Raped-painful memories havent been able to share with my counselorLONG pOST

I recently seperated from my husband its now been 5 mths.I spent over 20 yrs with this man who at times seemed very loving..and then very abusive sexually emotionally ,physically.Physically not by hitting but aggressivly.I have been so stupidly blind all these yrs.There is soo much he has done to me difficult things to talk face to face with a counselor about.Just thinking of them allready brings tears to my eyes.I was 17 when I met him.

Our first sexual experience when we first had sex he was very persuasive .I was afraid and not ready,I remember telling him I wasn't ready. He kept trying to persuade me removing my clothes I was afraid and kept telling him I wasn't ready,then I remember him pulling his pants down to his knees.I remember him repeatedly say it would be ok.I remember him being very ecxcited.He wouldnt stop trying and next thing you know he was inside of me. I remember it being painful .I was so tense and couldnt move because he was on top of me .He was 6ft2 200 lbs,I was 5ft ___ lbs.I was scared it was like he had this control over me.It was very hard to move or breath with his weight on top of me.There were others around friends nearby in the room doing the same.Now looking back I can see now the red flags I couldn't see before.

He was heavily into porn ,he regularly went to strip bars.I was his "woman".He humiliated me around his friends and I still stayed.He screwed around with other girls at parties and I still stayed.How could I be so blind and stupid. Going over all the yrs is very painful.We had broken up a few times and I took him back.

We married in 1991.Not the fairytale wedding most girls dream of.He stopped the strip bars but rented porn videos weekly.He openly watched porn on the computer,right in front of me.There is so much more that I could share.He wanted sex 3x or more a day.Anal sex he found very arousing he was very persuasive about that also I did not want to even try that.It was so disgusting and degrading to me.He was persistent in doing this with me.The first time he tried I was afraid,the first time he tried I cried because of the pain.But it excited him.His excitment kept him going.He knew I didn't want to.I was afraid of him and how angry he could get to me.

With many more stories I could add ,my most recent sexual abuse happened almost 5 1/2 mths ago.Two weeks before our seperation.He was emotionally abusive and very controling.he had given me the silent treatment for 2 weeks.I was afraid to speak to him the cycle would go silent treatment.Me apologizing and not knowing why he was mad and what I Was apologizing for.Then him not accepting my apology "it was too late for sorry" he would always say to me.That day he left a note on the bed he had printed off the internet about anal sex,with a bottle of lubricant.He knew I hated it.He told me it was just a joke.That night I was awoken by him undressing me he was all over me ,he had been drinking.I was not there emotionally.I cried we talked he said he loved me. Then it happened he positioned me for anal sex.I said to him you know I don't like this..I don't want to do this .He kept trying as I was pulling away.I remembered how painful it could be.He stopped for a few seconds and then he grabbed me again trying to force it in he said "no Im gonna do it anyway you will see I will make you feel good"he couldn'tvhear my tears as he forced himself into me.He continued rapeing me.It lasted only minutes.Then he dressed and went downstairs and I cried myself to sleep.

At this point he weighed about 240 and I weighed ___ lbs.

crap this was supposed to be posted in the rape section..pretty painful to read......:(

SORRY ...Really sorry

its too late ..its out there now

Grace
Your post brings tears to my eyes. I am seventeen and had an unpleasant sexual experience much like you are saying - at least that is how I felt about the experience. I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you, and I am relieved and grateful that you are no longer with this awful man. You deserve to be loved and cherished and cared for, not raped and abused by an awful person!! Please, talk to your therapist if you can - when you are ready. You can make it through this, I know you can. You are strong and wonderful.
Please, take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing. I hope it is a relief to share your story, so that you are not the only one holding it inside. We all care about you, and I hope you continue to share as you feel comfortable.
You are loved by all of us on this site, remember that, and keep your head up!
Lots of Love,
CC

Holy ****, Grace. I am SO glad you have decided to open up about these experiences. I knew a little bit of it from your various posts, but this really paints a picture. Your husband used sex as a weapon in which to hurt you, manipulate you, control you.

Are you beating yourself up for the things that have happened? Do you ever find yourself taking the blame for it? I know you see things much differently than you did then, but what did it feel like going through it, and how do you feel now?

I don't really know how to even begin tackling an issue like this; in fact, I haven't even really talked about my own **** yet. Just starting to open up about it. I don't have the "language" to discuss it the way I can with eating disorders. Seems like you and I are both taking that giant first step-- telling the stories-- and your bravery gives me strength.

much love to you,
h

Miss Heather

I do at times still blame myself not for what he did but because I stayed. When these things happened I would just numb myself because I never fought back. I should have fought back.
It took me to be outside of our marriage for me to SEE everything. To SEE how I became lost …I didn’t know who I was anymore. I have been ablt to share much of the abuse and the sexual abuse and rape with my counselor we are slowly working though it all.
H e would never understand my feelings! He has NO idea the damage he has done to me as a person…No idea how he made me feel worthless.My counselor said that I need to stop takeing blame fot how he treated me…she said now I can see CLEARLY and I got out of it.
He is in denial about he things he’s done. SO in denial.

I hope that in shareing with your therapist it is helping you take the power away from your story♥
It does slowly take its powere away the more you talk about it but the scars remain 4ever!

