I'm having a bit of a relapse I guess. I feel so heavy and depressed as though I will never stand straight again. As though not one muscle in my body is strong enough to fight against gravity and even try to smile. I feel like it will be this way forever. I just haven't felt this suicidal and tempted in a while.
It is nearing that time of the month for me and I have watched myself go from being so happy and mostly stable last week to more irritable and hostile everyday until now when all I can summon the energy to think of is maybe ending it all. But I am also too tired and too experienced to know that this feeling will pass.
My bf and I had a trying day today, well I did and when he came home- however it started my fault or not, he has been cold and indifferent. Not at all like his usual self. Plus he had promised we would do something special today but he hasn't even said more than a few words to me that I haven't forced out of him by asking some question or another.
Those of you familiar with BPD will understand what position I am in even though I am not expressing myself clearly. I cannot handle this kind of detachment and indifference from him. It only makes me even more desperate to act out and force him to love me through drastic self-harming actions. I feel my panic and urges rising by the second.
If I dwell on it for more than one second I know I'll go crazy with blinding adrenaline and fear. That he doesn't love me... that something happened today- maybe he met someone that made him realize how hopeless and worthless I am. That his disposition towards me stems from this realization.
I know he would tell me it's nothing and he just had a bad day since he got home and I believe him but... there is just this giant "but" of "I don't know". The truth could be either one and I will never know for certain unless I learn to read minds. It is mind-numbingly terrifying if I let it be. If I think on it. Which I'm not, but just barely.
I'll be fine. I'm fucking going to sleep so I don't do anything.
hi me as i am inside, i''m so with ya hun. your post has described more days than i care to think about in the past year (i'm on the way back up i think) i'm so sorry hun....i felt every word you typed. i'm grateful that you come here and share how your feeling with us, i know i do on other groups! i hope when you check you mails this morning that your feeling better. whether you are or not please give us an update.
Dear M, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug! Please know that I am thinking about you and sending hugs and saying prayers.
Kathy's right, please let us know how you are doing!
Gosh wow i feel like it was me writing all that. I know how hard what ur going through is and i rly admire ur clarity in being able to pinpoint wats bothering u. I hope ur feeling better, and remember tht were all to support u thru anything and everything. *Big hug*
Thank all of you so much. Your utter kindness and understanding has put tears in my eyes. I never even thought anyone would care about or understand what I considered to be a stupid post and I am so grateful to you. I regret to say that I am getting worse but you guys mean so much to me. BIG BIG HUGS. Thank you.
oh dearest me as i am....i was in the pit of hell myself yesterday afternoon and got realy bad last night.....i went to my room put on ewtn took my meds and off to sleep i went. don't feel as bad today. how about you hun...whats the plan when it gets that bad? and how are you doing today?
Wiffy, I am so sorry to hear that yesterday was so terrible for you. I am sending you a BIG HUG, and I am glad to hear that today is better. I don’t know, in my mind I just go completely still so I don’t feel anything, I don’t act on anything. Kind of hard to explain I guess. Today is ok, my pain has been escalating all day but luckily I don’t have to go anywhere. Plus the weather can’t make up it’s mind
wow. this is my first online support group - i just joined. and, this was the first thread i read. it's amazing how so many people can relate. i'm also having a hell of a time right now...i joined this group as a way to try to muster any inkling of strength to avoid cutting myself b/c i am just so upset over so many things (and, as it so often seems, my world is crumbling apart). i relate to everything everyone has been saying. i've tried to talk to so many of my friends and family members about this, but they just don't get it, and when they don't understand, they become fearful and point fingers. just reading these posts gave me a newfound comfort - i guess it's that whole misery loves company thing - but just knowing i'm not suffering alone right now actually made me not want to vomit or cry or both for at least a few seconds. thank you. thank you so much. i am so happy to have found this place. i know we all know that there is some light at the end of the tunnel...but now i feel like i just stumbled upon a group that has a flashlight to help get us there.
Hey, welcome to the site. I am so happy to hear that already it (and we) are able to help you. I think it’s so great that you want to stop cutting, trust me, not cutting is worth it! I relate completely to feeling like your world is often falling apart. It seems not a week goes by for the past 10 years I’m not having some crisis or another. I also relate to not being able to talk to the people in your life. I think that maybe they are just too close to you and the situation. To easy for them to take it personally somehow. Or feel responsible even if it’s just for fixing or watching you. I am here for you.
This is my first time in a support group too. Like others said, you expressed exactly how I feel too. No matter how much my bf tells me he loves me, I wont let myself see it, cuz I fear he will find someone better and then all the emptiness I feel inside will be completely validated.
Hello machosam and jess1978 and welcome to supportboards!! You've met a few of the great people on the boards. I am sorry that you've had to deal with some of the same challenges, but very glad you are here!!
Feel free to start a discussion about you as we would all love to meet you! This is a safe, nonjudgmental place to vent, laugh, cry, yell, ask advice, and hopefully begin to heal. I personally am an abuse survivor and am fairly new here. Only less than 2 months but I've found it to be an amazing place!! So, pull up a chair, read and relax. Don't worry if you find yourself crying when you read the threads that are so similar to your own experiences as that's pretty normal. It's such a relief to have people to relate too and it's very emotional at times.
Share whatever you feel comfortable with whenever you are ready. No pressure, no judgement, no stress. If you are ready to tell begin to tell your story, we are all here for you for whatever you need.
