Pregnant and hungry

My whole adult life I have been up and down with my weight. After having my first child, I got super thin. I was sick of being heavy so with some serious dieting, exercise, and burning a tremendous amount of calories through breastfeeding, I got scary skinny. The kind of skinny where people didn't recognize me and friends and family were expressing their worry. I felt great and was not doing anything to compromise my health. Actually, it was the opposite, for the first time in my life I was very healthy. I stopped consuming alchol and I logged every food and nutrient that went into my body to try to achieve a close to perfect balance.
I became pregnant with my second child in May. The first trimester (for me at least) is marked by outrageous hunger and fatigue. The hunger is so extreme that I contacted my OBGYN who said do not increase calories the first trimester (which was nearly impossible for me). Anyway, I have not been restricting or logging, but rather just following my body's cues and eating when I need to. I will admit I have been eating things that I normally would never eat like fast food and candy. I'm almost positive that this is my last pregnancy and I know that pregnancy is neither a time to deprive nor to go completely overboard. I did purge several times in the beginning out of sheer guilt at the amounts I was consuming. I've clearly put on more weight than I should have for how far along I am.
Yesterday, my mother reprimanded me for eating too much. This is the same woman who came over my house in January and had a tearful intervention expressing her worry at how tiny I had become and that she feared I was going to die. So, I lost it yesterday and said I'm pregnant and hungry and dropped the "f" bomb in there too. I told her there is no pleasing her. I either eat too little or too much for her. And I told her this is why I am so messed up in the head.
I've been in therapy for years for depression and anxiety, but have never touched upon my eating and guilt issues. I think it's time. Does anyone have any advice they can share with me? I need guidance. I always experience guilt at eating and don't think I "deserve" to eat anything enjoyable. It's really hard to explain. Pregnancy is the ONLY time in my life I indulge guilt free and now my Mom has made me feel like total crap. I'm really bummed right now :(

FA,

Welcome to Support Groups. ♥ This is a great pro-recovery site, and you'll find a lot of empathic people here.

It sounds like you've been ocillating between periods of restriction and then allowing yourself to eat without guilt. Guilt is a big part of any eating disorder. It's funny... We wouldn't starve our children or force them into smaller bodies than is healthy, so why should we feel guilty for listening to our hunger cues? :0/ You say you were scary skinny, and that people were concerned for your health and safety, yet you also say you were very healthy... These ideas conflict... I know how the ED can make opposing thoughts feel "right"... But it's really just the ED warping things... What do you think "healthy" means to you? When I was sick, healthy meant skinny. It meant eating very little, and only the "right" foods, and moving my body constantly. It meant being on constant surveillance of any food dangers, and trying to keep myself focused on my goals, i.e. losing more weight. When I look back, now weight restored, I can see that I was NOT healthy, and I did not look healthy. People were right to be concerned. If I saw someone that looked the way I looked, I would be worried, too... Today I hear the word "healthy" and I think it means "fat"... Which is just as ridiculous! No one, as my therapist has pointed out, would look at a fat person and describe them as looking healthy! LOL! So, it really comes back to the ED... Ed wants to convince us that we need him. That we can't cope with life without him. That we'll feel better and be happier by losing weight and controlling our bodies. But really, as long as Ed is in control, we are NOT... :P I am a truly HEALTHY size today. I am not fat. And I am not emaciated. ♥ Ed makes it difficult to accept, sometimes, but with work and time, the struggle does ease... Until we fully recover. ♥

Yes, I think you should definitely work on these issues with a therapist. You can talk to your current therapist about what's going on, but you really will want to work with someone specialized in eating disorders. You may also need a dietician. It's common for a whole treatment "team" to be assembled. I think it's especially important for you to do this now, so that you can keep yourself and your baby safe. ♥

Much love and luck to you,

Jen

foodaddict..I'd like to welcome you as well, and thank you for sharing so honestly. I echo all that Jen has shared, and I also encourage you to seek professional help for the chaotic eating patterns you seem to be caught up in...not necessarily during your pregnancy, but....
I think your doctor's comment that you 'shouldn't' gain weight the first trimester is just stupid. If you were underweight when you became pregnant, it is highly risky for your baby, so weight gain should happen in that situation!
I like that you are trying to listen to your body, and I hope you deliver a healthy baby! Please don't deny yourself the help you need...take care..Jan ♥