Process journal 6310

Behaviors: I had a long full day as usual on Wednesday. Work was nuts with the school year winding down. I went to Step class. I felt heavy and plodding in there, but I decided that I'm probably more "normal" in that class now, rather than bouncing around on a starvation high. :P I went to ACA last night. I've been going to ACA since last September. At my very first meeting, a handsome man caught my eye. I've been crushing on him ever since. Last night he spoke to the group about his feelings regarding a relationship he's in... He's been seeing a woman for two months, and they're apparently getting closer. I was crushed... I wanted to cry. I drove home in a fog, skipped dinner entirely, and went to bed. No tears spilled.

Thoughts: He has rejected me. This was inevitable. I am so fundamentally flawed that I am unloveable and unworthy of love. I do not blame him. He probably didn't even know I was interested because I am unable to communicate that. I am not really a PART of ACA. I go. I sit. I listen. I leave. I exist on the perimeter of life, floating around the edges, never venturing into the thick of it. I'll be alone forever because I cannot change.

Feelings: Depressed... Sad. Hopeless. Worthless. I am feeling like a broken person. And I'm both angry at myself for not reaching out to him earlier, and relieved I didn't, since this inevitable feeling of rejection would have been so much greater... I hate myself this morning... If the point of life is to form connections, then I am a failure...

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Sorry for the rant... I'm still reeling... Last day of school today... I've felt this saddness pressing on me all week. I'm actually going to miss these kids!! And more than that, I'm going to miss my daily interactions with people. Without work, what do I have?

Jen

Jen,
Dear, you did a good job of journaling this. I wish your thoughts could be more positive, but honesty is your best course. These are your thoughts, but I would challenge them. I understand the you FEEL rejected, but without knowledge that you were interested, could he really have rejected you? From my perspective, I don't see that. I respect that you were not ready to make your interest known, but that doesn't mean that he knew, so he didn't reject you. I am not minimizing how hard this is for you, only trying to point out what I see.
You attend ACA, so I think that means you are a part, but perhaps you don't FEEL like you are a part, right? Was it ACA that you spoke out about the copier incident, and you felt much more connected (yet still guarded) after that? It takes time, but you have been working toward more connections. Because you have not made as many changes as you would like doesn't mean that you cannot make them...in time. This is an area that takes time, but by shrinking back due to this incident, you only hurt yourself. Well, you also deny others of the great privilege of knowing you! (no eye rolls allowed!).
I hear you and understand your feelings. You are NOT hopeless, even though you may FEEL that way. Please try to look at how far you have come, and don't focus on what you are still striving for.
I know you will miss the daily routine, and seeing your students and co-workers. I hope you can get into a new routine with your new recovery work, and perhaps some new outlet.
Maybe you can make a list of some activities you want to do this summer and look forward to those.
Please keep processing these things and share what you feel comfortable with. I am here for you, as well as many others....you are NOT a failure..FAR FROM IT!!
Wishing you giggles and smiles today.....HUGS..Jan ♥

Jen

Wow I wish I had more time to catch up on here, I miss reading your posts! How are things going with the new outpatient program and the meds? It is great to hear you really processing things.

I wanted to let you know that this kind of processing is very positive even if it feels like you are journaling about painful feelings/thoughts. I could totally feel how "crushed" you were by this incident at ACA. Myself at times have held a lot of thoughts/feelings around a particular person or event that are very much my own and not a part of their consciousness to only become "crushed" when faced with their disinterest or interest in another...If that makes sense. I guess the key thing I am realizing is a lot of how I perceive things is not the reality of the situation as is. If I choose to speak and act on the reality in my head then I can get a better idea if this particular person is interested in me. Without those being privy to my intentions/feelings I cannot fully appraise their specific feelings towards be, because they are unaware of my thoughts/feelings/intentions. I am trying to learn that I don't always "know" what others truly think/feel and they don't always "know" how I feel unless I express it...Situations cannot be as harsh as I perceive them unless I give others the benefit of the doubt of knowing where I am at.

Anyways not to ramble on, but I wish you a happy summer coming up here and hope I can stop by and witness your journey more:)

PS: Also remember the negative self talk and Black/White feelings are just our perceptions and not reality. You are Lovable and worthy and capable of a true, strong, and loving relationship.

Jen: I echo Jan's and Surrender's comments. I bet if this guy knew you were interested months ago, he would have asked you out first! Anyway, please do not take that as rejection; in fact maybe this summer you can think about some new activities where you might meet some great new men! A part time job someplace you love? Volunteer work? Write that book??? Look at the summer at a world of opportunity out there waiting for you. (Lord, I just wish I could take a day off....) But no whining from me!

Or... you could come to OHIO and visit your support sisters!
Love to you!!