***Potential Trigger Warning*** It has been a difficult

***Potential Trigger Warning***

It has been a difficult couple of days since my therapy session. The unsettledness I felt after that appointment turned into a knot in my stomach by Friday. So, we go from numb to numb with a touch of anxiety. I get that is reasonable given how much my therapist pushed, but uncomfortable none-the-less. I am angry with my therapist for stirring the pot when I would much rather have continued to not feel. I am more preoccupied with self-harm, though now to break the numb AND the buzzing in my head and body, and more strongly. I have had to make the conscious effort to NOT take the steps to get more razors. This morning, I did not go to the stores alone, but rather took my son so that he could get some driving in the rain practice and have a reason to not be able to go into the store. I have not gone back out, though I want to go to Subway but that would take me right by the store. I also have no other reason to go into the store. Thank you for reading.

1 Heart

Please don't be upset with your therapist. He pushed you so that you could deal with the trauma that you endured. He didn't do it to hurt you.

I commend you for fighting off your urge and dealing with it by having a driving lesson with your son. You should be VERY proud of yourself! Have you ever tried journaling? It's a great way to get all of your thoughts out, and I find it to be very cathartic. You don't have to read your entries. In fact, you could give it to your therapist to read, so that he sees what's been on your mind and what's been bothering you. Just a thought.

Hang in there! You're not alone! You WILL get through this. Just focus on one day at a time, as well as your children. (I don't know your whole story, so I only know about the son that you mentioned in this post)

@Justwanttobeloved - I am upset with my therapist, but unlike other interactions in my younger days and currently, I can safely be angry with him. He’s told me more than once that he ‘can take it’. I do journal, prior to computers through writing and then on the computer. I have shared the contents of my writing with my therapist (and even my Psychiatrist on occasion), especially during the time that I was regularly dissociating and regressed. There was a point during that period where I literally could not ‘talk’ about the abuse because the stuff I was remembering was pre-verbal in the sense of not being able to put into words what was happening…
My ‘children’ are the students I work with at school. I teach high school special education. In my position, I often have emotionally struggling students sent my way. The kids also find me. I have food for those kids that don’t get to eat at home for whatever reason. And they LOVE the lollipops kept on my desk. I make my room a ‘safe’ space, a place where my kids can come to be supported and validated…
My ‘child’ is my soon-to-be 18-year-old son. He is a twin, but I lost my daughter during the pregnancy. It was very difficult and traumatizing to get him here safely. And then to feel violated by the emergency c-section needed when he went into distress and almost died because his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. I SO wanted a natural delivery because I knew that experience would not be mine to have again because it took so long and cost so much to even get pregnant because of infertility issues…