My two sons and I are currently going through a divorce with their father. We have supported him through deployment, school after school, time away for work, and even lived overseas with him for the last three years. He started partying and going out with other women until all hours of the night spending more money in one night than I was allowed to spend on groceries and diapers for a month. Well he got to his new school and decided that he wanted a divorce. It has been two weeks and he is yelling at me because I have not filed the papers yet. Everytime he sends me another email I just cry. I keep having moments when I just cannot stop crying. I am so hurt and feel like I failed as a wife and mother because I couldn't keep him from wanting to spend time with other women more than myself or the children. I am so scared to be alone and that I will never find someone to be a proper father figure for my children. My STBX was controlling and emotionally abusive. He was in control of all of the finances and has left me with little more than our two children. I am almost finished with my Bachelors degree and I am scared that I will not be able to get my last semester done. Can someone please tell me where to start rebuilding my life?
i would check and see with a lawyer if you can make him pay alimony until you find work since you were by his side through everything and you need to get back on your feet since he had control over all of the money. i would tell a lawyer everything that you are going through. if you were not working and you were taking care of the children he can be made to pay alimony to you and also will have to pay child support. i would go after him for alimony and child support. you and your children can not go without. you were there for him and he wasnt there for all of you. do not feel like a failure you did the best you could and you still are. i would get a lawyer right away because whoever gets a lawyer first gets to make the first decision in things.
Hello So Lonely,
I'm a retired military guy and unfortunately recently seperated. Go to your family support center on base or on post, pending on which branch of the service.
They have people there that can help you in this situation. Don't forget that the medical facility has counselors and mental health professions there for you to use. If you're still a spouse you have free access to them so use them.
You may have to put your education on hold until this is worked out but whatever you do DON'T forget to complete your degree. That is something you've worked hard for and it will help you throughout your life.
Please write us and let us know how we can help or maybe there are some other questions you have that we can help answer. Your first step was a good one... coming here and talking about it.
I guess I need to know whether or not need to get an attorney or not. We have been able to figure out custody and support. Visitation cannot be planned due to his job. He is harassing me about getting the papers filed and taken care of. He is in a different state right now and he keeps saying that he cannot file because he is not a resident so I have to do it. It has only been two weeks since he told me he wanted a divorce. I am having a hard time dealing with everything but I am trying. Am I doing anything he can use against me by not filing right now. We have created an agreement with JAG that says everything that we have agreed upon. I know that I want a divorce I just need to know that my kids will be taken care of. Do I need an attorney even if I have been given an agreement that has een notarized and signed giving me everything that I want and am willing to agree to?
Hello, so lonely. Well, eventually, you will need a lawyer for the divorce. But, just because he is out of state, does not mean he cannot hire an attorney from your state, i am assuming that is also his legal residence. He cannot dictate to you any longer. And how are you suppose to pay for a lawyer? Tell him to call one if he wants one so badly. That aside, you should call one as well. Know your rights. its empowering!
Hi so lonely. How are you doing today? You no doubt have been put in a crappy position, but don't for one minute think you failed as a wife and a mother because you have a wandering husband. It's typically not anything a spouse did, it's something within the other person that they feel they have the right to do whatever they want to do with no regard for anyone else...maybe he just plain has an antisocial behavior problem and can't help it that he lacks consideration for others. He's flawed, you're not. You sound like a great mother to your kids because if you weren't, you wouldn't be worrying about how they're feeling and thinking about someday having a great father figure for them.
Because he's a military guy, Vman's message to you is really good. I hadn't stopped to think about all the benefits you do have through the military and he's right, use all of them!!!
Regarding the attorney issue, I wouldn't sign one thing until it's reviewed by an attorney who is going to be representing only you. My now ex pulled a fast one on the wife before me (he's had like 5 or 6, little did I know at the time....crazy!) and I remember when we started dating he bragged about how he told her she didn't need an attorney, he had one, they could both use the attorney he picked out, and she got screwed over royally. Since your husband is not in the same state with you right now anyway, I'd flat out tell him if he wants to get the divorce started, then fine, he can figure out how to go file. What's his big rush since he just told you two weeks ago. I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I'd be tempted to not even pick up his calls, read his e-mails or any text messages....I'd take a break and let him wonder what's going on. He's wearing you down and I hate to see that being done to anyone!
Keep us posted on how you're doing and if there's anything you feel like venting about, you're at a great place to do it! Hugs to you and try to give your mind a rest if you can. Sunshine!
