Powerless over feeling in control

I've not been part of the site or community long, so i feel quite guilty already writing again about being in such a low point. I just feel so lost right now. and i want this all to go away, but am scared of what i will do or who i'll be without everything. Its a weird feeling that o think only others experiencing or who have gone through an ED can describe. you want things to be better, but at the same time it gives you a sense of security and power. how can you feel in control and powerless at the same time.

i keep putting off calling and talking to my gp like everyone is telling me to do because to be honest im scared what she will say and/or suggest.

todays been an awful day. i binged this morning and have non-stop been purging since. then i'm getting bad headaches so i'll try and have something little and then it all happens again. i am thankfully home alone most days, but i dread the nights when my parents are home and want to sit and have a family meal - which means chat time! Its worse now that they have called me out on things bc any excuse or reason to not sit to dinner with them is very examined and clearly made note of.

i resent being at home...and hate myself for that bc my family are amazing people :(

Hey Skyler.Write all you want. The one thing that i found on this site is that people are supportive no matter how low or how high you are. The most important thing is that you do not keep how you are feeling to yourself.

I am very glad that you are writing on here and i hope this will help you in the way that you need.

You say that you are worried about what the gp might say. What is the worst thing that could happen if you are honest about where you are at? What is the best thing that could happen? Consider which serves the ED and which will serve you.

I am in a similar familial situation except we don't eat meals together. Great for the ED. I also like you struggle with purging pretty much from midday till nightime. Worse still cos as you say, just when i want to have sthg for the sake of my body, the cycle starts all over again. So this week, i am working on sectioning my day off into small chunks and seeing what i can do during that time to keep the ed at bay or at least reduce the amount of times i purge.

Alos important for you is that you get your gp to check your potassium levels and other blood stuff. I think it is better to be as safe as possible whilst purging and sometimes, this does mean being honest with medical professionals.

I really hope this post does not come across as bossy or pushy. I just know how bad things can get and how quickly that can happen and would hate for anyone to have their life taken away by the ED.

Finally, during family meals, is there any way that you can find something to talk to your parents about which has nothing to do with the ED or food?? Tough one, i know. Just a thought.

Please keep writing and welcome once again.

xx