I am angry with myself right now.... I am caught in an awful, vicious cycle of my eating disorder. It has a grasp on me as if I was a little mouse and it was a giant person picking me up and squeezing me until I cry. The voices harass me and torment me from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep... which is often not until extremely late. Especially the last week or so, things have turned for the worst :/ People in my life know I have been throwing up, and they are upset and frustrated and worried and I am suffering consequences - mostly that people don't trust me anymore.
So now people are on high alert for me throwing up - they won't let me leave the house after eating, they are searching the bathroom and won't really let me shower after I eat, which is good. I am glad they are doing that. However, now I am restricting more than ever. Lying about what I am eating and what I am not eating, and still binging and throwing up out of control with my chance... but mostly I am just throwing up regular food, I feel awful. This is like it used to be two years ago. My weight is dropping.. which I am perversely happy about but at the same time angry and frustrated at myself. Why is it that every time I lose weight, I feel better about myself??? I HATE IT!!! I wish I could see that losing weight is BAD rather than exciting. I don't want to be sick, I want to be healthy and happy.
I don't know what to do with myself.
So I am going to the doctor tomorrow... a physical. I am going to be open with her about everything. I am just wondering, do you think at this point that they would want me to get into treatment?? I am worried... it is childrens hospital and I am really struggling. I don't know about the physical stuff-- I think it is still alright. But I am worried... And I can't say that I've been suicidal off and on because they will surely put me in the hospital.
What should I expect?? I need help I know... I just want to be ok.
Thanks everyone, and love to you all.
By all means, no matter what the consequences, be TOTALLY honest with your doctor tomorrow. Your eating disorder will not like this but it's the only way you're going to get lasting help. No one can say for sure what will happen if you are completely honest but I can tell you that if you aren't nothing is going to change and you won't get the help you so desperately need. You are so worth it!! You can get help and you deserve help. ED's are so hard to fight all alone. I don't think I know of anyone that has fully recovered all on their own. I'll be praying for you and be sure to come back on and update when you get back home!! All my love and best wishes!!
Thank you Harry
I will be honest with my doctor tomorrow, as much as I really really really really dont want to! I will do my best, give details (sigh) and hopefully take a step in the right direction.
I will let you know how it goes
CC good luck with the doctor! i understand itll be tough but you could do it, youre a strong person and can get through this! We believe in you and you should too :)
cc..I agree that the only way you will finally be able to break this vicious cycle and get the help you need is to be totally honest, as hard as that is. Is there another option for treatment, such as a specific treatment for eating disorders. Does this Children's Hospital have such a program? I will eager to hear how it goes.....HUGS...Jan ♥
So I went to the doctor... and I will share.
I was totally honest. I told the lady everything, which was hard. But I told her. And she was sorta shocked and worried and talked about some kind of program. I was in an eating disorder outpatient program and it was awful... I don't want to do that. I don't know if I can go inpatient or not. I am sooooooo cold it is ridiculous. Im hardly anything, unless I am in the middle of binging and definitely plan to throw up. AGGGGHHHHHHHH
I'm freezing. Its june and I'm wearing ugg boots and a sweatshirt. And I'm freaking cold. ****.
So what do I do from here?? Continue to restrict so that I don't automatically throw up everything in my stomach. I don't even try... when I get full I throw up I can't help it. I am stuck and scared.
HELP
Congrats on being totally honest!! That took a LOT of courage but in the long run it's the best. Did she have any suggestions about programs you could look into or will she do the leg work for you? It does sound like you need a higher level of care if you can't keep from purging or restricting. IP is only a start to get you back on track and you take from it what you put into it.
Keep us posted as to they type of treatment they're offering....
CC...an outpatient program is probably not the best option for you at this point. It sounds like you need IP at least for a while. Did this doctor elaborate about what to do now? Honey, you are cold because your body has not insulation, and you are starving. You will not have to deal with this once you get help and your body is nourished adequately.
I can understand that you are scared. What are the plans? Will you be seeing her again? Please ask for help. it's the only way you can recovery and move on with your life. Please let me/us know how we can help....Jan ♥
It's amazing how the body temperature improves through recovery, CC! :) You can do this, dear! It does sound like you need inpatient. What is your next step?
I don't know what my step is at this point... I mean I don't know how I can possible pay to go into an inpatient program. I am a mess, I know, and I need help. People are noticing that I haven't been eating, and it is not so much that I am purposely restricting, I am just so afraid that anything I eat will turn into a binge/ throwing up by force - or that if I eat I will automatically throw up without even trying to ahhhhhhhgggggg.
I'm scared my body hates me I am dizzy like a crazy person. It just seriously sucks so badly, and I know I should probably get into some kind of treatment... but I just don't know how.
Jan or anyone, do you have suggestions, how does paying work, and where could I go??? How long would I be there? Do you think it would help me or not.....
Thank you for your help, I really don't know what to do.
CC