Rough Time

I met my dietitian for the first time on Wednesday. I thought that part wouldn’t be as emotionally taxing as the therapy but I was wrong. Are the initial stages of fighting EDs harder than the rest? Or is it just wherever you are in life you find is more difficult only because you already overcame the past? Here I am at the beginning of my third week fighting this ED, I thought it would be easier after I “came out” and decided to get help but in fact that was the easy part. Answering the therapist’s questions weren’t so difficult the first time. After I met the dietitian I was completely thrown off. I wanted to cry after she told me what I needed to do. We didn’t go over a menu as we didn’t have time but just the overview of what she said scared the hell out of me. My reaction wasn’t the “right” one according to my therapist’s reaction, instead of feeling relieved I felt more stressed and more afraid that I would gain weight from this—exactly what I feared before beginning this. I asked her as I don’t have a menu what should I do tomorrow? They give me this information but not the tools I felt completely lost. She told me to just do what I usually do. I’m not sure if that’s the appropriate response from a therapist but it made me feel better and more relieved so I took it and ran.
I thought it was fine to do what I usually do but now I find myself stressing much more than I did before. Everything I do is wrong. A new feeling came up today; I was sick to my stomach from what I ate. Though it was what I planned and I guess according to the dietitian under eating I couldn’t help but feel like a cow. I feel like instead of improving I’m deteriorating. Do you need to deteriorate before improving?
I accomplished everything I wanted to today, but still feel like I completely ruined my day from over eating (though I’m pretty sure it was restricting).
How do you get these thoughts out of your head?? I’m tired. I’m hopeless. I’m afraid this was worst than I thought. I’m afraid it’ll take longer than I thought and I’m nervous to find out what this really will uncover.

I need help.


I'm thinking of you today... This is tough... Yes, it takes a looong time to heal. There's nothing easy about "outing" oneself. About asking for help. Facing the things beneath our eating disorder's behaviors... Whew... Very difficult. Painful. Acutely sharp. But eventually it WILL get easier... "Easier" might not be the right word, but acting in a healthy way will become second nature, as the eating disordered behaviors are second nature now. Does that make sense? You're learning to replace your rules with new rules. :) That's hard to do... The thinking will follow the actions... In time, dear... Hang in there... You can do this!! ♥



Taylor, all of your thoughts and fears at this point in your recovery are completely normal. I would recommend that you read a few books about this process. Jenni Schaefer is a recovered anorexic that wrote about her journey in 2 wonderful, funny, and extremely helpful books. Life without ED is the first so start there. You should be able to find it at your local library.
I promise you are not alone in your feelings. We have all been there!

Jen, thanks for your insight it made sense and helped me a lot. made me realize there may be light at the end of the tunnel, though I may not see it at the moment...

Britta, I will look into Jenni's books as soon as I get home, I looked them up online and they seem interesting. I was looking for a book that might help me through this so I will gladly take this suggestion!

Hi Taylor,

Regardless of what anyone says, there is never a right or wrong way to feel. As someone who is recovering from anorexia also, your feelings and reactions seemed perfectly normal! I pretty much did the same thing!

My dietitian gave me these numbers I had to meet everyday, and sent me on my way. We didn't set up a menu. I felt overwhelmed because it was up to me to make food decisions and hit those numbers on my own... scary!!

-The feeling you are getting from eating (feeling like you overate, feeling miserable, feeling super uncomfortable) is your body fighting ED. Your body is not used to getting nutrition, so in a way it's kind of new again. My therapist calls this "sitting through the fire" of early recovery. It's going to be uncomfortable, it's going to suck, but you just have to keep pushing forward.

I know it's hard to see progress right now, but all those icky feelings that are coming up are in fact signs of recovery and signs of progress. You're taking charge and telling the eating disorder to get lost, and the struggle is making life hell.

Keep with it! It gets easier!!!

I agree with what everyone else has said. Beginning recovery is very very difficult, no way around it. It may not get easier for a while, but I think you will begin to realize the possible benefits of recovery, which will help you to keep going.
The thoughts that plague you will not go away quickly, but they WILL NOT stay with you forever. You must stabilize your eating and weight, and begin to work on the emotional issues, before the thinking patterns begin to change much...but they WILL! Please don't give up, and know that you are worth fighting for! Take care....Jan ♥