S-u-r-p-r-i-s-e

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

no tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. no surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.
~ robert frost
******************************
when i give myself distance and reprieve from the twirl, i have no tears. denial chases the tears away. invincibility ironically creates my vulnerability to the SURPRISE of how others' view my reality. oh how that invincibility crumbles into shame, and pain, and tears...

i took a 2-week sabbatical from therapy over the holiday. expecting that my therapist would discuss our holiday, i walked into my most recent session completely unaware of what lie in wait for me..... prepared to talk about presents, food, fam damily, and all the other mess that holidays stir up- i sat down to my therapist asking me where i wanted to begin- since we had a lot to cover. WTF? a lot to cover? really? like what????? [be careful what you ask, my sisterhood,- even in the quiet spaces of your mind- b/c you just might GET the answer.]

my therapist cut to the chase, completely bipassing any and all bullshit regarding the holidays. she outlined the goals we had talked about previously and how JANUARY was the magic month in which my progress [or fucking lack there of] would be judged. completely KNOWING that i have ignored and conveniently forgotten about a few of the *goals*, i have really been betting everything on the efforts that i HAVE made, hoping that those would be enough. although the official jury is still out, she was leaning toward calling my bluff, taking me for everything i have, and awarding me a quilty verdict.

should i have seen this coming? DID i see this coming? i simply can't cop to ignorance here. something in me knows that while some efforts are successful, i've simply allowed them to justify my lack of successes in many other areas. and although i KNOW this, i want SO BADLY for the efforts that i have made to count for something- to count as EVERYTHING actually. regardless of my pseudo-ignorance, denial, wishful thinking--- i was SURPRISED nonetheless. shocked. stunned.

never before have i allowed a conversation about numbers or *ailments*. my therapist lunged directly into asking about *symptoms*.... and numbers. she's not stupid. she knows i HATE to go near ANY of that. but as she caught me off-guard, i answered a few questions honestly... i averted eye-contact and shut down... i became all-too aware of where this session was heading.

i want no tears. i want no surprise. i want easy. i want relief. i want to sleep peacefully and to wake up in a new time, as a new me--- a me that has no tears and no surprises- and that also has no denial.

namaste to my sisterhood of readers.
amy xoxo

2

easy will come after hard, and peace will come after war. but i do know that you will find it all!

as for 'no denial':
would you wanna share with us both, the things you still need to work on but as well your efforts and achievments?

love
maedi

3

Amy, welcome back and happy new year, I've missed your honesty <3
Did you share with your therapist the successes you have made or was the focus negatively shifted to the goals you haven't? Perhaps she was trying to motivate you to 'go big or go home'. I am very proud of everything u have accomplished, your words always inspire me to be a better person <3

4

Amy, friend... ♥

I'm sorry that today came as such a horrible shock to you... Denial can be comfortable in that whole ignorance-is-bliss line of thinking... But eventually we must all face the truth. You can heal, sweetie. ♥ You CAN. I am cheering you on from Houston. :)

What is your next step?

Lots of love,

Jen

5

Great point Jen...what IS your next step Amy??
Love you....Jan ♥

6

I totally understand the feeling of being blindsided by the therapist. It’s hard to feel and anticipate a certain situation and then be confronted. We cannot always see things objectively and it seems your therapist was trying to relay what she is seeing in terms of the progress in recovery. I commend you for continuing with therapy and really uncovering and exploring whats underneath the disorder and working on goals. These sucesses DO count and are valid. How are you feeling about your next session? I think it is important to share with your therapist your feelings of being confronted and shutting down during the session. Did you leave feeling like you see where the work needs to be done and that you can actually take some steps towards it? Thinking of you :)

7

good morning- maedi, gina, jen, and jan...

uuugh.

after writing a few paragraphs---- censoring, backspacing, carefully perfecting.... i deleted it all.

i appreciate more than i can express that you read my post and responded...
namaste-
amy

8

You should never feel the need to censor Amy, not here and not with us!

