So I am about to go on a huge rant :) Hold on, but I have sooooooo much going through my brain right now I have to get it out there somehow.
First thing - I am spending all of my money on binge food, and I don't make much money in the first place, and all of it is thrown up anyways, so I am spending wayyyyyy too much money and basically it is going down the toilet - actually literally. I don't know what to do.. On one hand I am trying to gain weight and get healthy, but every time I eat something I throw up either on purpose or NOT!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH.... I am so ridiculously irrational, awful, disturbed. Really It is a problem. I can't afford to spend ANY money and yet I do. WHY????
Second - I hate our society and the internet at times... I type into google that I want help with my eating disorders, and what pops up?? PRO-ANA site and all of those disgusting, awful things. How is it that girls want to get help for their disease, and THAT IS WHAT THEY FIND on the INTERNET????? I just want to scream and yell it is soooo disturbing and awful, there is no way to justify promoting those kinds of sites. People who want help cannot be helped if they run into websites that PROMOTE killing yourself!!! It is awful.. I just want to write a letter to those people and tell them to take them OFF and destroy them FOREVER!!!
Third - people are noticing that I have lost weight now, which is bad because they notice those things. And I'm angry at myself because part of me feels good about it, and I like that I have lost weight, but I don't WANT to be happy about it! I want to go eat a bunch of cookies and put on the weight that I need to because I need to be healthy, but my head is screwed. That's all there is to it at this point. (sigh).
Finally, I am having the weirdest dreams - they make no sense, they are scary and disturbing, and I hate them.
I am so sorry that this is just a ridiculous huge rant but I have to tell someone! And I trust you and hopefully you are somewhat entertained or amused by my insanity.
Have a great day.
Love to you all!
CC
CC,
Not entertained or amused by your angst and suffering, dear heart... ♥
Binge food IS expensive... Kind of a natural consequence, I suppose, though it sucks to feel financially punished for something we so loathe doing... :P I'm sorry, sweetie... The good news is that once you're recovered you will no longer feel the urge to binge! Woo hoo!! :)
I'm totally with you on the pro-ana sites... Bleh-- :P
Dreams... Well, mine tend to get pretty wild when I'm hungry, too. Or upset. Or stressed. Etc. ;0) Had a CRAZY food dream just last night! Enjoyed a nice dinner in my dream, then freaked out because I didn't know the calorie count! Hahahaha! Oh, well... Progress... :)
Love to you, friend! :)
Jen
CC..keep writing sweetie...no apologies :)
I too use to have very odd dreams when I was very ill with an eating disorder..they made NO sense whatsoever!
YOU are not crazy, but you do have a dangerous illness that is not your fault. It is treatable, and I hope you find the help you deserve very soon...HUGS...Jan
CC: I am sorry you are feeling so stressed. Any progress on getting into inpatient treatment?
Thinking of you!
crazy curls...
hey--it is good at least you are trying ot look for help for your ED! this is great! andi know it is hard dealing with an ED but at least you are trying to google help! thats a good step up!!!!
have you found any help that you like???
like molly asked , have you found any inpateint treatments???
i agree with you crazy curls--the internet hell has got to stop! it is horrible to see people promoting ana and how glamorized it is in soceity. it is sickening... it is awful and evil...
i see soooo many celebrities saying they are going on crash diets claiming they are fat, and they are sooo thin! why would you want to loose more and be a skeleton...not only that but they are influencing young impresisonable minds and it is so selfish of them not to thing of young girls struggling with body hatred.
and pro ana sites are horrible and should be banned! ahhhh! society is soo so royally messed up!
i try very much to ignore these things and internet diet schemes but man it is triggering. just try to block it out of your mind somehow....
i hope you are well, and i hope all is safe where you are..
love
maureen
Thank you for letting me spill my craziness into cyberspace...
So I am extremely concerned right now, and I don't know what I need to do... I threw up red today, and I was trying to figure out what I had eaten that was red, and there was nothing that I had eaten that would have been that color. Was it blood?? It happened again tonight :/ I don't know what to do, if anything. I think it is probably bad though.
I am killing myself, and I don't really care that much, which scares me even more. I am with my best friend, I want to talk to her but at the same time I can't.
ahhhhhh
CC
CC…I agree…you cannot wait! What do you think you are waiting for? Do you want to collapse and have someone else take control? Honey, that will not be easier, and you may not make it if you wait. Tell your friend that you need to go to the hospital…please! Jan
CC,
Please go to the ER... That is not a good sign at all... :0/ I know you don't feel like you can care right now, but let US... WE care for you, friend!!
Thinking of you,
Jen
Hey CC,
Absolutely go to a doctor and get checked. You are important don't forget that.
Also in reference to your first email..., You are not irrational, that's what an ED does...so it's just about putting up the fight...some days you will be as strong as an Ox and not purge at all and others you will feel weak, but at the end the struggles will be worth it.
I was at my lowest and actually looked up those pro-ana sites before...they were awful, the messages on them were just terrible and they should be taken down immediately.
About people noticing you lose weight, that is the ED talking too. I have asked my mum, if I do lose weight, to not make any deal of it, (unless she feels worried of course)..but no congrats about it..because I want to be recognised for other achievements in my life...the real hurdle in my life at the moment isn't losing the few lbs I need to....it's getting past my ED and finding the once happy girl I used to be. So i'm trying to take the focus of looks and place it back on, am I improving socially, physically, do I feel happier, do I have improved energy, etc
Please go see a doctor hun...it's your body it's important you take care of it...we are all here for you.
Much love to you
Moongal x
Yea this is not ok anymore. I am scared, legitly scared, and I think tomorrow I may go to the ER. I am so dizzy, when I stand up I have to sit down again. I am sick and tired of throwing up all the time I need help I am so upset and overwhelmed, I can't pretend everything is fine anymore I need someone help me.
I will let you know what I do, and what happens.
CC
Hey CC,
I'm glad to hear that. Is there any reason you've decided to wait until tomorrow? If you can't make it to a doctor or hospital you could call one of those 24/7 nursing services...over here they are called "night nurse" but I'm not sure what you call them...and ask their advice.
I hope you feel better soon...let us know how you get on. Take care of yourself today hun...we are thinking of you.
Much love to you
Moongal x
cc...why wait? As you said, it's only getting harder, and you are likely damaging your body more each day, although you cannot control it at this point. NOW is the time to act..not when someone else has to carry you in...please..we care about you....HUGS...Jan
CC,
Keep us posted, dear... Thinking of you!
Love,
Jen
CC: GO NOW sweetie! Every hour you wait is precious healing time. Praying for you !!!!