At the moment im not sure whether im going to break out in to laughter or cry im filled with this unsettling anxiety that has me on edge....i don’t have the energy to do anything but have to much energy to sit still my body aches for some kind of relief so does my mind...im tired of living like this, death seems like a welcome relief ,and is increasingly becoming my only solution....i feel like im lost at sea. each wave i scramble for air only to be thrust upwards, im then dropped to a suffocating low, but with each brief intermission i glance skywards in the hope of some rescue, a guardian angel, come to take me home, but no one ever comes, as the harsh realisation settles in, like a cold hand squeezing the air out of my lungs, the inevitability of my situation here becomes more and more apparent ...relief now only comes in sleep,sleep....like a drug i can never get enough of, i wake from sleep only to live for sleep...the regular mid week slumber has become as unsatisfying as my life i wake only to want to be asleep again......
I really can relate to that, and the worst thing is as much as it is nice to sit cause that's all you feel upto doing I think it makes us feel worse. I try and go for a walk even if it is just going outside for a little while.
I am at work today and I feel like I have such a long day ahead. :(
i got so tired of being depressed that on friday i decided to take a few of the anti-depressants i had left over (the ones that made me manicbefore) in an attempt to rid myself of the depression for a day or two at least anyway before i even left the house i had gotten in a heated argument(to put it mildly) with one of my brothers......i then came home after a few beers(8,id usually drink twice that) and a good night out to find my 2 brothers still up(4am),i went up stairs to check my emails and found that my internet had been disconnected,i then went downstairs and found that one of my brothers had discconected my ethernet cable...the last time he did this it took me two days to get it connected again....but it wasnt so much what he had done but more the reaction when i confronted him about it that set me off,anyway to cut a long story short after punches were thrown i ended up being put in a headlock with both my brothers restraining me on the floor with my mum having been woken up shouting at me trying to calm me down...the police had obviously been called by one of the neighbours because a patrol car was sent up our road,my brother went out and waved at them...but thankfully i didnt get arrested although my brother did threatened to call the police but i told them if he did i would rat him out for the ounce of weed he has in his room....anyway i had a talk with my mum today and she said that they were all terrified because i was so out of control i know the drink had a lot to do with it but im pretty sure the meds didnt help either....one thing my mum said to me while i was being pinned to the floor was "it is those f"£king pills your on,this isnt you" i told her to f%$K off that she didnt know me anyway ...ive pretty badly bruised ribs but i guess i deserve it,i was just so tired of being depressed,i was desperate for some relief,ive called in sick today,and i dont think ill be going in for the rest of the week....just tired of coping,having to struggle by each day having to fight my own mind...i just want out
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. Things must really be getting quite bad for you. I completely understand why you took those pills I have done the same thing before. :( Having your brother adding that extra stress to you especially during the difficult stage. I now know what you mean when you said that you hadn't shared too much with anyone I guess it shows especially when they turn it back on you.
I guess sometimes we need to escape I would have done the same thing in your situation. It's frightening sometimes I feel like I have so many horrible things going through my mind but I'm to scared to say them out loud.
How did you feel when your mum said "it was all to do with the medication you where on, and that this wasn't you"?
Hang in there, maybe taking the rest of the week off work may help. Thinking of you :)
hey jai…yea its been a while alright,just been really busy with work at the moment…going through a bit of a rough patch as well which isnt making it any easier…im actually going to australia as a kind of working holiday for a year at the end of april(although i dont really want to go but if i dont go there will be no one around to hang out with),but the date keeps getting pushed back because of one of my mates inability to save money…
but to be honest im a bit fed up with life…i started self medicating a few months back taking pain killers because i found it made life that bit more bearable i explained my situation to my shrink that my anxiety and depression had gotten to the stage where i needed to self medicate to stop myself from committing suicide and she just insisted on continuing with CBT with no extra medication for the maddening intrusive thoughts rumination ,anxiety and insomnia(i also have ocd) …so im stuck in limbo, my shrink wont give me meds because of my history of drug abuse so (technically) now i have to abuse drugs because my shrink wont prescribe me anything because i used to take drugs…i do however realise they act as a depressant and will make me worse if i dont come off them,but if i stop taking them i will be back to the unbearable anxiety depression and general apathy towards anything and everything which will probably end in a suicide attempt…
Thinking of you, I'm so sorry it's such a tough time at the moment. Travelling to Aus even if it is work related would be a great expereice for you. It may even help get you away from everything for a while???
I can understand how scared you are most likely feeling having no medications to take which you would normally have please know it will get easier. You just need to handle the withdrawels, easier said than done I know :(
What about a herbal remedy to help ease the Anxiety it works for me, just a simple tablet or spray under the tongue. Thinking of you and I know you are strong enough to help yourself through.
You might need to help motivate your friend you never know what travelling may bring to your life. I know exactly what its like to self medicate but the only people that suffer are us....
You know where I am if you need me, please take care of yourself. :)
Hey Dell!!! I so totally get the desire or need or want, whatever the **** you want to call it, to deal with life through the haze of medication. I"ve tried that, I've tried the alternative. Neither one were very effective. I think you need to tell your doctors, therapists, etc., to **** off and you, you all by yourself, develop a treatment plan that works for you. You seem like you have your **** together, and who better to figure out a treatment plan for you than yoursef. Best of luck to you
thanks for the replies much appreciated...it may sound a bit sad but it actually cheers me up a bit when i check my inbox and see that ive gotten a responce...
i have a problem with my joints my doctor always said it was arthiritis but hes not sure anymore...whatever it is it flared up really badly this week i wasnt able to walk properly because of the pain in both my knees and hips and i wasnt even able to put on my socks or jumper without help because of the pain in my shoulders,
for anyone who has torn a ligament will know the pain, ive torn a ligament in both my shoulders before and this pain was as bad if not worse because of its persistence.....
anyway im scheduled for bloodtests and xrays on monday and untill then im on painkillers and anti-imflammatories....i wasnt even going to go to the doctor because of the cost involved but my brother and my mum talked me into it....
and because of this problem i wasnt able to go to my CBT session this week so im kind of stuck in limbo till next week.....
my life at the moment follows the same routine or pattern im awake early enough because of work, but it gets to about 6 oclock and im so tired of having to deal with the negative intrusive thoughts , the depressed emotions and the anxiety that i take my few tablets of seroquel and go to bed..
this is the latest ive been up all week, probably because its friday...so im off to bed at 10 on a friday night because i cant stand to be conciouss anymore...i spend the whole day looking forward to the prospect of maybe having a blissful dream that night , my only repreive from a mind that provokes me to the point of madness during the day is that the same mind will on occasion provide me with well deserved relief in my sleep...maybe thats irony im never sure lol...honestly if it wasnt for sleep and dreaming id have killed myself years ago
Wow can I relate to you. I some times feel like im going crazy. like my body doesnt know what it wants to do! im going through a phase of that right now. no medication seems to help.
Yeah - medication doesn’t seem to help. So I resort to the old standby - alcohol! Not the best medication, but at least it helps me get through it! Things are pretty fucked up right now - I keep hoping that they will get better soon. But - no end in sight.