9

amy, please do talk to us. you have nothing to hold back on here cause you know this is the place where you are truely understood and without any judgement!!
we love you for your kindness and beautiful spirit and absolute honesty!

love
maedi

10

sweet surrender, gina, and maedi----

the warmth of your acceptance and support is like no other.

i am not ready. i used to think that i was waiting for something... for what? i don't know. maybe i'm still waiting, but the push/pull is surprisingly confusing. i'm just not ready.

whenever i feel myself drawn to really doing the work, i am sabataged by the push/pull. i have no idea HOW to unchain myself. i would have never believed that somehow FEAR would be involved.... but i am terrified. terrified to change, to hold on, to move, to breathe. i've been quite simply reduced, recently, to being such a hypocrite! confusion has penetrated the essence of who i am. for as clearly as i can really see all this sometimes, i am equally as blinded by the fucking thrill.

god help me. did i seriously write the word *thrill*? such a simple word that holds so much destruction and pain.

i'm afraid of real, true honesty. encrypted self-preservation is all that my push/ pull will allow.

for as much as i hate--- and i do mean HATE that brings tears to my eyes and leaves a poisonous aftertaste in my mouth--- all this and what it is doing to me and to those around me, i l-o-v-e it. THAT horrifies me.

scared. trembling. i'm a fucking scared pet guinea pig whose cage door is WIDE OPEN, but i haven't the sense or the GUTS to grab a hold of my freedom...........so i continue to tremble with fear staring at the open door.....

how on earth did all this get so confusing and so difficult?

thank you for reading. xo

11

Amy,

Tears... It's a horrible thing to see the way out, but feel so trapped and paralyzed by the fear of taking a step... I understand your conflicting feelings of hate and love for your eating disorder... But I would challenge the "love" part of that equation... :) Being afraid to change and leave ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving is not really the same thing as loving the way you're living... ♥

A squirrel on the road... That's how I often felt in recovery... Standing there, an oncoming 18-wheeler headed in my direction, and me, made powerless by fear, unable to move out of the way. I don't know *how* I was able to unstick my own feet... But I think that others shoving from behind made no small difference. ;0)

I don't have answers, dear friend... Only love and support for you. HUGS!! ♥

Love,

Jen

12

sweet sky-writer... mighty squirrel........

thank you for such a personal response. your words always comfort me....

sigh. today is a new day: a new day following one of my bi-monthly breakdowns. yep, about every other week, my vesuvius overflows. as i emotionally breakdown, my weeping takes over---and i am somehow transformed back into the demonic invincibility that ironically perpetuates these breakdowns.

i cried yesterday.... i cried:
**for the handfulls of hair in the little trashcan in the bathroom.
**for the nick in my throat...for my swollen and sore throat...for the unbearable shame.
**over my aches and pains.
**for my mom.
**for past loves.
**to be held.
**for a do-over.
**over the peanut butter i ate.
**for the low quality of my life.
**over my dizziness.
**b/c sometimes i am simply afraid- just afraid.

following the cleansing of the cry and a little rest, i am once again renewed... although none of what i cried over has changed in any way, my senses are less burdened- and my strength swells. puffed and ready for my day, i curse peanut butter, my achiness, my dizziness, and my fear.

i DO feel the *shoving from behind*, jen. my superglued feet cling to the dreaded limbo in which they are STUCK. hmmmm, limbo? or just slowly going down down down? [wimper]

thank you for reading.
namaste xo

13

amy, i can so feel the same ambivalent tug'a'war going on inside of me. changing myself? changing my way of living? changing the way i think? accepting that i shouldn't strive for perfect, for skinny, for a different (non-exiostent) me? i simply cannot imagine it. cause what or who would i be without all that ED, depression, self harm 'give' me? i cannot even think of on time in my life when i was actually satisfied with who i was. so how could i go back to this?

yet how can i stay the way i am now?? ask yourself, amy, how would you continue with ED in your life? you simply CANNOT live this way, it will only kill you!! so try and make the positive life loving, smiling part inside you stronger. think about what you wish for, the changes you really want. write them down. and remember them everytime ED is trying to tell you to stick around!!

love ya
maedi

14

You're words, even when describing your struggles inspire me. You are such a strong woman with a great grasp on life. You can and will conquer all that fails you, of that I'm sure-us stubborn women ( I am openly a stubbornista) just like to take our own pace and do it our way.

