Relapsing Scared

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I found this website because... well, I'm scared.
I'm bulimic. I used to make myself sick a lot, and lost a substantial amount of weight, but I stopped and got better and hadn't done anything in a while, and I was relatively healthy (though still very much overweight). I was ok with myself... but lately...
Lately I can't stop. I think about food all the time, and I'm getting obsessed again. If I eat anything even potentially unhealthy, I have to fight the urge to make myself sick. Sometimes I control it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go out and buy bags and bags of unhealthy stuff because I know I can't stop myself, so I may as well enjoy what I'm eating.
Sometimes it scares me what I'm doing to myself. Sometimes I just don't care.
My boyfriend told me that he wants me to be healthy for the long haul, so we can grow old together, and who cares if I'm skinny or chubby as long as we're happy? He made me promise not to do it anymore, and that promise is honestly all that keeps me from doing it, because I don't care anymore if I'm healthy. I just don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want people to give me that Look.

Hey Anon,
Your are not alone. Bulimia is a serious condition, but you can't do this alone...I think you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. Your boyfriend sounds like a caring understanding person and it's wonderful to have that support.

I know you may feel bad about yourself right now and this is a complicated illness...but if you just say to yourself right what can I do to make my life better for me in the long term...I'm sure you know the answer.

Health does not mean comprimising beauty...you just need to find the healthy way to get there...both physically and mentally...and it starts with believing in yourself.

You are a good person and you deserve good things for yourself...take the first step and ask for help.

Keep coming back for support here too, we understand and care for your recovery.

Thinking of you
MG x

I have to do this alone. I don't have any money and I don't have any time, and the only support I have is from my boyfriend, who lives 1000 miles away - and he doesn't get it either.
I'm not doing group therapy... I've done it and it just makes me hate myself even more than I already do. (Last time: "Wait, you're bulimic? But... people who do that are supposed to be skinny, and you are VERY FAR from skinny." That was especially nice after I threw up for so long that I'd lost 50 lbs.)

You are not alone. Though I am not bulimic, I am anorexic and purge, I went through a very similar circumstances. The first and second time I was very ill, my boyfriend tried to help me and made me promise too. He said everything your boyfriend said and all he wanted me to be was happy cause I was beautiful no matter what. But I can honestly tell you that like you it wasn't a promise I was able to keep. You can't recover for everyone around you, you also need to recover for you!
I was healthy for a whole year and, like you, I am sick again. I never got professional help and made promises to others I couldn't keep and promises to myself that I wasn't ready to make. Recovery is really hard, and it's day by day, but you have to do it for you too. And this site, I can honestly say, helps so much! Just to know you are not alone in this at all helps.

Good luck and I hope you keep writing :)

allee

Sweetie,
I am so sori that person insulted you, that was a very insensitive thing to do, sometimes people say terrible things without realising the longterm impact it has on us.
But I get it, I understand...that need, that panic, that feeling of worthlessness, that wanting the weight to be gone so much, you want it done yesterday.

I too have struggled with bulimia, I vomited up everything or used laxatives, I exercised like crazy. I felt drained and tired and looked gaunt and my periods stopped for months...yes I did lose weight, I was not any happier, my life became my disorder, everything came second place, the ED came first, I was incased in this cycle of exercise, binging and purging...and eventually I put the weight back on, after recovery.

I am now suffering from binge eating disorder, partly because I entered into a terrible relationship over two years ago and this is how I "cope". But this is not a way to live life, believe me...I have been trying to do this ALONE for 6 months and I'm still in the same place.

So I've decided enough is enough and I called a therapy centre...they offer professional couselling support on a sliding scale, as I am out of work I cannot afford much, so whatever I can afford is perfect...they even said just E5 would be fine.

Believe me I understand your stress, I understand the pressure you feel under to want to be something else right now..but you are not alone...this is a battle you can win, you just need the right armour...that's where we come in.

I believe you can do this...it just takes small steps to move forward. You don't want to be stuck in a vicious cycle, you want to be ED free, and live a healthy long life.

I think you need to de-stress yourself for a moment, take time to breathe. It will get better. I really do think you need professional guidance and really encourage it to get to the root of this problem, because without it, it can go on for years and years...and you deserve to care for yourself.

