Relief acceptance and a fiery furnace

*some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.*
~ arthur gordon
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i have felt stuck lately, unable, as if this uphill climb is unclimbable. i have been ashamed to admit that it appears that the more i try, or learn, or notice, or begin to understand- the more difficult it is getting a bite into my mouth. not wanting to seem non-compliant or as some sort of drama-mama, i have remained silent in the presence of my therapist. telling the truth to her might be just the excuse she is looking for to dump me.
today, however, i told the truth. she had asked me to follow a mp. thinking i could do it, i was/am horrified at how difficult it truly is. all i could see was that my inability would be interpreted as non-compliance. she was darling and supportive when i reluctantly explained my difficulties. she even had an explanation for my phenomenon...
she explained that some people deny their issues, re-word them in their head, lie to themselves, make it into something else, find excuses, etc. something will usually happen for that person that lines everything up so she/he SEES that the characteristics and criteria of such issue DO in fact pertain to her/him. as all that smacks a person in the face, it is difficult to move through it in order to fix it. it makes moving through it just THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. she said she believes this is happening to me.
i have twisted and turned for years. i have denied, lied, made it into something else, won't say the words, obsessed over food but won't mention that word in therapy, go crazy with worry over my size, blah blah fucking blah. the correlations b/t me and the eating disorder criteria are scary-real. i have never made that kind of connection to that illness. the more i see and understand and can relate to, the more disturbed and agitated i am becoming.
i find myself faced with a mp equipped with no better skills than what i have always posessed. *just do it. just move through it. just sit with it.* if it were truly that simple, i'd have done that long ago. staring directly in the soul of my eating disorder fans the flames of it's fiery furnace! no appetite. no hunger. no craving. feeling ill. hate food. love emptiness. i see the mp and everything in me shuts down.
but? i am beginning to accept that i do in fact have an illness... an illness that has plagued me for many years...an illness that has stolen and continues to steal little bits of life from me.
i'm relieved as hell that my therapist is so very human and so very gracious. although i did NOT get any tips on how to get the fucking bite into my mouth, i am pleased to report relief, relief that my therapist sees that i am trying, understands it IS difficult, and will not abandon me. she's in it to win it.
i have been in denial and apathetic for far too long. acceptance is at least a teeny step in the right direction.
thank you for reading. my soul is reaching out...
namaste
xoxo

Stonemala, it takes a lot of courage to admit this and talk about it freely as you just have.
I can relate to your post on so many levels; if it was as easy as just eating, dont you think I would have done that by now? People often just dont get it. But we do here, and are here to support you through this.

I dont have a MP or any guidance from a professional in that aspect of my ED, but i'm forcing myself to eat a lunch of veggies everyday....today it took me 1.5 hours and a lot of tears to do it....but I did it. The more I sat there and thought about what I was doing, the longer it took me to do. Towards the end, I turned on my television for distraction and finished off the veggies and meal replacement bar in less then 15 mins. I think distractions can be good in these type situations, although, I am no expert.

You are not alone in this battle, we are here for you <3

blossoming lilac,
thank you for such kind words. it has taken me close to 30 years to make this admission. yes distractions can help. i have been reduced to getting online and writing a friend, documenting each bite in parenthesis as i write about my day or my feelings or whatever. i'm ashamed to admit that it took me close to 50 mins. to get half a banana into my body... but what matters is that I DID IT. and i had a witness and a cheerleader.
thank you for assuring me that i am not alone. btw: i love chai tea- mixed with warmed soy milk.
namaste
xo

Mmmmm you read my mind <3 I could totally go for a chai and when i used to drink soy (i only drink water :S ) it was fabulous in my chai....i love the spicy bite that the chai has <3

It doesnt matter how long it took, the point is you did it :) I'm very proud of you!

Amy....love you dear friend....the truth can truly set you free...I know it's taken a lot for you to share...but you are...Namaste!! ♥