Reaching out for help

Ok I have been in chaos for the past three days. It was triggered by a weigh in-no shocker there. I had gone about a month or so without weighing and had determined that I do feel so much better not knowing the number and just living. Well curiosity got the best of me in one thought and in one moment, I weighed in. I was floored by the results. A significant gain. Well instead of letting this roll of my shoulders I have somehow convinced myself to do an experiment for the next three weeks, coincidentally the next three weeks that my therapist is out of town. This plan involves restricting my calories. This is VERY unlike me as I am not typically a restrictor (anymore) and struggle more with binging and purging. I plan on stopping the experiment after three weeks and eating balanced and intuitively again (which I have been having mostly success with and having only a few relapses of purging here and there for this entire summer). So it all seems completely illogical but I have myself convinced that I must do this. To make things worse, and this is horribly embarrassing to admit, I am hoping that when my therapist returns she will see an actual physical change in me...why? I want her to verbalize it, express the concern, the validation of "looking skinny" Its sick I know and only here could I dump such shaming thoughts....Just not sure how to come out of this. I mean nature might take over and throw the whole experiment off anyways but I would like to be able to frame things in a healthier way and start acting on it because I know that would be best. The desireof wanting to pull this off is soooo strong though.
Also do you think it is better to stop weighing(not know the number and set myself up for these kinds of disasters ) or weigh myself consistently so at least I know where I am at (even though it drive me crazy having to constantly weigh, I hate knowing, its major stress)??

In such pain right now and please know I have been checking here time and again and honor the tribulations and major accomplishments of ALL of you so very much.

Hi surrender,

I dont way by myself anymore, i stoped that a quite some time ago. Its only done when i go to the nutritionist...
I had my first monthly weigh in at the nutritionist about 2 weeks ago. Untill before that it had been weekly and for a while every two weeks. I never really knew the number though...She would just tell me i was stable if ive droped or gained alittle, and only when she felt she had to bring it to my attention. It drove me crazy at the beggining and still does at some points...
I was so happy when she told me we could go a whole month before i had to go in again. I felt it was real progress and for those four weeks i was really great up untill the day before i had to go back in. I found myself in a panic! I wanted to go in and get weighed! I wanted to know! I didnt want to know! I had to know! I didnt have to know! Down right panic and confusion...I was in tears the day before and i didnt know why i was really crying and what i was afraid of. I went though and had my weighin...she said what she said, we talked over things and gave me another month till my next wiegh in...I dont like the weigh in but i know it is something that needs to be done at least for a while still so they can monitor...As much as i hate to admit it, for me i need it to be supervised, that why i no longer have a scale, so i cannot do it alone at home...That way when im wieghed even if im not told the number i can usually tell if its up or down, and there is someone there helping me deal with it, whatever it is...

Its abit tricky so im not sure what to suggest...weighing is always hard in regards with ED, I think if you feel the weighing is leading you down a road which could be dangerous you should avoid it or maybe have it done supervised, just to have someone with you to help you deal with the feelings it brings...

dont know if this helps at all...

Hang in there
smiles and Love
Andrea

1 Heart

Surrender...I agree that weighing yourself, as you can see, is only compromising your recovery. Leaving it to your therapist, or a doctor (blindly) may be the safest thing for you for a while.
You say you know your 'plan' is illogical. It could be very dangerous in terms of throwing you into an even more chaotic b/p cycle. Please don't restrict your calories! Eating a routine plan, consistently, is the best way to get your body and your hunger cues back to normal. It takes time, and wanting to do things 'normally' (whatever that is!), too soon, can lead to painful consequences.
Do you have anyone to touch base with while your therapist is gone? I hope so. In any respect, I hope you will share here and do the best you can to not allow yourself to fall back into the dieting mode....never a good one.
Thinking of you...Jan ♥

Surrender,

I agree with Andrea and Jan... Please don't restrict... You know you'll complicate your ED and put yourself into a very dangerous situation... This is not an experiment; it's a dangerous gamble... Don't gamble more than you're willing to lose...

Thinking of you!

Love,

Jen

Thank you for the responses

Andrea- Ideally your situation sounds perfect, a controlled weigh in by a therapist or doctor who can then help me deal with any potential meltdowns in that moment. Problem is I don't think my therapist would be into the whole weighing thing, it’s not really her style. I also do not routinely see a doctor, only once a year so....I don't even own a scale, it is the scale at the gym and I have done my best to not weigh in. I used to do it twice a week and at least it felt a little better then. Ok I am talking in circles I think you bring up a good point with having someone there with me when and if I do weigh in. Your sharing does help friend :)

Jan-I am not sure exactly what you meant by wanting to do things normally too soon....do you mean in terms of eating intuitively after a few weeks of restricting? I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this except on here. My therapist did mention that she had coverage for when she was gone, not sure if that means I could see someone or talk to someone....I could write her an email and I have been tempted to but just not sure...I guess maybe I don’t want to sabotage my plan in doing so :/ But reaching out here is significant to me and I appreciate you so very much.