Please keep talking, when do you think the unhealthy attitude with food started? Mine was when I was about 15, I am now 27.
Do you have any friends/family around you that you can talk to, talking is fantastic and really allows you to hear what you are doing and telling yourself.
Have you started to believe you can beat this ED?

I hope you get a good rest tonight and start off tomorrow, refreshed with a new optimism for the future, because you deserve it. If I could take the stress away that I am sensing from you I absolutely would.

I'm thinking of you hun, and sending you loads of hugs.
Your Friend
MG x

Hi..and welcome. I just want to encourage you to continue to share here and please know that we all 'get it'. People who make crude remarks such as you mentioned are simply ignorant, and most likely very selfish. You are suffering. You deserve to get help. Eating disorders are very dangerous, and it's not about will power or lack of.
I suggest you get professional help as soon as possible. It's truly the only way you can truly put this behind you and live a happy and healthy life. Wishing you the best...Jan ♥

Thank you for all the responses.

My problems started when I was a teenager. My mom had cancer, and after she died I filled the hole with food. And then I got really really heavy, and when people started to make fun of me for that, I started making myself sick, because I couldn't keep myself from eating.

I get better, and then I get worse. It's been 10 years since I started, and I have gone years at a time without purging. This time, it was only a matter of months.

I can't afford therapy... that whole sliding scale thing, in my experience, is a crock. "Oh, of COURSE!" they say. "We'll charge you ONLY what you can pay." And that ends up being what I could pay if I paid no bills, bought no groceries, and got an extra job. No, thanks.

I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't get sick, and the promise helps... but only to a point. Because as much as I don't want to do it, there's a part of me that still wants to, or I wouldn't still be doing it.

The question I ask myself every day is "do you want to be skinny, or do you want to be healthy?" The problem is that the answer isn't always the right one.

Hey Anon,
I know what you mean about healthy V skinny. It sounds like you've grappled with this for quite a long time. You are not alone in this. I know this sounds like a cliche to you right now...but skinny does not mean better...that can be very hard for a sufferer of an ED to comprehend...it's as if we believe if we just make it to this size...then we will be happy...it doesn't work that way.

You have identified two major issues which have hindered your recovery. Although that may be painful, it is the route that has to be taken to break yourself free of this.

I am so sorry about the passing of your Mum, that must have been very difficult and it is understandable that you needed some coping mechanism.

I also know the awful long term effects bullying has...it has plauged me for years...one particulat day still haunts me,

Please remember this ED that you are suffering from is not a diet that is tough to control...it goes way beyond those realms...into a form of self torture, guilt and loathing.

Now the councelling centre I am attending, they know how much money I receive and I have agreed to contribute €25 per session, so there will be no embarrasment about that when payment time arrives. They were very glad to have that much...as they understand that people have a lot less with the recessionary times we are in. I don't know if this would spur you on to make inquires...as I cannot encourage you enough to get that help, you have deep wounds that need healing.

I have found journalling my thoughts and feelings help. Keeping it close to me and writting down anything...happiness, sadness, fears, joys...what I want from life and how I am going to achieve it...it wouldn't make much sense to anyone else...just to me. And a food plan helps too...also making plans for the next day helps, planning out your day, hour by hour so you don't have 5 or 6 hours to do nothing but think about this, because that is difficult.

I am here to support and encourage you of course...I want you to be well mentally and physically. I understand how utterly demanding this illness is.

Keep coming back for support and reading other people's stories, it will help you too, this site has help me so much too.

Thinking of you
MG x

I understand as well, another way you can get professional help is to check with the universities in your area. I am training to become a licensed therapist and we are required so many "free" hours as interns (that are supervised) to clients. This is free therapy - yup free. Another thing you can do is look for therapists and ask if they do pro bono work and see what happens there. i am bulimic and started when i was 14 and am now 39 just completing one year of undergoing therapy and group sessions. all group sessions are not alike either if they make mean comments you can leave and look for another one. also you can do online support group meetings where no one can see you and they may help you to get support. also look for workbooks and other dvd's etc in your library that will give you free advice. there is help for you. i do dbt techniques which assists me with keeping mindful and has been more helpful (with my therapist) than any talk therapy alone and group therapy.
ed will tell you many things - that you aren't worth it, that you shouldn't try to get help, that you can't do it, just so many things please don't believe him and know that you are strong - because you reached out to us. let me know how you're doing
be well