I am 38 married for the 2nd time to a man who appears to have the world at his feet. He is a recovering alcoholic & crack addict whom I have so much respect for and all the love in the world. He has 6.5 years clean under his belt and continues to work his recovery program on a daily basis.
I do fear my husband in so many ways. I am so scared he is going to leave me, cheat or just find someone who measures up to his standards. In every aspect of our lives, as parents, as professionals, as his wife, partner and friend, he can say the most hurtful, demeaning things. We are about to have our 3rd wedding anniversary and I just do not understand why I am so awful that he has to point out my short-falls and failures repeatedly. He apologizes sometimes when I point out what he said that is demeaning, and always sooner than later I am in tears because it is happening again, so soon... it cuts so deep when it happens and I just don't want to loose him. He is so positive and Courageous in all the aspects of our lives except this one.
For months, I have tried to point out this behavior which has had a pretty detrimental effect on my own self worth and has **** near destroyed relationships with other very important family members.
One of the traits which attracted me to him was how no matter what the subject of conversation could have been about... I always felt positive, motivational and genuinely uplifting charge coming from him, the man of my dreams.
Is this a Disease of some sort maybe the cause of his addictions or caused by them. I want to stand by his side and make "us" what we wanted it to be on that long 20 ride to the court house.
needinhim
oh dear how nasty is your man? i guess the problem is that u are caught up in the emotions of missing him or loosing him that u have allowed him to chip away at your self esteem, in some ways it makes sense so that if he does leave u will have this fairytale list of faults to justify it and that is at the back of your mind all the time
so rewind the picture he choose to be with u and unless u have seen signs that he is doing anything wrong dont look for trouble concentrate on finding that person who took that ride to the court house, the one who was going to have it all
if u are happy with in yourself his words wont be able to wound u and if he continues then point out that we are all flawed and that u love him unconditionally so that these little things dont matter to u and if he wishes u to have a change of dress hairstyle he needs to do it in a positive way not take digs that are unnecessary and hurt u
the trouble is he is playing on your insecurities and thats not nice thats mind games and u need to nip it in the bud, become the person u always were before this and access how u are feeling/coping daily
love D:)
Thank you. I appreciate your input. He is not a nasty man at all. There is something wrong, something I think he/we need treatment for but this would be **** near impossible to explain to a health care provider. My own research has lead me to consider NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder or something with similar symptoms. I also am in the process now of researching his current list of prescriptions, (blood pressure, cholesterol, appetite suppressants for weight control, and something for pre-diabetes). It is almost 7am and I have not been to sleep yet from the sheer possibility and excitement that a resolution and end to my despair and pain could be this complicated and yet simple all at the same time. I could actually get the man I married back someday. Include us in your prayers and please comment on how to call our doctor on this topic.
hon
of course i will keep u both in my prayers but if he really is npd then u have a hard road ahead of u, this type of persona tends to suck u dry untill u cant give anything anymore due to the high maintainance of their life style
they dont really have anyone else registar on the scale of living unless they can pander to the whims of npd
as for the meds mayb u would be better off looking to change little things in the diet to allow him to gain control in a more natural way so the meds arent needed disolving one problem at least
and as for how to tell the doc write all the observations u have made down and be honest when u go to see him/her and offer insights in to his npd persona, make sure u understand why he takes the other meds and what they do in the combo they are taken in at home u might find u need to space them out and no i guess your man isnt really nasty just suffering
so i wish u well with your quest to the improved marriage
love D :)
My father died when I was a teenager and I didn't really get along with my mother. My father was the supportive one "you can do anything" and my mother was not. There was and is resentment from her because my father didn't support her like that. However, the problem is that after he passed away I developed this fear of abandonment. I ended up with this man who is egotistical, needy, and self-centered because I knew that he would not leave me as long as I gave up everything and stayed there as his abuse target to make him feel better about himself. As he says he has to yell at someone at least once a day and I know if he hasn't had the opportunity to do so the minute I walk through the door. And it doesn't end, sometimes for weeks, he will just yell, nag, belittle, etc....until he feels better. And for this pleasure, I get to work, take care of the house, split wood, shovel snow....I don't have any space in the house. My belongings and clothes are in storage because they take up too much space around the house. And everyone thinks he is great, you wouldn't believe the kindness he shows in public and to others. I have finally reached the point where I had to ask myself who cares what is wrong with him. Why should his problems (which he is well aware of and admits) be the focus of my life? He finds it quite amusing that everybody thinks that he is great to me and that when he dies I can have whatever life I want but until then it is going to be about him. My point is that I understand where you are coming from so I am not being mean when I tell you that maybe you should stop sacrificing so much of your time and energy on this "wonderful" person who takes joy in demeaning you and find supportive people to spend time and energy on who will make you feel better about yourself. I think that you are obviously a very warm and giving person. You are very intelligent but your self-esteem is suffering. Post up some good things that you do for yourself or other people (not him).
