Reason 3618

i have found yet ANOTHER reason to get this eating disorder out of my life... like i really NEED any other reasons; i have soooo many.
on my way to fetch my kiddos from school, i tried to light my *i'm not a smoker* token cig with too many numb fingers. once that monumental task was accomplished, i realize [like i've suddenly been SMACKED] that i can't stand the way my jeans are sitting on my waist... my tummy feels like a muffin-top and everything in me has to rearrange my jeans or it will be the apocalypse. trying to work around my winter coat and my seatbelt, drive across a bridge over the ohio river, and balance my cig with my numb fingers, i about swerve into the railing that is separating me and my van from PLUNGING into the ohio river- but, i managed to arrange my jeans.
never fear, my sisterhood, the apocalypse has been avoided... at the cost of a fucking ash getting accidentally flicked into the backseat of my van and burning a small whole in my son's boosterseat. apocalypse avoided; almost plunged into the river; turned my van into a g d redneck van with cig burns in the kids' carseats--- i'm a loser, baby. but hey, my jeans got rearranged- priorities people!
so reason #3,618 to continue working toward the obliteration of this eating disorder: so i won't plunge into the ohio river or flick cig ash on my kids' carseats, b/c heaven forbid i deal with my jeans not sitting quite right.
sigh.
namaste, my sisterhood...
xoxo

Amy

Go easy on yourself ..YOU know YOU are aware that yes you have an ED. I can understand the feelings of how things fit and how they MUST fit a certain way. Its that obsessive behavior of our bodies that makes the Ed control us. Once we recognize the obsessiveness its the guilt that makes us SEE that somehow it needs to STOP.
you ARE taking steps to defeat your ed and believe me it takes time.
One step at a time ..one day at a time. Its a slow process.
So relieved you didn't end up in the Ohio river.
That would be tragic!

Its HARD work Amy I won't lie but you are strong!

We all have stressors in life. That are thing's that enable stress. What you need is a proper way to cope with your situation. While anxiety could be what is causing your eating disorder. Perhaps you don't eat and there is your way of coping.

We all have stress in life. Try to divide the days. Take it a single day at a time. If anyone looks at "everything" in a single day it can be a bit overwhelming for us.

ag and josh---
thank you for your attention and support.
although my post describes a series of unfortunate events that actually DID occur, the tone was meant in jest. as you read *i'm a loser, baby*, please sing it as only beck can do. :)
my point is that now that i am AWARE of a lot of what i do and think, i see many dysfunctional patterns and obsessions. when they present themselves one at a time, things don't seem so chaotic... but when overlap, the chaos is now VERY apparent to me...
namaste, honeys
xoxo

Hello Sister,
In your post I see illumination, a light turned on and all those crazies or chaos contributors pausing just for you, prior to them scattering back into the walls.
(I don’t like to squash things, but maybe in this case it’d be nice to yes kill a few bugs (neurosis/ed beliefs) before they can go hide back in our physic walls?.)
I’m glad you get to see them, hopefully they are loosing their power over you. So much to see in the light! I’ve still got a lot of scarves over my lamps, thanks for letting me know that it might not be as scary as I fear.
Love and LIGHT to you sweet sister,
Patsy

Thank you Amy...while I did find the mental image you 'painted' to be both humorous and frightening, you made a key point..you are now aware of these things, and you see that this is not what you want your life to be. Keep writing friend....remember, it's a process.....HUGS to you...namaste ♥

Amy, you made me giggle, friend!! :) Scary truths that hit CLOSE to home! I am NEVER able to relax until my jeans have been properly positioned, either! LOL!! ♥ Glad you're SAFE, and that you recognize the craziness of the G D ED. ;0)

Love!

Jen

Amy: Ditto to what the others have said. And God forbid you fall into the OHIO river..... who knows what is swimming around in there.....Algae, rotton eggs from our wonderful egg farms, etc.