Scared of what bulimia has done to my body

i can't even cough loud without hearing a poping noise, im sick today an cant even be just 'sick' without dealing with the outcome of bulimia, it's still a struggle even knowing what this has done, how can i overcome this completly...

Hello! Are you currently seeing a specialist for your bulimia?

Hi and welcome!
how long have you been dealing with your bulimia? i'm really sorry that it has taken such a toll on you.

xx
maedi

hi, thank u both for ur responses, um i have been doing this since i was 13, now i'am 27, its been on and off every other mth latley, i think my body has finally had enough.....do u mind telling me a lil about urselfs storys?? it might help?

i started by accident. i found eating too much makes me puke. if i purposefully ate more than my stomach felt it could handle at the time, it came back up. this worked well for me. i was 13 when i found this out. i was abused by my step-dad for three years (age 9-13) he died and i started to b/p because if made me feel like i did inside. no one knew about any of this. i tried talking to my mom about it but he wasn't like that...so it progressed. i was one of the popular kids in high school and college cause i fit the body and played sports. i worked at the gym in excess. after i failed my attempt at college i bounced around for a while and finally ended in PA. the ED i had was the only thing that kept me from feeling like i had no control at all. it was a thin wire but it was there. once in PA i got into a group home that helped people with mental disorders and such. mine were bi-polar and bulimia. they were supposed to help me get back on my feet and back into life. i spent five years there. and only got worse from it. last year i found my sweetheart we met on-line and we fell in love. i moved to her and we have been together since Feb of this year.

in the five years i was in the program that was 'helping' me my ED got worse. about two months before i met my love, i was told i had about a month to live if i did not stop my b/p behaviors. you know the saying what goes up must come down, well that was my food but in reverse i was trying to kill myself through my b/p and eating next to nothing. my sweetheart gave me a reason to live and want to be better than what i was at that time. she was my savior.

my life has been so much better and i have been able to live for once through her help. well that is the short version of my story. 14 years of bulimia squeezed into such a short space, but there it is. i hope it helped you some.

Scarlette

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Scarlette. I hope things keep looking up! I'm sure that having someone who truly cares standing by your side makes a big difference.

But how scary that treatment made you worse!

I started at age 17, and am almost 30 now. I keep thinking about that Terry Schivo case several years ago. I remember being rather striken at the time to learn she had gone into her coma indirectly from her bulimia. I studied psychology in high school and college. Of course, what I gleaned from those courses was that most bulimics are teens - not mothers who should know better.

The last few months have been some of the worst for me with my ED. Totally understand the "what goes down must come up" feeling. I was going to be a nurse. Took all the pre-requisites, sat on the waiting list and worked as a nursing assistant... I KNOW how bad this is for my body. I just somehow can't bridge that gap between knowledge and actions, however.

I recently started teaching the 5th and 6th grade girls at church, and a couple of the other leaders were talking about getting the girls and their moms to some retreat. One of the leaders was talking about how a mother's self image is passed on to her daughters. My little girls are almost seven and one, and the thought of them battling inner demons like these terrifies me more than anything. My parents have taken in foster children, and are about to adopt three more, so I have three new sisters looking up to me as well. Two in those tender, preteen years. So, it was a real wake-up call. Honestly, I can't even imagine being "normal", but I guess it's just a matter of taking things little by little. One day at a time. Or hour. Or minute...

thank you for sharing ur storys,scarlette ur story is such a inspiration, i’m glad u r here to share it, u r brave and courageous, everyone one us who share E/D face it every day, but being able to share it w all of u is so great, i dnt feel alone anymore. i found this website by accicdent the other day, and said, ah wat the heck, and now im so happy i did.:slight_smile: shadinah, ur right, wen u say u cant imagine your daughters going through this, i have a 3 yr old girl an its devestating to think that, no matter how much we love are children, it is still a fight everyday, do i want to die and leave them all alone cuz of this disorder? heck no, but my mind is so strong willed right now with temptation, it seems like nothing will stop me, but being here today and right now with all of you will help i truly feel that it will. we seem to have alot of similaritys with this E/D i really thought i was alone with this. thank you all, love an peace

yuo're definitely not alone! and now that you're on here you never will be.

i have been stuck in this for 15 years now and i still don't know how to overcome it all. but i have to keep trying. we can't give up, it's simply not an option and fortunately being part of this site now schows me why: because we can beat it!! as long as we have each other we can pull through!!

xxx
maedi

well thats awesome to know, thank u! as for today, it is another struggle, ate too many chicken nuggets that i baked for my daughter, now, well u know how im feeling and it is sooo hard to stop thinking about b/p, my stomach hurts, im beyond tempted, even tho i was scared yesterday, i still want to! i feel like im on a drug or sumthing, like i want it soo bad, the feeling the urge, but ik how bad it is.....

you're doing so well CK! i know it sounds ridiculous right now, but the longer you resist that urge the weaker it will get. go out for a walk, take your daughter playing, do something other than focusing on feeling full.
remind yourself, you do this for yourself, your family, for your daughter to have a life without ED.

i know you can overcome this!!
email me anytime if you need to!

love
maedi

THANK YOU SOO MUCH, I WILL GO AND DO SUMTHING TO RAKE MY MIND OFF OF IT. MY DAUGHTERS ROOM NEEDS TO BE CLEANED...IT DOES FEEL GOOD WHEN I DNT B/P, BUT IT'S ALWAYS IN MY BRAIN, THATS THE FIGHT, YA KNOW? THANK U AGAIN!

i would highly suggest you see a doctor soon. EDs can be very dangerous and i have suffered the consequences of my ED. EDs are dangerous if untreated. not to scare you at all---but i feel you should get checked out.

love
maureen

CK - I totally understand the weakness. It is such a fight. I realize that this is what I turn to instead of drugs or alcohol or cigarettes. Finding something else to do is a great plan. I found that even getting away from the floor the kitchen and bathroom was on has helped - either being upstairs or outside... Best of luck to you!

hi christa, you are not scaring me, it is very helpful info, my mom is begging me to go to the doctors as well, and i will, next week i will try for monday, and keep you all posted, until then, i will try to do other things, like i do photography on the side so im pretty booked this weekend so that should keep me busy....thank u all! goodnight

Hello, what you described, cooking and eating the chicken nuggets, doesnt sound all like a binge to me, it sounds more like a meal...but i guess a binge doesnt have a clear definition. The key is to distract...when you have the urge to b/p tell yourself you are going to wait 5 mins before doing so...only 5 mins. After you wait that 5 mins and if you do b/p, you still succeeded, your goal was to only wait out the 5 mins, which you did. Then the next time the urge comes..wait 10 mins, then 15, then eventually you'll get to 45 mins etc and the urge will weaken.

awesome tip, gina, never thought of it that way! thanks.
xxxxx

<3 your welcome

Had another moment of weakness, and now ever since I threw up, my ears feel like they are plugged. I hate what I am doing to myself!

hey shadinah, can you tell you what caused you to slip up? anything specific happened or are you generally feeling low? talk to us!

xxxx

You're not alone. It took me a really long time to learn that, but there are so many people dealing with the same exact problem. I used to not even be able to talk about it because I was so ashamed. Here we are!!

xo - best wishes
Dani