So... I need to figure out if this is me or him or the both of us. I have this strange curse on my head: there has never been a lasting marriage in my mother's side of the family. My cousin is the only one that isn't divorced yet, but she hasn't reached her 50's, which is when it usually happens. But she's got the formula... kids, husband and our genes. IDK if it's my BP or wtf it is, but I have this knack for finding people, loving them and finding one flaw over which to leave them.
But whatever. THIS time, I feel like i'm being controlled. I don't have a job, thanks to my BP, and so have been bringing in meager income into the house. I'm still paying my side of the rent and some random bills but.. nothing substantial. My bf, is a total penny pincher. And laaately, I feel like he's been dictating how every little thing needs to be done. FYI, he has some major emotional issues of his own, his immaturity and insecurity is through the roof. And he's a neat/control freak when it comes to neat ness. But... I am a messy person. I like mess, it allows me to think and to feel chaotic in a controlled manner. Everything being in its place is suffocating. Which is exactly how I feel right now. So... the latest thing was the cat food. The food is overflowing, so it must be lower in order not to cause a mess or be wasteful. Nothing must go a week without being cleaned. I have to eat this in the fridge, finish that. Keep the laundry off of the floor, tidy up, don't leave the dishes downstairs, pick this up,come to bed... blah blah blah, so many ****ing demands! I feel like he's going to tell me what to start wearing next. Which, I do to him... but now he likes how I've upgraded his wardrobe. Funny how that happens. Have you called this, done that. And seriously? cat food? He can't let me just have the cat food however I want it?
IDK if i'm just bitching or if I have a case, but that coupled with his extreme immaturity right now is driving me ****ing nuts. Don't buy this, don't eat that, scratch my back, you're eating too late blah blah blah. It never ****ing stops with him, SHEESH! How have you other ladies done it? How have you loved and stayed with someone? I love him to death, but there are times that I just want him to shut the **** up and go away. There is a lot of history between us, and I have put up with SO much from him... but now I feel like i'm the bad guy and I'm the one doing horrible things. Seriously, I need some ****ing mess but he doesn't respect that and wont have it so, I've just been overly cleaning until I get sick of it and throw everything to ****. Not very productive.
milkosflower
simple solution u have one area that is not his, this area is yours for u to do what u wish to do it works best if it has a door u can close so he cant see it.
in reality he will prob still freak but it will lessen as it stays contained to the one area,as for the rest u need to sort out and prioritize what is a niggle and what is a concern,
for example when mine was partcipating in our lives he whined about eatin cheese and crackers before bed, simple soulution i eat them when i made the last cuppa of the night no moaning and peace for me
just a ffew thoughts for u
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
That does sound like a good idea. I am just having major issues dealing with him right now... he is acting like a five year old child again, and every time he does this and gets into behavior nitpick mode, he goes off and does something to boost his self esteem like run off to craigslist or say mean things to me... I really don't know why we are even still together sometimes, it just feels like a **** train wreck all of the time. He has major self esteem issues, he doesn't really know who he is either... ugh.
I've got bp.
All that you write about I have experienced and all I think I want is to leave, get divorced.
Then I feel how much I love him and I start to feel bad about myself that when I finally can't take it anymore I turn and bark at him to leave me the f alone. I think his immaturity tells him he is helping when he's climbing up my but about everything, like he's trying to help me. I can totally lose my mind when I feel someone nattering at me. We have been able to have different rooms within the house. He knows to leave me alone and I know to leave him alone. But once we separate I have to deal with my hurt and anger that it has happened again. I don't feel like I deserve it - I keep the heat down, I stay on budget - below budget but that's just not enough. My anger can blossom to spitting venom back at him in a horrible mean way. Then I hate myself because I love him. So to avoid that spiral of self hatred I just stay in my room until I have dealt with my anger on my own. It can take hours but it's better than the other what happens in my own head after I lose it. Try the time apart, it gives you more power to deal with your own ****. When I am separated from him I force myself to think about how much he loves me and how much he has to deal with my bp. Then I force myself to remember how I love him even though though he doesn't listen etc because he's a MAN. And then I always go forward not backwards. I force myself not to go back into whatever fight separated us. Most days we spend hours separately but it's those hours where I feel like I am learning about my bp (recently diagnosed, previously just thought I was seriously defective) and he is seriously learning about himself. In turn I believe we will grow together slowly but surely. The separate rooms stop me from filing for divorce from my best friend. F
From the mud, an orchid will appear and in a big pool of mud, two orchids can emerge.
Hopefully
Wow. I could not have said it better myself. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It just drives me nuts that they act that way... I just feel as though I have told him hundreds of times what bothers me but he just doesn't listen... He still bosses me around and interrogates me about this to-do list of **** he keeps for me in his brain and it drives me insane. I can't fucking take it. We had a similar discussion about this like two weeks ago but he's right back at it... He hasn't gone to therapy in a while and I really think that's the main problem. The separate room thing is a good idea, we have a split level so I'll stay downstairs and he stays upstairs when we are fighting or I'm angry. My biggest issue is whether to feel justified, or whether to dump this on my head. The reason for all of my anger is terribly embarrassing to me... I posted about it here a while ago like one of the firsts posts, I just had to get it out of my system, but I feel as though it's gotten worse.
I just don't know if I'm playing a victim or he really is taking advantage of me. I am losing my mind right about now to be perfectly honest... he's doing what upsets me but to a higher degree, and i am going to drown myself in a pizza before I start screaming and pulling my fucking hair out.
milk
i will read your rage one and return
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
I too get embarrassed about my anger. I get stuck on why we women feel so badly about anger and men don't seem to feel that same level of disappointment in themselves.
Remember to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. I'm not saying I can't do this consistently but when I'm dumping it on myself, taking responsibility, I work on forgiving myself first thing. It helps avoid what I call the downward spiral of self belief, self trust etc
These days I just take it one hour at a time. When I can forgive myself I can more easily forgive my husband and his 'stuff'. I've been asking him to go to therapy for himself and i'm crossing my fingers as he has his 1st appt this friday. Yeah
Always forward, never backward...
tsdvicbc
well that is a good way to deal with the rage and anger
and its great that he is off to therapy let us know how it went and if it has an impact on your lifestyle
milk
i guess the best u can do at the moment is work thru the anger/rage and see if resummes a normal living or escalates but the hour by hour might work for u in your situation
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)