Jen- You are absolutely right, this is going to complicate things...it isn't an 'experiment' it is a form of self harm and a huge part of me wants to challenge these strong urges and stop but this other part of me is convinced that what I am doing is not only ok but necessary in order to take away some of the damage I have caused in terms of weight gain......and perhaps capture my T's attention, ugh. Thank you for checking in.

Surrender…yes, what I meant that trying to eat intuitively too quickly can be dangerous. It takes time for our bodies to heal, and for us to re-learn what use to be instinctual. Expecting too much of ourselves too soon can be a huge downfall. Recovery is a process which requires patience on the part of others and ourselves. As you know, I was ill for a very long time, and I consider my true recovery to have begun in 2002. It is just in the past couple of years that I have begun to feel true hunger and have feelings of wanting certain foods. This is normal for other people, but it took me a long time to be able to cue into my hunger. That is why I valued my meal plan so much. It kept me safe while my body and mind were healing. I’m glad you were able to speak to your therapist today…take care…Jan :heart:

Ok update, not that anyone cares but it’s therapeutic for me to write this out. I emailed my T last night asking if I could see whoever was covering for her. She emailed me back and actually she hasn’t left yet so she was able to see me today-thankfully!! I was able to talk a lot and I actually got "angry" for the first time infront of her. We kinda explored how I have been disclosing more and trusting her more may have something to do with me putting up this defense of wanting to restrict...combined with the trigger of the scale. She may be right with that. Anyways I admitted to her that I thought she thought I was fat and I think she was a little surprised. I also talked with her about stopping my behaviors and seeking some kind of approval to stop restricting which she gave me. Not only that but she expressed real concern in regards to the ED where she hasn't ever before. She told me that we are doing good work right now and that if I continued to restrict I would get sick and she would hospitalize me and we wouldn’t be able to work on things....wow never even thought that could be possible considering I am not underweight, but she was dead serious. Enough motivation for me to stop and get back on track....Attempting to get back to normal but it is kind of hard. We shall see, but yes I have the desire to eat intuitively and not restrict, binge, purge and maybe I can just start over!!

Surrender,
So glad to hear you got that opportunity to talk really openly with your therapist. its sounds like a real turning point in both your ED and your therapy sessions.

I think her concern is just, because it will only make you sick and prevention is better than cure. All these thoughts you are having about various ways to "control" your weight are all part of the ED so instead of using these and abusing yourself try to return to the healthy pattern that you held, that is the best and only way.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, you have a great footing now...I know you can do this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you
MG x

1 Heart

MG

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I like how you said prevention is better than curing. Yes I have been able to eat very well before and I think if I am able to get back on track things will go much smoother. It’s hard, I didn’t realize I would ever fall back of wanting to restrict but I am doing better and starting to come out of it today. Thanks again!

Surrender,

Im glad you could talk with your therapist! I found that when i am on shakey ground if i can turn to my therapist it usually helps me reasses things and think about it all better.

It is an ongoing process and it takes time. What Jan says about wanting to get back to "normal" to quickly is right. Its there where we need a great deal of patience and faith that time will make things better as long as we stay on track with things now...Not easy...i know...

Take care and thinking of you
Smiles :)
Andrea

Thanks Andrea!! Thinking of you too and hoping that you are having a peaceful day :slight_smile:

Surrender,

I'm so glad you were able to meet with your therapist! It's so important to be tuned in to these urges, and to address them as they occur. That must have felt terribly frustrating, to be revisited like that by old feelings. But instead of choosing to isolate and follow them, you decided to reach out and challenge them. That's wonderful!! ♥

Keep it up, friend! You're doing sooo well! :D

Love,

Jen

Thank you my friend! It is amazing what a difference it makes to actually reach out and not be alone in the thoughts and engage in self care by writing here and seeing my therapist. I knew I was in trouble and I sought some help. I am struggling with getting back on track but I am nowhere near the place I was when I first posted. It is truly encouraging and inspiring to share and be accepted here and to follow others who are reaching out too, like you! You are an inspiration! Have a fabulous weekend with Jan!!

surrender...It's so good to know that you are benefiting form the support of others, and the safety of this network!
Take it a day at a time. It's always nice to see your posts!
Jen and I are having a great time! Thanks! HUGS...Jan ♥