Why did I stay?why was I so stupid?How could I be so blind?Why did I allow him to do these things to me?How could I be so stupid?He is out of my life for now,but is the father of my 2 kids.So he will always be part of my life.Every day I ask myself Why..
why could he not just LOVE me?

He did sexually abuse me right?
He used me to fullfil his sexual desires right?
I don't feel attractive.I Went 5 weeks for outpatient treatment for my eating disorder and now I hate myself even more.
What man would ever want me?
How could I ever trust another man?
He has taken away all my trust.
I am uncomfortable around men.

I became emotionally withdrawn...I could not even think straight..because of his head games he made me feel crazy.I couldnt even make decisions for myself ,he made most of the decisions. I became co-dependant.
All I ever wanted was to be Loved...WHY Did I stay?

If I didnt stop it then isnt it my fault?????

I was in a relationship for about a year and a half where at the end of every night I had to satisfy him in whatever way he wanted. He presented himself in a way where I thought it was love-- he treated me well in public, held my hand, had the entire public fooled. But at night he used emotional manipulation to get me to do the things he wanted me to do. I didn’t realize this process was occurring until AFTER the relationship was over. So, does this mean the abuse was my fault? Do you believe that because I couldn’t see what was happening, I am to blame? You probably wouldn’t blame me for what happened to me, so why do you do it to yourself?

A thousand people could sit here and tell you that you are not at fault and you are not to blame, that if it wasn’t you he was abusing it would probably be someone else. And I know that for a very long time you will just simply not believe this. But what we CAN do is help you REALIZE that every time you accept the blame and put yourself at fault for HIS actions, you are continuing the abuse. Every time you take the blame, you are telling yourself that its OK for the past trauma to continue, you replay it again, live through the pain again. When you were with him, you couldn’t see what was happening, you were just stuck, you didn’t realize what was going on. Now that you are away from him, you have the chance to say, “NO! I will NOT allow you to continue to do this to me!” by liberating yourself from the guilt.

When I was able to realize that the various cycles I was reproducing in my adult life mimicked the harmful and painful cycles of my childhood, my life changed. I hope you will be able to experience the same light-bulb moment I had. Letting go of the guilt feels like someone took a lead drape off me.

Grace...it is not your fault. You were trapped by the time you realized what he was doing. And, when you did realize it, you did something about it, right?
It is understandable that you would not want anything to do with men at this point. You need time to heal. I hope you are talking about these things with your therapist.
Take care, and know that you are supported here....HUGS...Jan ♥

Grace
Please know this is not your fault - I know you must feel like you could have prevented everything that happened, but it was not your fault.
We all love you
CC

Grace, thank you sooooo much for posting that, JOB WELL DONE & your working through it too EXCELLANT. Alot of us have felt that way at one time or another & the guilt is overwhelming forsure......Good for you, I admire that in you.

Take care of you.

April

Grace,

Wow!! Good for you! I think it's very healthy to write out what you're feeling instead of leaving it inside as though you are responsible for what happened. I understand your doubts, but truly, you are NOT responsible for his actions! You wanted love! I think it's as "simple" as that... People will do anything for love... Now... I don't think this will happen to you again... I think you are working hard and learning that you are worthy of REAL love. Love that comes without strings attached or abuse of any kind. Expect it for yourself, dear friend. You are brave and strong! ♥

Love,

Jen

We must walk through our wreckage that we indirectly/directly bring into our lives so we can & will learn from it in the future & never repeat it, its also called wisdom & beauty of hind sight. Keep going, it hurts but keep going.

Big hug

April

I have not experienced the pain you have, Grace. But I completely empathize with those feelings! I feel I'm in that place, too, and have been most of my life...

Love to you!

Jen

Im thankful to have this site to get some of this out maybe by doing so I will be able to work through it with my counselor.I just not sure how to start.

Grace, you could always print off your posts and give them to your counselor. That way she'd have the information and you may slowly begin to talk about it. Remember too, part of getting over trauma is not necessary rehashing all of the painful details but being able to move through the immobilization, fear and distrust. It can be extremely powerful to work through this. I am so glad you were able to get some treatment, please keep in contact with your support team. Your life is too precious and all of the hard work you have done and are doing is not all in vain...you will be free of your ED. Thinking of you :)

Imobolizing is the perfect word to describe why I havent been able to yet share all of this with my counselor.I have told her I need to work through some things with her.She has been very patient with me and I have come to trust her.I see her again on the 26.

Grace, I'm so glad you're still seeing your counselor! ♥ I loved the idea of printing off your posts here and giving them to her. That might really help. I haven't yet told my counselor about my molestation, either... I know it's important. I think these things that have happened to us have largely taught us that the world is an unsafe place. And without that particular belief, I don't think we would have gone on to develop eating disorders. That piece of my first therapist's diagnostic process is beginning to make sense to me. ♥

Thinking of you today, friend!

Love,

Jen

Your counselor is very good in that she knows how to guide/lead you & that the answer lies within yourself & helping you to realize it.... & Hopeful tell your counselor, I was molested from age 2-12, again everyone there are reasons we place certain people in our lives & then have to take the journey....

Love to you all

April

Thanks, April!

I know I need to tell her… I put it off with my first therapist, then switched therapists, and it hasn’t come up with my new one… Kind of a big thing to bring up… I need to… It’s just scary… :stuck_out_tongue:

Love to you,

Jen