Recovering from my EDs

hello - my name is tj and i'm new to the site. i stumbled upon it while looking for some help with my recovery... it's hard to think of how to start this post, but i guess what i'm looking for is some encouragement, and people i can talk to about the types of problems i am currently going through. i'm not sure if you really would need my back story, so i'm going to try and just start from here, today.

today my pants aren't buttoned. i just ate lunch, and i've decided to also let my zipper down a bit. i've been gradually gaining weight since my recovery process was amped up a few notches, with the addition of a nutritionist and psychiatrist to my "team," (as i call it) back at the start of 2010.

i feel like i'm going through another weight gain (already gained a good 20 lbs) and i'm scared to death about it. the thing is, i can't afford to see my therapist or nutritionist for a while - i pay out of pocket to see them since my insurence doesn't cover the costs. i haven't seen either of them since march, and i don't forsee that i can afford it until this fall :(

also, i absolutely cannot afford to buy myself any clothing. i've been in dire need of clothes for my new body, but money is extremely tight. believe me, when i do find anything it is on-sale and i frequently shop thrift stores. i'm tired of going through my closet and changing everything i put on in hopes it will be comfortable and/or look right on me. but they aren't comfy and they don't look right, and i deal with this every day. ... i don't even know how to dress myself anymore.

i know i'm supposed to stick it out, esp. since i've come so far, but what the heck am i supposed to do? i can't talk to my therapist or nutritionist, and i tried talking to my psych. but i know she doesn't really understand because she's given me some unhealthy suggestions.

i guess that's just where i'm at... frustrated and feeling like a solution isn't going to approach me for months and that has been really bringing me down.

1 Heart

Hey Misst,
Congratulations on your road to recovery. I know it can be difficult when you are struggling financially and you are in the midst of your recovery. This is probably the time when you are most scared, but try and hold on to the details your nutrionist and your therapist gave you for the while, until you can see them again.

If you are really unhappy with you psych, maybe you could try someone else for a while? And there are some psychs out there that charge on a sliding scale, through your means of income, though you will have to do some investigation into them, in regard to your area.

I know it can be frustrating when it feels like you are waiting for these months to pass to get to next part of recovery. But the truth is you are in recovery right now and you are doing really well.

Maybe what you should do in regard to your wardrobe is anything that just doesn't fit, and can't be tailored into something else just throw it away. Trying on clothes that don't fit won't make you feel good, it can be very stressful. Even if it means less clothes, it probably means less time spent dressing and undressing to get your day started. And it would be kind of a nice touch to saying goodbye to the old you.

And when it comes to buying clothes, buy things a little bigger for you, keep it simple. But you can style it up by putting a belt around the middle of things, it will look like a completely different outfit. I know how it is to be in the poor house, with regard to clothes, mostly i stick with cheap t-shirts that you can layer up, or a shirt/dress with a belt round the middle can change the look. Maybe you should invest in skirts and tights for a while, you'll grow out of them less quick and they would be cheaper than trousers or jeans.

I don't know if this helped any. But keep coming back here for support anyway. You are doing so great on your recovery. I'm so happy for you.

Warmest Regards
Moongal

HI Misst: Welcome to the site! YOu have definitely come to the right place for support. It sure sounds like you have made tremendous strides in your recovery, and doing it without good insurance is an even greater feat! Wonder if you could borrow some clothes from a friend, or perhaps check with a local church or thrift shop? And I always prefer looser things when I am gaining weight. Elastic waists are great!
Keep up with your recovery, I know hard hard it must be; share more with us about your background and how you got to this point
We are anxious to hear more and to be here to support you!

TJ,

Welcome to Support Groups! :)

I know it's hard to gain weight. Those tight clothes always serve to remind me of the fact that I am gaining. I like the suggestion of just getting rid of the things that no longer fit. There's no sense torturing yourself with the daily reminders. Time to purge those "sick clothes". ;0) I know the expense of buying new clothes... I ditched each size with relish as I was dropping weight. Gladly spending money I didn't have as I fit into smaller sizes. Now, I'm UP two sizes. That was necessary, but is harder to celebrate. And it's much harder to charge that expense when I really long to wear the smaller clothes I already have. But they really ARE sick clothes. I should not wear them. They should not fit. It's good that they no longer do. (Gulp...) Thrift stores are a great idea. I actually sold some of my clothes to a store, too! I didn't get much, but it helped... You might give that a try.

