I remember every Saturday night I always had plans,something to do,somewhere to go but now there’s zero!At times it really makes me feel old and isolated,I know my Life is different now and Im adjusting to that but there was always something special about the weekend and Saturday night was like a reward for making it through the week.It didn’t have to be anything big or fancy maybe just going to the movies or meeting up with friends for a drink or a meal.I think the part I miss the most was being part of a group that constantly invited me somewhere,whether or not I could make it,I had somewhere to go.It feels incredibly difficult as an almost 60 year old adult to just “wing it” and go out.I realize Im still grieving the loss of my Father and at times I don’t even want to go out but maybe it’s just the idea that if I was invited I could?Maybe that sounds silly but so much of feeling lonely comes out of my thoughts and Im thinking alot about being on my own with no social life.I don’t know about anybody else but also the nights feel so much more lonely than the days.At night,all my anxieties magnify and memories seem to gang up on me and make sitting at home feel 10 times worse.Id like to think there will come a time when I find my new group of friends and begin to go out a bit but right now it’s hard to imagine.
What did you use to do?
Well it was 20 years ago,I cared for my Mom until she passed and then moved to be with my Dad until he passed just recently so all this time my social life has dwindled down and down.20 years ago my life was full of work friends and other friends from my hometown.I was dating and going out for the usual movies or Olive Garden meet up.I think the years of isolation have made me feel out of touch and when I moved to my Dads house it took me over 2 hours away from where most of my friends/.acquaintances are located.After awhile people stop inviting you when they come to understand you are a caregiver staying close to home.Ive been in touch with friends and Im sure invitations would be forthcoming but again Im far away from everyone.I realize I need to move but my grief does still have me kind of paralyzed.I think I was just venting my feelings about Saturdays nights and wishing things could be different right now!!I know I need to be patient as life is constantly changing and I will find my way it’s just so hard currently.
Would you move back to where the people you know are? i feel like that would help. do you have their numbers or anyway to contact them? I think its important to not isolate, i understand you were taking care of your parents and it happens a lot that when we take care of someone else we are not taking care of ourselves, so you need to do that now. You already know grief is hard so just take your time you know, i think it will help if you go out alone and start enjoying your own company, i know it sucks a bit but it does help, enjoy the park during the day and all of that, you got this!
Thank you for your kindness and encouragement!I would move back but I just cant afford it.Where I am now is very affordable and where Im from has become extremely expensive .Also ,moving would involve selling my Dads house and Im just not ready to even think about that,I have not even been able to go through his clothes yet…Ive been calling old friends and chatting and I think one day I will be able to move and reconnect with everyone its just tough now.So many people have advised me to not make any big decisions while still grieving and I agree with them.My biggest fear is jumping out of here and not being able to even afford monthly bills.I am just keeping up where I am so I guess I have to sacrifice moving right now.I really do enjoy my own company I have many many interests that keep me occupied at home reading,sewing,knitting,drawing,journaling and listening to music.I guess Im just longing for more,but it will come just not right now.
When there are multiple issues/aspects going on, you need to tackle each one separately. Many people jumble things up in their mind, conflate and intermingle all kinds of things and then try to find help with it all. It’s just not possible to untangle and address multiple issues, which almost always exist only in the mind.
There are other aspects to your post that struck me.
“I’ve always gone out on a Saturday night/the weekend”.
This is something you have setup in your mind, based on past experiences of “Saturday nights” and how they were.
If they tended to be good experiences, people often believe that more good experiences will follow, or that “something will/could happen on Saturday night”. This is entirely self-created and such thoughts will put you into a position of looking for/expecting “something to happen”, or at the very least a nice time with someone or a group.
And the more something good happens, the more it reinforces your “experience log” or tally, giving you more “proof” about going out on Saturday night. This log accumulates and can then become like a drug and the arrival of Saturdays is highly anticipated and you then just can’t wait. This is precisely how an addictive drug works.
So when it all stops, it is natural to feel bereft of what is no longer. But just remember that there was a time when you did not go out on Saturday nights and you were fine and the sky didn’t fall.
There is another (possibly more than one) issue with this in that you are seeking external things to provide you with stimulation and such stimulation is then compared, by you, to the not as stimulating experiences, which will obviously pale by comparison, much like addicted drug users can’t enjoy simple everyday things.
By placing the weight of expectation on external things to provide you with stimulation, you are setting things up for yourself so that not as stimulating things may not stand much of a chance of having appeal to you.
This is much like someone who regularly consumes too much sugar or salt. They are then unable to appreciate the subtle sweetness or saltiness of something natural, as their taste buds have been abused and altered by the high sugar/salt.
Also, we tend not to remember all the not nice aspects of something (or someone), when we miss them. There are all kinds of elements that exist, good and bad, in every situation, but when we miss something, we tend to ignore and forget all the unpleasant/undesirable aspects and just remember the highs, the laughs, the excitement, etc.
Its not possible in a text only forum, filled with unknown lay people, to properly understand and then remedy a perceived problem. The mind is enormously complex and extreme accuracy is required when trying to help someone, preferably face to face.
The above are just some of the things to perhaps think about.
You make some excellent points.Nostalgia is quite often infused with the “Rose colored glasses” viewpoint.I do sometimes think yes everything was better,more fun,life in general was great!Actually the truth is that Life had its same share of problems it has today and Saturday nights were nice but not the be all end all.I find a lot of enjoyment staying home alone,I have a myriad of interests that help me to pass the time every night and day.I have come to know that all that I need is within me and that seeking fulfillment or completeness externally is of low value.There are so many things I would like to idealize about Saturday nights but I do realize I am just comforting myself by building up a memory of a time that actually belongs in the past and the person I am becoming now needs to find her new "Saturday Night."Thank you for your insights and comments