Okay so I finally hired the attorney and got the paperwork going. I was so worried about the day that I had to go and tell a stranger about my life but I have to be honest that I felt the greatest sense of peace that I have felt in years after sitting with him. My soon to be ex is now telling me that the children will see how life really is and how horrible I am for making their dad want to get a divorce. I also found out that he had been planning to get the divorce for nearly a year. He is now telling me that he never loved me and only wanted me because he knew I would make cute kids. What can I do to get him to leave me alone I know that he has to have a phone to be able to reach the kids but he has only spoken to them three times in three months he spends more time dergading me and telling me about affairs that he had and just being completely emotionally abusive. What can I do to get away from this kind of behavior I have told him that he is no longer allowed to voice his opinion about me and my choices. I was offered a job as a correctional officer in a state pen the city it is in is not really even a city it is a very small town with a high drug usage rate. He told me that if I move the kids to this town I am just setting my children up for a life of meth use. I have not worked for five years as I have been taking care of my young childrena nd following him around the world for work so he could be around the kids. How can I stop the harassment?
Dont speak to him. Tell him you if he is not speaking about the children then you have nothing to talk about. Do not let him pull you in! If he begins to talk about personal or emotional topics, get off the phone! You must cut all ties....
I am glad you filed for divorce, but in my opinion, if he wanted it then he should have filed. He used a very passive-aggressive way to get what he wants, which sheds light on his character.
Of course it's all your fault that he needed to be with other women. Of course you are setting your kids up for a life of meth use if you take a job to support them. At least that's what your husband thinks. I hope you reach a point where you don't believe it.
Take the job. It's none of his freaking business. He has abandoned ship and his opinion is no longer relevant.
Allow him to call and speak to his kids, but do not get sucked into the habit of the kids handing you the phone when he is done talking to them. And do not let your kids pass his messages to you. Likewise, do not use your kids to pass messages to their dad for you.
He is trying to control your actions from another state. Shame on him.
you absolutely need a lawyer. this man is a sociopath.
you have some great advice on here to follow. Be strong! YOU are a good mother! We can all see this from what you write. You have friends and support here, so use us. I have and it helps. If he is harrassing you , just tell him to talk with your lawyer! Don't let him get inside your head to much. It very hard, I know. You wil be strong one moment and weak the next, don't get to upset with yourself about it.
Just do what you can to protect your body & mind and be there for your kids.
If he keeps bothering you via email block him...The phone is tougher.
There is a lot of great advice, definately get some counseling. I was having a very tough time and was also on an emotional roller coaster but that helped a lot.
I am not sure where you go to school, but if it is a larger college or university, they will have a Dean of Students. That is the person who you should go to. Tell him/her that you are having problems in your personal life that have affected you financially. If you are a good student, they may have a reason to work with you and direct you to resources that will help you stay in school.
Chances are, when your hubby quits running around like a kid in a candy shop, he will settle down and be the father that your kids have always known. I know it sucks that he gets to run around while you struggle, but your kids will always remember how brave Mommy was to hold the family together. You probably won't need to look for a father-figure in a new relationship, but you may have to reframe your expecations for what fathering the kids looks like.
Please go to a family support center at your local base, you can also consult a lawyer on base. You can also contact his commanding officer (who will lay down the hammer which could be effective in his stopping from abusing you). You could also do as I did (my ex was military, abusive post deployment, controlling and threatened me as well)....file a restraining order and keep a copy of it on you at all times!! If he wants the divorce that badly, tell him he can start procedings, why should you have to??
I wish my ex’s command would lay the hammer on him. They didn’t do jack when they walked in on him yelling at me in front of my friend and four kids… Told him to stop yelling and calm down. That’s all. Barely a slap on the wrist.
Keep everything he sends to you, texts, e-mails, write a journal of things that he says. This will go further in court than anything. I am also divorcing a man in the Army. Have been a military wife/stay at home mom since 2003 and now I'm back looking and applying for jobs, I have a degree and am working on my second one. Let me tell you, you don't have much longer to go in school, don't let it screw you over. I passed my three classes and my grades dipped down to a D at one point, but you have kids who are depending on you to be who they know you are. It is not easy separating from the military life because adjusting to being a civilian is difficult, but it can be done. Don't let his threats stop you from doing what you need to do. If that is a job you want then you go for it. What are they doing to do (his military branch), stop you? He can move all over the earth for his job but you can't move to where you can support yourself and the kids? No. Don't let him run over you. My ex is military and very good at manipulating things to get what he wants. He can't know you're scared and can't know that you're basically feeling lost without the life you used to live.. Trust me, I still feel that and we separated in March 2011.. Feel free to message (I don't know if you can on here) me .. there are more like you (military wife separating from that life),. Good luck.