I am have been going through new cycles each week lately. Its as if I am jumping from one amusement ride to another.
First it was starving myself for months and months, then it was eating like I had never eaten before. Then it was micromanaging everything that attempted to enter my mouth. Then it was not managing (journal) at all. Now I am at the stage that I don't want to play anymore. It seems more work to manage this stupid ED than to just go with it.
I have noticed that I get upset at my hubby and immediately I stop eating and emotionally crawl into my safe place. Im then sick to my stomach (because I have tummy trouble already) and start throwing up. Then before I know it 2 or 3 days have past and I have been starving and throwing up.
Now I wonder why I am week and tired. Ya wonder, right.
This ED makes me feel stupid and helpless and unable to control or manage anything.
Gesh, I am so mad inside, tomorrow I have my in home therapist, I don't know what to say to her. I feel like a loser. I fight with life, I fight with my ED, I fight with my food, I fight with who to tell and what to tell them. Is there anything in this life that I dont have to fight for.
You know I came here for support, and have found the same Block wall as I do in my everyday life. I am not good enough to even be part of an ED group. What an idiot I am. Why did I think this would be any different.
Tami…why do you think you are not good enough? This is a very supportive place, and many people here do understand and try to help. You have to take the steps to help yourself as well, but we all can be cheering for you! I hope your time with your therapist goes well today. Be honest about what you want and need…take care…Jan
Hi Tami,
I'm sorry you feel that way. Sometimes people dont know HOW to respond or put their thoughts into words.
I think you need to be honest with your in home therapist. Lying, or stretching the truth only hurts you in the end - the whole point of therapy is to help not hurt you.
I just read your message... It sounds like you're deeply entrenched in your eating disorder... I hope you'll talk to your therapist about further treatment options... You're right; it is harder to fight the ED than to go with it... In the SHORT run... But in the LONG run??? LIFE is waiting!! ♥ You are worthy!! I'm sorry no one responded as quickly as you needed... Please don't forget that everyone here IS supportive and caring! We care about YOU, too! ♥ I work full-time and go to outpatient treatment... I'm on here as often as possible, but time is a trickster. ;0)
dear Tami,
I am sorry i did not read/reply to your post earlier. I am so sorry about the terrible times you are going through and wish you are feeling somehow stronger.
I find the group in here very supportive and caring and yet there are times I too feel disconnected. We all have our own battles to fight and at the same time sharing them it seams has help many of us to feel not "alone" in the battle ground.
Our EDs all have some common traits and in the end it resumes down to it being the way we deal with our feelings and emotions. We have been dealing with emotional stress in a way we believe is 'soothing' and have somehow masked recovery and feeling good. One of our main tasks is to find ways to build our self esteem and self worth.
Your pains are being felt by many
Good Luck on your battles & keep sharing!
Love, Ana
I at this point am giving up or giving in, however you want to see it. I cant right now fight this stupid ED. I am just going to step back and regroup and maybe try again some other time.
I cant get fat, I cant handle that again, I have get back to where I was thinner.
I hate myself I hate life, I hate living,
I wrote out all the negative things I say to myself and printed them and placed them on my wall.
I am going to sit and not fight till I have gotten past all the negative things.
My husband hates me, im sure, he doesnt know about the ED and I am too afraid to tell him. He wont understand and will just critisize me for being stupid. He has had to deal with all the traits of ED with out knowing I have it or understanding it.
Its just like oh great Tami is complaining about food again and her weight. Tami get over it. Tami watch what you eat and you wont get fat. Tami just stop eating and youll be skinny. These are the things he says.
SO I guess you could say I LOVE MY ED right now. It keeps me in line and makes me starve and I like that feeling.
I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.
You said you are sooo tired, you said you are so fed up with your ED. Do you like those feelings??? Do you really, I mean REALLY like your ED. You deserve to feel better you know. Little steps day by day. I now that going with the flow of ED seems easier but am not sure that it is in the long run. Remember you don't have to tackle your whole ED issues in one day or week or month. Slow and steady wins the race.
I will be thinking of you and trying to send you positive wave lengths hun.
love and hugs
Shana
Today the therapist came and we talked about in patient, i have an appointment with the emily program (ED) on friday. we will see what happens at the appointment.
Today I was reading the computer and passed out, i think because im not eating or drinking at all. I am most sad about this because my 7 yr old daughter was home sick from school, and when i woke up 5-10 min later she said mommy you fell right asleep and fell off the sofa.
Scary, i dont know what im thinking since then I have been numb to the whole ED and to life.
Tami,
It is good that you are looking into a higher level of care. I agree that this is dangerous and scary. Please drink fluids and eat some solid food to keep your body from shutting down! I know it's hard. Please let us all know how the assessment goes. Take care...Jan ♥
Well friends, I went to my intake appointment. I was long and scary. They are looking into treatment for me and I will know more next Wed.
Im so sad I came home and the one person I waited to talk to was my hubby. He has been either gone or on PC to busy to even care that I went.
When I think like this, my depression takes over everything and I just want to take my life. I am hurting and now know it will trigger 3 or 4 or 5 more starving days.
**** it, im so alone and empty, and dont know where to turn. My tears are filling my days, and im dying inside.
