Right so, a year ago today I woke up and had intrusive thoug

Right so, a year ago today I woke up and had intrusive thoughts in my head screaming lesbian. I felt sick and i didn't eat for three days and I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to go out with my friends I wanted to stay home. When I found out (self diagnosed) that this might be hocd I had such a relief. But after a couple of months the intrusive thoughts and fear and anxiety had pretty much gone which left me wondering if I really am gay and if I was every straight. Then I developed a transgender obsession which i found harder to disprove as just a thought. There was some similarities with both obsessions which made me think it was ocd. Before this I think I always had ocd. When I was young I had a fear of dying in my sleep and cried every night. I am so scared of getting a disease or an illness. I used to repetitively touch thing 4 times or have to do something 4 times and I used to move every ornament in my room slightly before I went to sleep to feel "right". So I think ive had ocd my whole life, and I think it was hocd and I'm kind of sure it was Tocd. But now I don't know what I am. I had my first kiss last night (I'm 16, a girl - I hope despite Tocd) and it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be and it was pretty weird and this is making me think that I am gay and it's bringing up loads of reasons why I would prefer to be with a girl and I'm just so confused now ! Please can anyone help me?? I'd be very very very grateful!!
Happy new year!

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Being trans and being a lesbian are two separate things so that's a pretty big indicator to me you have OCD.

@jdd I don't think we should give her anymore reassurance, it doesn't seem like she's implementing any advice people have given her countless times before. Whilst we care for her well-being and want her to get better, the only thing any of us can advise at this point is for her to seek therapy. Since she is in the UK, it would be free for her.

Thank you for your replies both of you. And I know @ah_94 but I can't go to therapy becasue I am too afraid to tell my parents because I don't think they would understand. I do try to take everyone's advice, and I am so so grateful for the advice I get. Thank you for pointing it out though!! I guess I'm just to scared to deal with this.

I think that by listing all the reasons you think you've had ocd for years is a manipulative way to get reassurance from others and to reassure yourself that you are suffering from ocd and are not actually gay or transgender. I do the exact same thing; if I can prove to myself that I've always had ocd by thinking about ocd behaviours I exhibited in the past, then that's probably what it is now.

From Anxiety & Panic Disorders to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)