Rather Gloomy Northguy Ramble, the usual emptiness of life w

Rather Gloomy Northguy Ramble, the usual emptiness of life with some guilt over being nonproductive. don't read if that'll bother you.

Grim news. Costco wasn't carrying the ice cream bar variety pack this week. I am now utterly bereft of cold sugary goodness.
How will I ever go on?

Cat time was alright today, I miss having a favorite cat, now its more of just a chore cleaning everything and then leaving without spending much time playing with the cats. But eh I'm sure we'll get another one in at the shelter that I'll like.
I had a huge anxiety spike last night that had me running in circles mentally for a bit obsessing about money. Odd that I haven't had one of those for months previously, I guess I'm a bit calmer now, which is nice.
Still got the old depression thing going on. Heading into my "everything is meaningless" mood now it looks like. I wish I didn't have to deal with these. It's going to be a long, long life if I keep existing at this low level of not giving a crap. I wish my meds did more for this. Not to say they aren't helpful, really they are. I would probably have killed myself by now without medication. I mean that's a tough thing to guess, but really there's only so much sadness and fear a guy can take, and unmedicated me has even more random sads and way, way too much obsessive fear.
I don't know if this will ever seem worth it, and I don't know that I'll ever manage to feel like I'm doing enough good to justify the resources I spend on myself. Life is hard, and I'm not sure to what extent I'll get beyond the close to worthless existence I live today. But I suppose there's no real point in wondering since I have to do it anyhow. Anyway at least objectively speaking things are better now near the end of 2015 than they were at the beginning. I go out at least a little more now, and that whole legal/financial stuff about my mom's estate is all done. That was the never ending drama from hell, so having it end after two years was a biggie and I did well with it in terms of getting it all to go as I wanted, even if it took forever. And at one point I could have given up, but didn't and things were better because of it. Maybe in 2016 my list of problems will shrink more too, we'll see.

Assuming I survive the ice cream withdrawals, of course. ;)
Anyhow glum mood this evening, but I'll manage. I'm never allowed to do anything else.

3 Hearts

There is always cheesecake. Just keep keeping on. A better 2016 would be awesome for all of us

@Namaste250 Not really a cheesecake fan here, but yes here’s hoping it’s a better next year for all.

I hope things get better for you!!! (((BIG HUG)))

@Mary76 thanks, hugs back :slight_smile:

Today was a bit better despite not really being a good day. Same old sort of bored with life feeling. No great surprise that that'll happen since my life is admittedly quite boring. Still, I did what little I set out to do today, and thanks to cleaning this week I had a full bin worth of trash to throw out so that's good. Now I just have to focus on that and not how much more stuff there is to get rid of. Yeesh having 3 people living in a house for years whose moods range from "why clean? to why get out of bed in the morning" results in an awful lot of accumulated mess.
Sometimes its tough when I have a "this is my life" moment. I know exactly how I wound up being in this state with no life and no socially respectable achievements (not no achievements, to be fair). But it's just kind of shocking if I think about how I thought things would be when I was 18 headed off to a great college and all that. Life is weird. I used to do so much more, and yet that was so much easier.
I'm not sure I've ever put it quite that starkly before, but yeah, life was easier I think back then. Though of course I always worry that I'm skewing my memories to try to preserve my self-respect. I don't know why I'm not better at trusting myself as being a valid observer of my life.

Anyhow nothing too major on the agenda this week. I'll find things to stress about unnecessarily, but such is my life. Hopefully I can keep from falling into the afternoon lows as bad as I have been in the early week.