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Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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a LOT has been going on with me...

it's possible i may be admitted into an outpatient eating disorder program. i was super scared to think of this and am still pretty freaking anxious...

it all feels a lot like when i first sought help for my problems (which were unknown, and how i discovered i had an eating disorder and list of other issues). i remember feeling totally freaked out, mainly because it was a realization that i couldn't take care of myself or handle things alone. a lot of untapped emotions are spilling out, and i find that i pour my heart out, and it ends up being an unconscious experience where i'm asking for the help i need, but did not know i need.

i've shared a couple times about the progress in my recovery, and i still feel very much like i've come a long way from that first title wave of crying for help... but it was a shocker to have seen some professionals and hear they want to see me receive more care.

i remember my therapist trying to get me to go to an inpatient facility a few years back. i fought her on it - really wanted to work slowly in therapy and felt that was best for me. i was far too scared at that moment in my recovery to accept such a challenge. but i'm different now, i know i am stronger than before. i know also that i am scared, but i can do it.

i'd have to take a medical leave of absence and work the program as if it were my full-time job. i'm scared my insurance won't cover, though a lot of medical professionals are working hard right now to see i find the best financial means to enter the program - which is fantastic! i've never had this much help before... it's really exhilarating. i'm even scared it won't work out. i am scared i can't afford it. i think if i can't afford it, or it doesn't work out... i think i'd get really very depressed. but i am staying positive and looking at all the signs... and they're all pointing in the direction of help... so nice.

it's funny, cause before all this happened, i was going to rant about how much i hate that proper care has never been an option for me. i wrote for 30 mins and just deleted it all. the next day, i've got like 5 professionals listening to me and working their tails off for me!

before i say my good bye, does anyone know if i were to go on medical leave that it'd be paid for (whether through govnmt or my employer)? if any of you have any advice, give it! and on anything!

please think of me... this is hard on many levels. and maybe if i know all of you are just thinking and hoping for the best, it may help :)

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misst...I wish you the very best. Do you have to travel to be admitted to this program? If it is outpatient, how frequently do you have therapy, etc.?
Please remember that recovery is multi-layered, and if you want the freedom that full recovery gives, it take patience, time and a lot of hard work. Please don't ever give up!! You will know when you are 'there', because you will just know!! ♥
I will be thinking of you...please check in as you can...Jan ♥

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thanks jan.

it's local, thank god! just 20 minutes from my home, and it would be a 5-day, 4 hour program with therapy, group sessions, etc.

i think patience is something i need to be reminded of - advice? what do i do while i wait to go to this program, while right now i am very much not myself? i feel very depressed, anxious, and stuck. i need to feel clarity so i can focus on work (without giving any signs that i am mentally suffering), and i feel like i'm going to explode - crawl into a corner and sob and say viscous things to my unstable boss who continues to poison me... i know those are harsh words... a bit dramatic... but i feel like that right now. i don't mind feeling that way knowing i have help... but i worry i won't.

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Do you know how long it will be before you can begin the program? Dealing with the anxiety of waiting until you are admitted is difficult to say the least. I know how important it is to have clarity and certainty, but life just isn't always like that. I had to accept that and decide to take things in the moment, and to realize that I won't always be in control of things or know exactly what is going to happen. Does journaling help you? Listening to music? If you have someone in your life who you trust, perhaps you can talk to them about your fears...or here. You can write about them here. What are you most anxious about right now? I hope your day is going well....Jan ♥

5

right now i am anxious that i won't be able to go to the program. i'm having difficulty figuring out if my insurance will cover it, and i'm also trying to fight my mother's health insurance to add me into an "opt. early" benefit that her carrier denied... on top of that, i worry i won't be able to afford my bills without pay, so i have to look into that. but i don't want to start asking questions until i first find out about my plan, and then see about my mom's plan.

i am just so scared i won't get the treatment. i had lunch and called some people to obtain a letter in writing that my mother's carrier denied the benefit for x and y reasons, in hopes this may build me a case to join. her health insurance kick's mine's butt, and i would feel comfortable about this financial problem knowing i'd be covered through her policy. well, it didn't go super well, and i'm frustrated and tired.

i need the help. i feel a relapse coming and i really need help and i'm scared. and i'm advocating for myself and since i've never done that, i feel very blind about the process and that i will say the wrong things.

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Being your own advocate is empowering, but it is also exhausting. Are you personally talking to your insurance company? Does the problem have to do with this being treatment for an eating disorder, or for coverage in general? If you go to the NEDA website, they offer some good suggestions about how to deal with insurance companies. You may want to check it out. Keep fighting for what you need! Do you have a facility in mind? If so, they may be willing to help you on their end, depending on the circumstances. Or, you could inquire about a fee reduction, which is sometimes offered if someone doesn't have insurance coverage for their treatment.
Hang in there, and please don't give up!! Fight for what you need and deserve!! HUGS...Jan ♥

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misst

Listen to Jan she knows what shes talking about I was my own advocate.Its tough but like she says keep fighting for what you feel you need.I did just that and today I don't regret it.You are WORTHY so fight for it girl!!