notsure
thank u for being so frank hon and i hope u are taking some of your own advice
love D :)
It is always easier to see other people's problems. I hope that she is ok.
not sure
i agree with both your sentiments it is easier to see others problems and relate than get your own sorted and i too hope she is ok
but meanwhile u take care of u
love D :)
She has not posted since?
notsure
she might just need time to come to terms with life for some its hard to see it written down and see yourself from anothers point of view
give her time
love D :)
OK, it has been a couple of weeks since my original post.
DOMESTIC was absolutely correct when they posted "she might just need time to come to terms with life for some its hard to see it written down and see yourself from anothers point of view"
I am back to being emotionally shunned, agreements were made between my husband on this topic and other topics that he has discounted and ignored. 2/6 was our anniversary and i drove almost 2 hours to share dinner with him as he was staying in a hotel for work. He had one of his employees join us for that meal, which I thought was pretty inconsiderate. I have asked him if this is something he wants to work out with counseling, talking to his doctor to see if prescriptions could be playing a part in this personality change. He is willing to do the counseling but he believes this to be sol++y my mental issue and not his in any shape, form or fashion. He wants to stay married because of reasons that are not about me. He continues to talk about himself but when I reply in agreement and then try to explain the effects on me and my feelings there appears to be no concern, he lets me finish what I am saying. The conversation goes back to being about his work accomplishments, and why he doesn't want to put forth the time and energy to talk to me.
I have lined up a place for me to go if it comes to it, but that is only as a back up, I want this marriage! I am just lower than I know how to handle and it scares me. I take care of other people, this isn't supposed to happen to me. I am tired of hurting, and having to resort to a support group online for emotional support i feel I should be able to get from my husband.
I can feel your pain. Have you ever seen the movie “Couples Retreat”? De-prioritized!!! What you want, need, think, and feel is unimportant compared to what he wants, thinks, needs, and feels. I can’t help you. I have a similar problem. And I can’t figure it out. The coworker going out to your anniversary dinner could have just been inconsiderate or a way of preventing you from talking to him about marital matters all night.
I do have a problem, however, and it may have just been a poor choice of words because you are in so much pain. But I don’t consider this on-line support group to be something that I just resorted to. Everyone here has been so kind and helpful and some of these people have huge problems and are still willing to read mine and give advice. Sometimes we put too much on our spouses and they can’t be everything. Writing and reading these posts has given me back a sense of perspective about things. It’s not that I don’t think that my relationship has huge problems but talking about it helps me cope. Has it helped you at all?
needinhim
u are indeed an enabler and carer but the person u need to enable is yourself and the looking after needs to be done on you to allow u to create a lifestyle that will either absorb your husbands lack of emotional support or move on either way its time to take care of u
and many come to support group just to find a place to release the tensions that are misunderstood as people dont have time or understanding to offer more than their own point of view but here u can read and draw strength from those that have walked where u are going to tread stood where u are going to stand
hope u are doing better hon
love D :)
notsure
daily i give thanks to the site being here so i can vent or just veg out and read about all the things i have go wrong with my day and know that its the same for everyone
u are right our spouses cant be the support system for every little thing and if we have no close friends to vent to we come here and get validation a smile or share a tear with others who are in pain as well
keep postting ladies u are both needed here
love D :)