Saw a New Therapist

SO, I went to my first meeting with my new therapist today. She is super sweet, caring, but at the same time insanely hardcore. We butted heads when she suggested I go back on medication but she didn't back down...so I am calling my doctor tomorrow to see if I can get on some new meds.

It was really the "get-to-know-you" phase of our relationship but she did say she is extremely worried about me. She said I don't look well and I look really weak and tired. I didn't lie and I told her I am all of those things. She said I HAVE to eat enough to sustain my body, and I told her I know that but right now my meal plan is way too overwhelming for me.

She validated all of my feelings revolving around control, the need to be successful and "perfect"...but she did say I need to find a better way of dealing with these emotions. Control, and success are basic human needs...I just need to find healthy outlets that make me feel these things.

She is worried because the holidays are here and my wedding is about 6 weeks away...this means added stress even if it is good stress. She really wants to work on dealing with stresses because she wants me to remember my wedding day as the happiest day of my life--she said I deserve that.

Today was also hard because my fiancé abruptly turned to me in the car and said "if your ED means that much to you...I don't want to be around you anymore". I don't know what that means for our relationship...but I know he is exhausted when it comes to my ED. I am scared of losing him---but that isn't even kicking me into gear.

I am still not eating. I haven't purged...but I am still restricting. Today in the shower I spit up a lot of blood--that doesn't even make sense to me. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and if it continues I will get it checked out.

much love,
Ashley

Ashley....honey, you need something hard-core, so to speak. Please do whatever it takes to move beyond this. You CAN follow the meal plan, it just may feel awful. Distress tolerance is the key here, so perhaps this therapist can help you with that. What about a time in a facility to stabilize things, or a hospital if you are truly unstable?
Your wedding is only 6 weeks away? If so, please think carefully about whether you are in any shape to take on that responsibility and if your fiance is ready to take care of you in this state. You CAN do this, but you have to decide you are going to.....stick with it and FIGHT!! Thinking of you...Jan ♥

ashley i agree with jan--that you may need the hard core tactics right now..i am glad she speaks her mind. im so sorry you are struggling... i am... did you tell her about what you were feeling about yourself and such? im glad she was nice.

i really do hope you can overcome this period. i beleive you can. but you have to look inside of you for the change. if not all the therapy in the world and inpateint wont matter cause you have to want it so bad---from every fibre of your being...

i really really hope you get the blood checked out like super fast! that is not good...at all and very dangerous..

love
maureen

Jan, I can't go back to a facility because of my job and there is no place near enough to me to do OP or something like that. I am going to have to work with my therapist and dietitian.

Maureen, I didn't really get to tell her all about how I felt about myself because we were getting the preliminary details down. The trauma history, my suicide attempt, past IP treatment...etc. I am sure next week we will talk more about how I feel about myself.

I saw my dietitian today and she said I am going to have to go through refeeding again since I have been restricting so badly. She then asked me to eat something at every meal time and to go ahead and keep my salad for dinner. That way the refeeding process is slow and not so overwhelming. I told her I was already overwhelmed thinking about it. She then asked me what I could do...I told her I wouldn't purge but that I couldn't eat anymore then what I am eating now. One salad a day...she wasn't happy but she said for this week I can make that my goal since I am too overwhelmed. I am glad she isn't forcing me to do something---not like she could force me, but at them same time I feel like my behaviors aren't THAT bad if I am being allowed to continue them...this is just how my twisted mind is rolling.

hugs,
Ashley

Theres no place at all that offers OP?

I am happy to hear you went to see your new therapist and it seems rather promising! I am sorry that you are going through a tough time! Keep fighting, okay? You can do this. I know a meal plan is scary, but it makes such a difference. The first weeks are hard but once you get through that it becomes so much easier. You can do this

Thinking of you

allee

Gina, the closest OP program is 2 hours away... :/

Ashley,
What about a PHP or IOP program for a few weeks to stabilize things?
Just thinking....of you....Jan ♥

I tried to eat "normal" food...meaning I tried to eat something other then just a salad but I freaked out and purged...saw more blood. calling my doctor today.

ashley

therapy can be the hardest thing to go through. trust me i know. but remember that sometimes its necessary in our recovery. sometimes i think about how therapy has saved my life and there is hope for the future

i was scared to go back on meds after what i have been through but to tell you it has saved my life.

i hope one day that you will strong and try to completely honest with your new therapist. i have come to realize that if you are honest then they cant help you.

be strong and if u cant tell them everything write a letter to them

i can tell my therapist anything...I don't have a problem with being honest. and i have been in therapy before--and on meds before. None of this is new to me. thanks for your sweet words though.