violently heterosexual (her words, not mine). She is not disgusted by my feelings, in fact, she finds my open feelings for her very comforting and flattering. She can always count on me, because I truly love her. I don't know that she has ever had that before. My husband and I have actually become closer because of this, emotionally. It is so hard to explain.

The problem comes when I find myself falling in love with her- over & over. Then, just like the first time, I have to come to the realization that I will never be able to do anything about those feelings. Writing in a journal is the best I can do. I don't expect any answers, and I know that some will say to leave her be and not to waste my life, or my family's with such stupidity. But my heart is where it is. It lies in two, very real places.

Again, I don't want a solution. I just want someone who might understand and can lend an ear when I am suffering. Can anyone be that unbiased? I pray about this broken heart so often, but she is such a beautiful friend, and we have grown as human beings since beginning this friendship. I know it is not a mistake, I just cannot stop loving her in that "wrong" way. If I grew up somewhere different, or in different circumstances, I might have been openly gay. Right now, that is not my issue. I just wish I knew why these feelings had to emerge now, and in such a difficult way. I have so many gay friends who seemed to have known they were gay since they were children. It pains me because I do not want to make anyone's life difficult, or change anything.

I am rambling. I just want this off my chest. Living with it for nearly two years (even though all of the relevant people know) has been difficult. I am sick of hearing myself obsess about it... UGH!

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aliceclaudel - it is a difficult situation you are in. perhaps you are in love with the person and support she gives you and it doesn’t have anything to do with gender. i am sure it is hard to spend time with your friend, but perhaps you could take a break to let yourself heal, you deserve to heal and move on from her if you know there is not anything there.

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Thank you for your thoughts, Victoria. I appreciate someone taking the time to say what they see in my situation. I have done a lot of soul searching about this topic. I have never had an attraction for men, especially physically. I fell in love with my husband because of who he is, before I could admit what I really felt. Not so strangely, he is very effeminate. I do not plan on going out and seeking women to be with (in case anyone else is wondering if I want that). I am very loyal, and all of this knocked me for a loop. You are right about my deserving to heal. She wants that too, but we cannot seem to stop keeping in touch, no matter how many times we try. When I am with her, things are normal, like regular friends. It is the time after that I am weak about. I will keep working on this. Again, thank you for writing,

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Hi hon, I can understand some how hard difficult it can be falling in love with your best friend. I did too, I've been married for 10 yrs and no I haven't been happy in our marriage, but we have 3 children. I also find myself re falling in love with her again and again although we are no longer friends. It can be so difficult and I understand how painful it can be and sweetie you are not alone, and I wish I could give you advice on how to make things easier or less confusing, but I am trying to figure this out myself. Like I said though what I can tell you is that you are not alone hon

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Ladybug3131,

I am so grateful to hear from someone who knows how I feel! I would love to hear your story. So often, I feel like something is wrong with me for not being able to let it go, my OCD is partly to blame, but I just don't think I am able to walk away. Again, thank you so much for letting me know that you are in the same boat. It makes my heart ache a little less. :)