15

Mmmm... Spilling tears can certainly take the edge off... Releasing some of the building pressure. But you're right; crying doesn't change facts... I'm glad you feel renewed and stronger, Amy! ♥ I hope you can harness some of that energy before it lulls you into a false security, or denial in any case...

You haven't said... What are the people in your life pushing you towards? What's that next step you are so struggling to take? ♥ Answer if you choose. :)

Much love, always,

Jen

16

Amy, how are you doing today??? hope you can spread some of your beautiful smile onto this world!!

hang in there, honey!

love
maedi

17

good morning, my sweet sisterhood...

i took some time yesterday to think about if and how i have grown through writing on this site. like many of you, i have had my ups and downs- that are clearly reflected in my posts. i miss the ups. i miss feeling hope. i miss feeling capable. but, i HAVE indeed grown. with the aide of the honesty of my sisterhood, i have been able to read others' journeys and apply it to my own. the swirls of undefined, messy emotion now have words attached to them... i have grown to be able to really HEAR and KNOW what is going on with my thoughts and feelings. although this knowledge IS due to some growing, it nonetheless hurts me in ways from which i am not recovering. order: chaos: new order. i loathe this chaos.

with all that psycho-babbly bullshit being said, i have cried more this past week- esp. yesterday- than i have in a very long time. i am on the edge of insanity. i long for that *ignorance*- that *ignorance* that kept the pain just a little further from me. the gift of knowledge confuses me all the more- hearing my thoughts for what they really are makes me feel crazy.

the push/pull: it's splintering my brain.

thank you for your personal accounts that let me know that i am not alone. as for the next step? last week i claimed that there IS NO next step- that i will stick it out with my therapist b/c I JUST HAVE TO. other people, however, have a *next step* in mind--- and are gently pushing me to make the decision on my own...

good gawd! how can i possibly make the decision that they are pushing for? b/c of the lack of insufficient progams in my area, and due to the longevity of my oddities, rcc has been suggested as my next step. deep breath.

my partner has it all mapped out, financially and logistically. my family is on board. my therapist danced around it last week--- and went in for the kill today. this morning, my therapist suggested rcc as well... and insisted that if i chose NOT to take that route, that she would insist on at least 2 times a week therapy with her plus therapy with an eating disorder specialist AND weekly visits with a nutritionist.

i walked away from my therapy appointment this morning in a fog of confusion. shaking, a bit disoriented, in disbelief. none of this is unfolding in a way i had imagined. confronting an issue is a GOOD thing. going to therapy is a GOOD thing. WHY is this so fucking hard? WHY aren't my efforts making a difference? if i'd known that it would become worse... THIS MUCH WORSE... i would have never made the effort to find a therapist. i hate this. i h-a-t-e this.

for all the crying i have done, not a tear was shed today. stoic and unable to make ANY eye contact at all, i sat through my session barely speaking, barely feeling, barely present. shock? fatigue? breaking down? apathetic? it's all such a blur.

thank you for reading. my soul feels the warmth that is being offered to me and is gobbling it up. i hate feeling needy... what i hate more is ADMITTING to feeling needy. wimper and a few tears.

namaste
xo

18

I love you dear friend...♥

19

Sparing all my usual "mea culpas" for not being here and not being supportive:
I love you too Amy and continue to pray for you each and every day.

It's all going to come to a head at some point, right? Dancing endlessly in limbo is NOT an option

All my love and prayers
Molly

20

Amy,

For all the pain you're going through, I can understand that wish to go back in time and not ask for help. Back then, you were firmly in "order"... Things weren't good, but you more or less knew what to expect... You are deeply in the chaos, dear friend... I know that when you reach the other side, you will NEVER regret asking for help and trying to save your own life! You ARE a survivor! Someday you'll do more than that; you'll thrive. ♥

Love and Hugs!! ♥

Jen