I feel down, I'm getting the urge to restrict again. I know it's wrong, but I've been used to it for so long now! I literally don't feel hungry, I can survive a whole day without any hunger pains. I know that's because my body is messed up from the restricting..
So now it's Christmas, n I'm thrilled bcuz I luv this season! But Ed is making it hard, filling my head with confusing thoughts about fear and foods like pizza, hot dogs, carbs, pie, chocolate...all that stuff. N it sucks because my family is counting on me to get through this, to shut Ed up. Bit it's hard, Ed can seem convincing sometimes. I'm going on vacation where there's all inclusive so I'm terrified that I'll lose control n binge there.perhaps gain umcontrollably? I watch everyone else eat freely, no Ed in their heads, they're so lucky! So now I'm anxious about letting my family down or gaining weight fast on the week on vacation!
Hi Mary...the Holidays are truly more stressful, whether or not you are fighting with an ED. I'm sure that your family's pressures on you are based on their concerns, but perhaps you could set boundaries with them, and tell them that during this time, you wish to be given the freedom to take care of yourself. Along with that does come some responsibility to take care of yourself, but you have a right to make your own decisions. If this it about you needing accountability to prevent bingeing, then if you ask them to do certain things to help you, instead of them choosing or deciding what they will do, it could help. YOU are in control...good or bad....I hope you will use your voice and take this opportunity to prove to yourself and your family that you can take care of yourself in a more healthy way. Take care, and I hope you can find some joy in the Holidays! Jan ♥
mary, how have you been? haven't heard from you in a while and thought i'll check in!
lots of love
maedi
I feel that this ED will be here for “forever and a day”.
It is so “normal” to want to restrict, purge, starve, and be fearful of food.
It’snot just during holidays and special events, but it is always.
I suggest you go with the feelings, talk to someone, and redirect.
i pray you continue to bein recovery
lc, i think we all have the exact same fears re kind of wanting to get better yet not giving up the whole 'i wanna be skinny' theme. but ultimately you have to realize (and so do i, yuk!) that this goal really IS part of ED not part of wanting to be healthy.
i guess if you gain weight all depends on how healthy/natural your weight is right now. part of recovery is achieving health so you will have to commit to giving up unhealthy ED behaviors and thoughts (easier said than done, i know...)
good luck lc, and keep us updated!!
love
maedi
I agree...for some, recovery will involve weight gain, and for some it will not, but the key is ending the chaotic eating and stabilizing your eating to the point where you are eating an adequate amount and on a regular schedule. What you say about wanting recovery but not wanting to gain weight....hmmm...we at the treatment center call it the 'anorexic wish', and if your body is underweight, recovery is not possible without gaining weight. Do you want to live a healthy happy life with your husband? Of course you do! If you need to weigh a bit more in order for that to happen, wouldn't it be worth it?
Please don't sacrifice your long-term happiness for what seems like happiness in the moment. There is no weight that will make you happy if you are counting on a weight to make you happy...you know? Take care...Jan ♥
You are right. I wasn't thinking. Of course I want long term happiness. Thanks for your input. I'll most likely reread it alot, so it could settle in my brain.
Take care!
lclarke....it's just hard to see beyond the moment while the eating disorder has it's grips on you, but believe me, recovery is worth the fight in all aspects..take care...♥
Thank you for your support. I can't wait for the day until I could eat what I want without the guilt. I understand I need to be accepting of what might be -my new body image. For a long time (when I'm not under the influence of alcohol) I was able to eat my regular boring foods, without craving something on my unsafe food lists. For some reason the past few month, have caused me to want to eat foods I crave. The list is long. I will one day be a normal eater, and not feel guilty for it. The book, Life Without Ed has given me alot to look forward to. The last few pages were most inspirational. The book helped me start to realize that I can change. Besides, attacking issues like bone density and illnesses that come along with ED, the book gives me hope that I can slowly recover.
Take care of yourself.
lclarke