Hello all I am new and looking for answers. I have married for close to 19 years. I am 39 she is 35. My wife consider me a sex addict because I look at porn and masturbate. I stated doing this a while ago when my wife went thought some medical treatments. I had masturbated before that to some porn and swimsuit model stuff. Our sex life has always had its issues. I was molested when I was younger and my wife was rape in her teenage years. Some we both bring baggage to the relationship. Anyway I started go to using online porn more often rather then going to her. Every time I would approach she would not be in the mood or would be dealing with the effect of her condition. She has a back fusion, and thought to have MS but turn out to be stiff persons. They are the same thing except stiff person attacks the autonomic system. It cause muscle spasms, weakness, tiredness, and her heart does not regulate right. So I am afraid to approach her. So i don't want to cheat or leave her so I would masturbate when the feeling comes up. That now is about three or four times a week. I go on the internet find something good and masturbate to it. And then I am done. I have online school and look at many other things on the web. I don't feel compiled to look at porn. I view it as fantasy and look at as entertainment like anything else out there. I have been to two psy doctors who said I don't have a sex addiction, but my wife thinks I do. She thinks I am looking at it all the time. And blames our lack of sex life on that. She is also very controlling and critical of me. She tells me to go to SAA meeting or else. We are already separated and can barely be around each other. We are still in the same house and we have children. They are the most important thing in my life right now. Thank you for listening to me and my ranting. I hope all of you a peaceful day.
I'm not a counselor, but have you explained to her that you don't want to approach her because you don't want to cause her pain? Have you tried positions that may be more comfortable to her? Tell her you love her and she is beautiful. Communication!!! Try masterbating together. Hopes this helps
There's a quick and very easy way to find out for sure if you are a sex addict. The Sexual Addiction Screening Test was developed by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., and if you answer the questions on the test honestly, the answer you get back will be the truth as well. This test can be found on either of two (2) websites:
Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/
On the Home Page of either site, right at the top of the page, you will see the question, "Am I a Sex Addict?" If you'll click on that question, the test will come up for you. It can be taken right there online (it should only take you three to five minutes), and then be submitted for scoring. In just a few seconds, you'll have your answer. And just for your information, a score of 11 or higher usually indicates that a sexual addiction is present. I hope this is of some help to you. Good luck!
Porn is a very serious issue for me. I hate it with a passion and wish it never exsisted. It TEARS relationships apart. It makes a lot of women feel like they are not good enough for their man which causes self esteem issues and relationship issues. Fantasies should never be needed in a marriage or relationship unless it is about the person you are married to or the person you love and claim to be comitted to. There is a SIMPLE solution to your problem. STOP. Think about your wife when you get the "urge." Aren't you attracted to her? Isn't, in your eyes she supposed to be your queen as you are her king? What she is going through is enough without you making it worse with the porn. She is going through a lot and you need to be there to support her. Give her the sexual attention she deserves. Even if it means oral sex and not the full thing and she could do the same for you? The internet prostitutes don't deserve your attention. They shouldn't even be attractive to you. If you love her and only her why can't you be sexually attracted to her and ONLY her. Porn is NOT a form of entertainment so stop with the excuses. It is for perverts. I really don't mean to be so harsh I just feel so strongly about this. My apologies. Porn IS prostitution on camera. These women are degrading themselves and making a bad name for real women such as myself. They disgust me. Just stop. Remember that you are the cause of your life, not the affect. You are not a victim to porn. You can stop at any time. Maybe your not attracted to her because of what she is going through which is pretty messed up if you ask me because when you love someone unconditionally it applies to EVERYTHING. I don't know but all I know is that you need to fix it. You know what to do to make one less problem for the two of you. Stop the porn if you love your wife. I don't know if you have an addiction and honestly even from doctors or pyscologists it is only an opinion. This is not only her problem it is yours too. Don't jus leave her hanging because it is hard to have sex. If she is going through this do what man does and go through it with her.
Misunderstood23
Thank you for your post and you are very right. I understand how damaging it is to women and men. I cause many issues like a false understanding ones sexuality. I am and have stopped, but I have cause a great deal of pain to her. I it is just a opinion from all. What matters is it effect my relationship - yes, so the next step is to deal with it. I have dis-valued her wishes many times, and a relationship is about love, trust, and respected. She no longer trust me and is so frustrated with me. That is what I have to face, and deal with. Thank you all for your input. I will be back, and look forward to hearing more.
If it leads to seeking sex with others, then there's a problem. Otherwise it's normal -- for both men & women.