Keep up the good work, sweetie! You've stumbled upon a wonderful site! It is changing my life all the time, and I know it can change your's, too. ♥

Love,

Jen

Hi TJ! I'd like to welcome you as well, and tell you that you are doing a great job of opening up and sharing about your struggles! I agree with what everyone else has said, and I promise you that the hard work and 'pain' will be well worth your freedom.
Based on what you shared, you are working your recovery. There is no magical solution, but time, and doing the work over and over is your best defense.
I hope you will continue to share and join in the great 'discussions'. Take care...Jan ♥

thank you all very much! i'm glad to have "stumbled" upon this site, and i think it will help me a lot. everyone here seems to be giving advice and getting it, which is awesome to have come across!!!

after yesterday, i thought it might be a good idea to visit an important article of clothing... i tried on a bridesmaid dress i'm supposed to wear on the 19th, and it doesn't fit anymore :( i'm very much freaked by it and trying to figure out how to fix this problem (esp since i have no money for it). ugg.

jen - you're completely right about the thrill of shopping for clothes when you're dropping sizes... i remember feeling so accomplished when i could purchase a size 0/2, and i wish it were the same with my new size.

it saddens me to think about how people aren't commonly praised when they're gaining weight, but man do the compliments fly if you're body's shrinking... there's a woman at work who's pants are looser because she's losing weight, and everyone is noticing and saying stuff about it. it makes me wonder if they notice my recent pant problem...

p.s. i'm working on my "story" in case you're interested and will load it when i'm completed.

again, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts - it's so nice to talk to a community of people who really understand what i'm going through, and as a peer instead of a superior [like a therapist/nutritionist/psych. (whom i should change)]

heart,

tj

i can definelty relate..to this...in recovery---you go through lots of flunctuations(or i have)

in eating disorders, you hurt your metabolsim greatly--and to compensate--your body gains weight---it is a part of the recovery process...it does go away and your body normalizes to a healthy weight---but for me--man --it is taking forever and i keep gaining also--or losing --for no reason. i went to my doctor convined i have a thyroid problem, i got tested and im fine--but she said it will take about a year for your body to heal itself. it doesnt happen overnight--and for some---it happens sooner and others it takes longer...

it is frustrating--and i have spent hundreds---HUNDREDS of dollars on clothes this summer---while i keep going up and down, up and down--this is one rollercoaster ride i wanna get off! goah, it is frustrating and the temptation to go back to ana is great--but this is how i messed up my body and metabolsim in the first palce so there is no way im going back. i ve gotten too tooo too ill from anorexia...

sometimes--i get so so depressed from the weight gain ...it makes me sad and feel wierd and ugly....and odd--BUT the important thing to remember is----to be proud of your recovery--and we are beating something that i beleive is as addicting as heroin....so that in itself is a feat. and if someone has a warped veiw and comments on others weight loss--that is his/her messed up insane mind he/ she has to deal with....i ve come to realize not to make others happy or impressed with me--but to be happy with life itself and make me happy--not others dumb opinions...

focus on the real beauty of life--and not dress sizes and you will be happy--focus on nature, hobbies, interests, goals, love, family, anything that makes you happy.....

AND ONE THING--- PLEASE no mention of dress sizes on this site or weight, BMI, calories, fat grams, as it triggers others who are vulnerable on this site---and i know for me--that dress number you mentioned---well, it did trigger me, but your new so it is understandable---but just remember for the future not to use numbers on this site....we want this site safe...

love
maureen

TJ,

I've had those same thoughts!! Surely if people could see me losing weight, they must also see me gaining!! But no one says anything. And I'm GLAD they don't!! But it does leave the mind to wander into dangerous territory... :P I understand that feeling of accomplishment at fitting into smaller and smaller sizes... I DO... Why don't we feel the same feeling as we fit into larger sizes? :0/ I think part of that is the product of our culture... Every cover of every magazine, every tv commercial, every show, every THING in our cultures screams: Losing weight is GOOD, Gaining weight is BAD. We internalize these messages and they become these very black and white, objective ways for us to measure ourselves... Of course, the TRUTH is that SIZE does not determine WORTH. And it's only good to lose weight if one is OVERweight. For those that are UNDERweight, GAINING is GOOD! ♥ Perhaps if we try to shift our internal messages? Can we perhaps correct ourselves and say: Becoming healthy is an accomplishment. :) Easier said than done... It will take practice. :)

Love to you!!

Jen