Ramblings from an OW on Dying Underground: Yes, I put dyi

Ramblings from an OW on Dying Underground:

Yes, I put dying underground…I definitely am not living…
what is underground? Initial thoughts: sewers, dead-end tunnels, hell….I didn’t imagine my life becoming someone’s OW…I am so emotionally damaged now and I don’t know what to do anymore to find my way back.

I have kept a diary of the last year, recovered our deleted text history, and communicated so **** much with his wife over the past couple of months which has led me down a rabbit hole of trying to piece the last year together.

I read all these forums on BS’s and I have found a few things in common:

He lies…to her…to me…to everyone

Like her, I no longer know what the truth is or if he is capable of being honest.

He told her he was not attracted to me and was not sorry for hurting me…he told me he was no longer attracted to her and the fact we have still been together shows he is not remorseful to her…no winner here…who was he lying to? both of us…and other women too...he wants his cake and ice cream and sprinkles on to

he told me before dday that they were living separate…he now says he has to stay until he can divorce her without losing everything…I am not believing this…she told me that he tells her how sorry he is for hurting her…who’s he lying to?

on discovery day he told me he wanted to go underground…I think now that his immediate reaction was that because he has done this before…I wouldn’t do it at first because I was angry and hurt…I got derailed when I went to his office and have been in hell since…

last week I was wanting to pull back and chose to email instead and his wife later sent me an email about contacting him! he told me that she is monitoring him so he had to respond the way he did…I know he is a liar so why does my heart want to believe this is true?

Some tips I have seen for BS’s are to install VAR, iphone locator, and frequent calls/facetime while at work…my advice: he lies and he has figured out how to beat the system…

Before dday when we were out together he would usually leave his phone in his car or at office…he showed me how to share my location so I now know he was covering his tracks with her being able to see where he was.we used my car if it was just me and him and only used his/her vehicle when others were with us except when on travel...he always was texting when we would go off with others so he carried his phone then, but not with just me most days...one time he did and i swear it was her that called, he told me it wasn't...on travel, he carried his burner phone too, but why since we were there together...he received a message on it one night and told me it was spam...can you get spam on trac phones? i wouldn't imagine that he would register the number anywhere that would solicit him via message

As for the post-dday, recommended frequent calls/facetime that BS’s make: I was servicing him one day when one of the calls took place and she didn’t suspect a thing…I could have been sick right in his lap…of course when he hangs up he tells me how he has to keep her happy until a time when he can get out…she told me how he wanted to end things with me before, so who’s he lying to? obviously still both of us…

why do I put myself through this ****? he doesn’t love me…he doesn’t love her…if he does leave her he will do the same thing to me…hell, he already was talking to other women besides me

underground to him means that he can now be his disgusting self…the mask has fallen off…when I told him how his wife complained about his porn viewing (something he used to act like was disgusting), he now wants us to watch together (from my devices of course…still beating the system)..she shared so many disgusting things about him and I thought she was just trying to scare me away, but they were true…he now tells me more…he said he f*cked her sister and how he would pretend he was still with her when he would be intimate with his wife…now he says he can only picture me…the way we have sex I think he really just picture a porn star because it is not emotionally intimate….where is my emotional partner at now?

I read, read, re-read, and re-read my diary and what happened to this nice guy? I look at the patterns of our ups and downs…some of the things she told me he does to her he has done the same to me…it emotional torture…he leaves us begging for him like we are winning a trophy

@AtTheBeach123 my husband had a 7yr affair with a coworker. We are still together. Did he tell me lies. Sure. Did he lie to her
Probably. He tried hooking up with her again last year. That's when I found out. Is he going to leave me. No. I think you need to focus on you and find true love with someone who's not a user.

@Kas1966 I’m sorry. Truly sorry. 7 years is a long time. I did not enter this relationship knowingly as the OW. I thought he was truly separated. We were out and about together all the time and he lives not far from where we work. Now our every encounter has to be hidden and it’s shameful. I know that now I am choosing to be the OW and this hell is brought upon myself by me but I had never been so close to anyone emotionally before and I felt empty during the time we were apart. It’s not true love to him but I really do love him or at least who I thought he was. He’s so different now. Now I just feel lost as to who he is and scared that I won’t be able to recover from this. I don’t want to leave my job but I know I can’t stop seeing him if I stay.

I commend you for being brave enough to share this. It’s nice to see this perspective altho I’m sorry you are going thru this. Altho I’m on the betrayed side of things, I have often wondered why anyone want to be the ow knowing that the person they are with is married. In your case, he lied from the beginning which is a red flag right there. Sounds to me like he has this whole cheating thing figured out and you are most likely not the only one and never will be. The best thing you can do at this point is to rid yourself of him 100% in order for you to heal and move forward. Delete all messages and anything that reminds you of him as I believe this will trigger your emotions even more Making it difficult to end things. Finding diff employment is a good idea because it will take you out of these difficult situations where you find yourself giving into him. Affairs rarely ever turn into real relationships. Might be helpful for you to get some counselling to deal with this as well. You are worthy enough to deserve a true relationship where you are #1, remember that

1 Heart

I realize you are hurting and have feelings for him. You have laid everything out and you seem to understand he is lying to both of you. Why do you want to be someone's secret? You now know the truth, he is married. Based on what you have said, he has no intentions of making changes to his marital status. He doesn't have to. He can have his cake and eat it too. This isn't a contest. He is not a prize. As you said, he will do the same to you if he hasn't already. You deserve someone that loves you, wants to be with you, chooses you. You may not like yourself right now so I highly recommend getting some counseling to help readjust your thinking and learn to love yourself. End the relationship with him. Change your number, find a new job, block him from social media. Delete him from your life so you can heal. I wish you luck.

1 Heart

Even if he "chose" you and left his wife, how do you think you would feel. Would you feel good about the relationship or believe it was always doomed to failure. In my mind it is doomed because of its inception. Do you think he would not cheat on you because you're somehow "better"? He wouldn't be better. He'd still be the same cheating conniving rogue. And even if he never cheated on you (fat chance) you'd know eventually you'll have your come-up-ins if you stay because we all reap what we sow in life. I wish you well as you move forward WITHOUT him.

1 Heart

@Scat you are right. He will do the same to me. I’m not special. He only loves himself, sex, and mind games.

What does this guy say to women? I couldn’t even keep one woman happy and in love with me and this guy apparently can lie point blank to two women who know he is a cheater and liar and somehow he still has both their attention....

1 Heart

@metallicat17 apparently everything they want to hear

Now you see that someone who cheats on their partner is in fact a liar and a user. Yes all men know exactly what to say or tell a woman to get them in bed or to interest them. Some mean it some don’t, both have our women have been lied to and manipulated, played against each other and I still don’t get why both of you don’t team up on the scumbag and take all he’s got. But that’s not for me to understand I guess.

Seems like from what you're saying about how he used you as his therapist, he should have gone to a marriage counselor, or told his wife how he felt about things but he chose to be a coward. Or it's all a lie and the details he shared about his marriage were lies or twisted out of context to feed his need to cheat. Either way, he was using both of you. And notice he's not the one who has to leave his job. Also, how is it he gets away with not having to date you and treat you like a real relationship out in the open? Because you tolerated him hiding you at work. It's like a sort of booty call. I'm not trying to shame you. Everyone plays a fool at one time or another. But what he has done to you is unacceptable.

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