Ok, this is very hard for me to write about, because the truth hurts.
I absolutely adore my boyfriend. He means the world to me. But my insecurities have come creeping back up and have taken over.
We had a talk last night and he pointed out how I see every female he knows as a potential threat to me and to my relationship with him. I have developed an ungodly fear of being replaced.
He says it is driving him crazy, and I know it is making me paranoid about everything he does. It isn't fair to either one of us.
He mentioned how I am on this site and stated that instead of trying to help everyine else, to help myself for a change.
So here I am trying to get some help to save my relationship.
I know how fears like the one you are experiencing can take such a strong hold that you feel powerless against it. Perhaps your boyfriend is right about one thing... help yourself to feel a sense of wellness. Maybe you should take some time to "date yourself." This is a practice I have developed over time. When I feel as though I am alone in the world, or that no one appreciates me enough, etc. I take myself to do things that I would enjoy. I think about what is troubling me and whether there are other ways to deal with it. I find a calm place and enjoy my own company. It could be a starting point. Such feelings and paranoia do not go away overnight. If you feel overwhelmed by them, perhaps finding a women's therapist that specializes in such things would not be a terrible idea. I have done so, and figured out new paths AWAY from self-destruction. :) I will be thinking of you, and hoping that you can see what you mean to your boyfriend, and that he can be a support to you as you figure things out. If he can't, be sure to put YOU first.
Dear Beautiful, I have noticed your posts and noticed that you are always there to help everybody else,
But!
The most important person in the world that may need help is #1 you. I know you know this, but it is true. I hope you see that what someone close to you sees is not a bad thing, it is just one of your feelings running wild , you love a person , but maybe you love that person more than you love yourself and that is not healthy.
I am saying this because I have done this ,
Loved everyone hated myself.
Did everything for everyone else, nothing for me.
Sadly for many years.
Then came a time to be selfish , I was always taught that that was bad, But if we do not learn to be selfish in a balance with giving we will never live for ourselves.
I hope the best for you Beautiful , I don't see a disaster. I see a rembrandt. Peace
Hey Beautiful, I think most of us have had your fear of being replaced at different extents. I had a friend who went through a divorce recently. No one saw it coming. Her husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I was speechless when she told me. Because of this, her friends who are in relationships whether married or not, took a look at their own relationships. They were questioning if they would be replaced. Just because this happened to her, doesn't mean it will happen to any of the rest of us but it could. Instead of dwelling on the negative, dwell on the positive. Make a list of all the good things about your boyfriend and your relationship with him. Keep it to reread. I do ask though why do you think you feel this way? Has something in the past happened to cause you to feel this way?
Sometimes my boyfriend and I will go out and i'll see him look at the waitress wierd or something. I'll freakout and tell him hes checking her out or whatever. But this rarely happens and I always tell myself and my friends, if he wanted her he'd be with her, but he wants you!! Its human nature to think more than one person in this world is attractive, but its the beauty on the inside that keeps them interested:) And you are a very beautiful person on the inside just like im sure you are on the outside!!
I hope this helps! :)
Beautiful, your boyfriend is so right, you are always here helping support everyone so much, and we want to do the same to help support you. I am always here to help in any way that I can, and I am really so very sorry that you are going through this, but we will all work through it with you here and get you through this tough time.
Jealousy is a slippery slope as far as I am concerned, and that's why it's essential to nip it in the bud before it's a downward spiral and the demise of your relationship. Although, it's sometimes natural to feel a twinge of jealousy, it's important not to let it get the better of you. Maybe my attitude is wrong, but I've always thought if he wants to be with another woman, then the door is wide open. And, I've even said that to men that I've been in serious relationships with. You have to know that your boyfriend is with you for a reason, he loves you and only you. If he is giving you reason to be jealous, then that's an entirely different story. Has he ever cheated on you? Does he flirt insatiably with other women?
We all have our insecurities, but it's how we deal with them that counts. I may think things, but I will try to keep most of them at bay when I am in a relationship, because I know that it's my insecurities that are getting the better of me and there's no need for that. The key is to work on turning your energy around from that of negative to positive in this scenario. So, instead of thinking that he wants to be with another woman...focus on all of the beautiful facets of your relationship; think of everything positive about him and how he makes you feel. Let go of all other feelings.
You are an amazing woman, I know that by all of the continued compassionate support and insight that you share with all of us here. Know that your boyfriend is so incredibly lucky to be with you, so why...why oh why would he ever think to be with another woman when he has the best. Keep reminding yourself of that.
Beautiful, I was going to sit here and compose this long heartfelt letter to you then I looked over puppydoglvr's, she has it down to a "T", there is nothing to add. You need to take care of you before anything will get better and it will in time. I personally have lived it, stay in touch,Larry
Thank you guys. I just hate feeling so dysfunctional! I get so paranoid! I have been dumped more than once without warning or reason! My ex-boyfriend just showed up at my house one night and said I was too much to deal with.
My boyfriend now says he can't deal with me being so insecure and I need to take care of it b/c it is making him crazy. Trust me I feel like I'm crazy. Like I am a freak. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't get it but don't know how to bw one of the ones who does.
I sometimes think when I have my "episodes" people think I can just flip a switch and not have the issues any more that I can just stop it.
To be honest, I think I have other issues that have not been diagnosed with. I show the symptoms, but when talking with some of my loved ones, they tend to be skeptical b/c a doctor has not given me the Dx.
