Please tell me if you have a similar issue. If you feel strong, you feel very strong, if you feel weak you feel very weak, like every emotion is overblown. I think that is the same with this HOCD thing. Such things are in everyone. Everyone has feminine and masculine sides but it's not really a big deal, they don't obsess over it and it is not overblown. If someone were to tell you you are coffee and you obsessed over it, in the crazy bizzare way that the mind seems to get fooled with this illness, a part of you would believe that maybe you are coffee. I am not sure if this makes any sense. Can we use this group to narrow down (from our own subjective experience), the problem to the very root? I am telling you and it sounds absolutely obsurd but if someone told me that you are coffee, there is a part of me that just doesn't have the ability to dispute it. Ofcourse it's bullshit but somewhere, some fear, has some part frozen. And in that field, the option to BELIEVE that is rediculous, seems missing.
It's weird, I used to never care what people thought of me or the way I looked, sounded, walked, etc. ever. Because I knew exactly who I was, but now my own anxiety tries to tell me that everyone thinks that when my rational side knows that's bs just like it knows that I'm not gay. I feel as though my brain is in a constant battle between a bully and myself. For example, I'll be weak and hopeless one minute and think that I've fallen into an abyss of anxiety, but then I'll watch tv or play a game or drive and calm down, and sundenly I see a hot girl and internally i'm like "****" and then my rational side is like "see bro? Chill out you know yourself," I wish I could stay that way the whole time but it only takes one scene, person, conversation to pull me right back into that abyss. Anyways, I found your post interesting! Sorry for the rambles, stay strong.
You have to conquer the bully. We have a certain weakness that is exploited. We have to overcome some deep seated fear. It's all fear man. And fear, though it feels very real and intense, is ultimately an illusion. Every single man on Earth has this issue. They dominate someone and feel more masculine, some one dominates them and they feel immasculated but with our case, there is a certain excessive harshness within that feeds on insecurity and when you are not on top, you feel gay and you go into it. This is the thing, if you see a road and the road is filled with barbed wire, and you walk that way, you are going to get cuts on your feet. We see the road with the barbed wire, and walk in that direction every time and keep thinking maybe this time I won't step on barbed wire and realize the road was not filled with barbed wire and feel better. Just don't go that way. But that's the compulsion. to your right is your real road but you keep going in the wrong road, wishing it turns into the right road. You should just not go there. It's like those people who think they can fly when they are on certain drugs. There is a certain part of the human psyche that when it feels energetic or free, it gets delusional and the delusion feels absolutely true. It's not. I have been observing myself and this situation for a very long time. Maybe us in this group can find an expert to join that can help us on here or something like that for a fee from all of us or something. I am tired of therapy and tired of talking about this bullshit problem for fuks sake man. I am a person with dignity, this is just too much.
@mantelk I want to just wake up and be my old self. I want that more than anything. I miss loving my girlfriend like I used to, and now when we’re together all I can think about is this vivid situation where I have been and will be in the closet and then leave her for some guy, when I love her and only want to be with her. Nothing feels real anymore.
Just ignore it. Forget your old self new self. It's all a fuking bulshit mind game we are stuck in. Forget it. Don't go into it. Live in the present moment. Live in reality. Our society is sick. Physical sex is natural. Your hormones automatically respond to the female hormone. Sexuality is our invention. It's sick. It's perversion and domination and sadism and masochism. Get out of it. Anything you get identified with, your thought stream revolves around. If you identify as an african then your thought forms revolve around africa, if you are gay, this, straight that. Straight man with hocd something else. The truth is, we are none of these things that we identify with in essesnse. If I talk to you for an hour and you realize you are a straight man and then something else happens and all this bulshit, we need to see what the main issue is. It is identification. And a certain weakness in what we are identified with. Our manhood isn't proerly established anymore. Either do more alpha male things and establish your man hood and with discretion and discipline bring yourself back from ill thoughts or don't identify with anything. Both will work. It's just the mind.
@mantelk but how do we get out of this shit. I feel hopeless.
Yer it's like every feeling is overhyped by 1000. Sometimes I freak out and think I have bipolar because of a gay friend of mine whom just came out has bipolar. I even think I'm turning into him sometimes which only hightens these feelings. Oh how this is a fun illness.
Set your mind on something pure and healthy. Keep thinking about that. Think about God or creator or whatever else. Guide obsessions to a healthy direction.