Today I will try my very best to not use. I have been on a relapse now for over a year. It hurts to even type it out. I am a mother of a beautiful daughter who is 9 years old. I am extremely involved in her life and schooling and make it a point to volunteer even within our community and her school. I have my own business and I help run my partner’s business, so we are successful in most ways. The ugly truth is that I hid my use of methamphetamine because I convinced myself that as long as I could “control” it, I was not doing anything wrong.
I go to sleep every night. I cook dinner every evening. My home is clean and orderly. My daughter and I have a great relationship. I keep seeing these things, these lists, in my head and Im like…why worry. If you stop then all the pain comes rushing back.
So about 1 year ago, my whole world blew up and it has yet to settle. The man of my dreams was caught having a serious long-term affair with more than one woman and even with a family member of mine. A younger family member. Not illegal young but we are in our 40’s and she is in her 20’s. I have never been so angry. So insanely hurt. I thought for 3 whole months that I would truly die, like never waking up again. I still do as I type this. I caught him so it was not a case of him coming clean, which hurts because I know if I had not caught him he would more than likely still be doing this behind my back. The kicker here is that I have been in many relationships where I was cheated on. They never hurt this way. I believed this was the man of my dreams. My daughter calls him Dad. I have never loved someone the way I love him. Andnow I see many things beyond the cheating that have proven that he is narcistic and emotionally abusive. I am in therapy once a week in person and I work on my recovery via NA. I feel I can’t truly stop using it no matter what I do, I Feel like if I stop I won’t be able to work or get anything done around the House. I won’t be able to be a good mom. Which is stupid because I know I’m not a good mom if I do it. I think I’m just scared and I’m hiding behind it because it helps me not to deal with everything thing up front. I use in a somewhat responsible way I guess but I know I have to stop. No one even has a clue or knows what I do. I mean no one. I don’t look crazy. Or run the roads. I quilt and have game night with my fam. or read bedtime stories. Its almost like I could keep on and nothing would happen. But the guilt is eating me alive and I am ready to heal and move forward. I have been in recovery for 14 years clean the entire time until Aug 4th of last year and bam! I also never ever did this kind of drug before and have never even had a want to. it was just easy to get and I felt I could control it better than my drug of choice. ANY advice would be great, I want to stop and I am. I know I am. I’m just scared of feeling so badly. I’m so so so depressed and sad and angry and I am embarrassed beyond words. This is the first time I have admitted it to anyone. Thank you for reading this and I love you all. Keep fighting.