That could very well be , I thought I was having a heart attack one day grabbing my chest , jittery “PANIC ATTACK”
my doctor said and anxiety disorder here are xanax to calm you down. How can one not think “WHAT NEXT”
I go tomorrow 9am to get re-evaluated. If we see 100 different doctors I wonder how many would diagnose the same without seeing our history ?
Take care beautiful
First of all, thank you Larry & Amanda, that's so sweet and kind of you to write. I really appreciate it.
Beautiful, what you are going through is beyond normal, please do not be so hard on yourself. Sometimes these thoughts, feelings, and emotions can really get the best of us and spiral out of control. I was caught up in jealousy over the past couple of weeks and it honestly gave me so much anxiety. I thought, it's really not worth it. It's hard when past experiences creep into new relationships. What you have to remember is that your current boyfriend is not your past ex, please keep reminding yourself of this over and over again; my boyfriend is not my ex. Though, I do understand how difficult it can be to let go of past hurt and feelings, and of course we want to protect ourselves from having it happen again. But, sabotaging a potentially great relationship, that I know you will one day regret doing, is not doing you any good.
If you can, stop looking at and thinking about your past experience with your ex and look only at this amazing relationship that you are in. I was also on the flip side of having an overly jealous boyfriend once. We talked marriage and were well on our way until his jealousy got the better of him and eventually me. I did anything and everything to convince him that I only loved him and no other man was ever of interest, which was the truth. Nothing helped. He pushed me away so fast to the point where I couldn't go back again. Don't do this to your boyfriend and to yourself. I know that you can make your way out of this and show him that you totally trust him. There are never ever guarantees in relationships and their outcome, but what you do have control over is your actions in the relationship. I know that you can have a lasting loving relationship with this man, it's up to you to make that happen.
Also, I've posted several articles that I read on the topic of jealousy, and I found them to be incredibly informative and insightful. It can help all of us and our natural urges of jealous emotions and behavior.
Please keep sharing Beautiful, we are all here to help you.
You know it just makes me so angry there are women out there who know he is with me and still continue to throw themselves at him! He just ignores them, but I can't and I'm so afraid one day one of them may change his mind! I mean, I am quite a bit older, more settled, not very pretty and have issues. Yeah I'm a real winner.
Beautiful, are you kidding me? Is that a picture of you that I see as your profile pic? If so, you are gorgeous. And, not only are you physically beautiful, you are so beautiful on the inside, which is most important.
The fact that women are throwing themselves at your boyfriend is just sad for them, because they are being dishonest and disrespectful to your relationship. Though, it shows their true colors. Know that there will always be people like that around, very unfortunately, though it's what you do that matters...not them. You can control your own actions, but not theirs. Get in the zone and focus on you and your boyfriend.
And, please stop putting yourself down because it really bums me out. I know how fantastic you are and I want you to know and believe that as well. You are just having a tough moment which you will get through. Truthfully the last couple of weeks for me were riddled with self doubt, insecurities, jealousy, and total ridiculousness. I had to snap myself out of it, otherwise I'd sabotage something so good. I just don't want you to do the same.
Now, when you see your boyfriend, fess up that you are working on getting through this time and understand his frustrations. Speak from your heart and most importantly show him that you're working to make changes. Because after all...actions speak louder than words. You can do this! Come on! I am here rooting for you!
I actually left my initial post on the computer this morning for him to read so he could see I was making an effort and that I realize I have a problem.
He actually said to me last night, "How can you help everyone else and not yourself? You need to get yourself help."
I also emailed a therapists office to see if they would work with me on payment arrangements so I can get back into therapy. Without insurance it is so expensive.
I also cc'd him an email I sent my employer about when we would be getting health insurance reinstated if at all.
I got to spend a little bit of time with him tonight before he went to work. We didn't talk about the arguments or my insecurities which was nice.
I really just wish I could understand why I get this way. I was doing so good for so long and then...ugh, I just wish I could be more sure of myself all the time.
That's so much easier said than done Beautiful, I really wish it was easy for us to control our emotions and the [sometimes] little roller coaster ride that we go on. I promise you, you are not alone in these feelings and emotions; I hear this from girlfriends time and time again. Jealousy gets the better of us here and there, but it's about nipping it the bud before it spirals out of control. And, you are doing just that. I am so so so proud of you. By taking steps to see a therapist and showing him your efforts, you are taking all of the steps in the right direction. The key is to put this behind you and move on in a healthy and happy way with him. If you feel that you need to talk it through with him, then do that. Otherwise, seeing a therapist and continuing to share with us is a really good thing to do.
BD-
In this instance you can be beautiful or you can be a disaster.
We're all plagued by insecurities now and again. They don't make us seem vulnerable, they make us unattractive. If we personify Insecurity in a Relationship, here's what we get: Insecurity never listens to compliments, it is eternally pessimistic and it draws the offensive assumption that no nice things can be said about it, and that any things that are said are by definition not genuine. No amount of reassurances, whether shown or told, can mollify it. Nobody can be with it for long because they learn quickly that it doesn't matter what they say or what they do, they will never get through to it. What person in their right mind wouldn't tire of this?
You are not that person, you are a beautiful woman. Start acting like it.
Wow Ross, your thoughts and insights on insecurities are so right on. This is something that I need to put up on my fridge and should remind myself of. Thank you so much for your powerful words. They really struck a [good] chord with me.
See Beautiful, I'm not alone in my thinking...you are Beautiful, and like Ross wrote "Start acting like it".