I’ve been struggling with depression for a while now. I was diagnosed with it back in December 2021. And since then I’ve been jumping from one therapist to another trying to find the one that suited me best. Thankfully in March 2023 I found the one that I got along really well with, she was exactly what I was looking for and talking to her felt like talking to a friend, not just my therapist. And therapy was a roller coaster, everything went up and down all the time. There are days where I feel great, and other days where I feel down. But after 4 months we finally reached a point where the medication was working very well and I was somewhat stable. That was also the time I found someone I thought was my soulmate.
Months went by, and the next thing I know, in October 2023 my therapist told me she’s gonna start reducing my meds because I’m doing very well in the last couple months, and she knows that my then boyfriend had something to do with it. When November came, I was happy, I was in a healthy relationship, my mental health was doing good, I was happy. Then my boyfriend ghosted me. No arguments, no disagreements, nothing, he left me on delivered. I begged him to come back but he never responded or even read my messages. So when my appointment came around, instead of being reduced, my medication was increased. I was at the lowest point in my life. I refused to talk to anyone, I hurt myself daily, I was a mess. By the end of November, I accepted that he was never coming back and I broke down completely, but that also gave me the release I needed.
For months after that I was learning to accept that, I felt bad for my mom as she was paying for my therapy and my meds was becoming insanely expensive because of how bad my depression has been. That, along with how tired I was of feeling helpless, I did everything I could to get better. By May 2024, I was stable again and my therapist was confident I would be okay if the strongest medication was reduced to one every other day. It kept getting lower and lower every visit. And as of September 2024, my therapy was done and all I needed to do was follow the Doctor’s guide on slowly getting off my meds in the next 2 months. Which I did.
But now, it’s November, I was supposed to be very stable and no longer need therapy or medications. And yet I’ve never felt worse. For the first time in months, my thoughts of suicide felt real again, felt like I’m finally ready to commit for real. I haven’t been myself, I’m very irritable, I’ve lost my appetite, I don’t want to leave my room most of the time, and I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back to therapy and take medications again after working so hard to stop, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle this alone again.