had the urge to purge today. i came home from school and was really hungry (didn't eat breakfast or lunch; we're doing nutrition in health class and it's majorly triggering me) and ate a smallish bowl of pasta salad. then i had a piece of pie. i started feeling guilty and so i went upstairs to purge because i just couldn't remember why i don't want to. that's why i'm ashamed; i feel like i must not be really trying if i could so quickly relapse and go up to purge as though it doesn't matter.
i'm kind of proud of myself though too, because i didn't. i was there in the bathroom and all of a sudden i thought, "i don't want to do this. i hate doing this." because i really do, it was the worst part i think because i hate the feeling of throwing up. and i stood up and walked out of the bathroom.
so there you have it. both proud and ashamed.
on another note, i started my first real job today. i'm working in the kitchen at burger king. you'd think i'd hate it, being around food so much. but surprisingly, i loved it. it's so fast-paced, it's just you know, do this this and this and you're good, you did something right, and on a time limit. i'm new, so i don't do that much, but i'm learning fast. it's really fun:) i'm glad i got the job. it was a way to spend three hours of my after-school life and it was actually constructive. i'm earning money, having a good time. plus, the people i work with are so laid-back. even when we're in the middle of a rush, it's like they fire these insults and jokes at each other. tongs get thrown at people, everyone has a great sense of humor. and when it was slow we just kind of chilled while cleaning the kitchen and stuff. the guy who was training me, he was HOT. (i shouldn't think those things, i have a boyfriend, but i can't help it. xD) and he kept flirting with me. and this other guy, i'm pretty sure he's gay because his nails were painted, he was really nice and helpful too.
this is actually the happiest i've been in a long time. i can't wait til tomorrow when i work again. :)