Scared shitless

So I am a 30 year old female and was diagnosed with ocd I think when I was 12. I remember going to a therapist and eventually got on paxil which seemed to keep my symptoms at bay for a long time. So I've been under alot of stress lately and have been in recovery for 4 months. I am constantly worrying about everything. It consumes me the what ifs. I have a very hard time just living in the moment. Well my ocd is back with a vengeance. About 4 weeks ago I started having these horrifying thoughts of hurting or molesting my daughter. I cant get the thoughts out of my head. Its scares the **** out of me. I have never had these thoughts before. Now I wonder am I a sick child molester or crazy. Ive been honest with my family and have been doing alot of research on ocd and it seems its a pretty common obsession but doesnt make it any easier to deal with. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to change her diaper or give her a bath. I know in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt her but its very scary. I don't want to
hurt her but then mry mind plays tricks on me why would I have these thoughts if i really didn't want to? My anxiety is through the roof. Some days I am physically sick. I even went to an inpatient psych hospital because I was so scared. I keep obsessing about thethoughts and they wont go away. I did get back on my paxil and am now taking something for anxiety but I just want them to go away. I am forcing myself to change her diaper and give her a bath. Then i obsess about things, well I must hate her if i am having these thoughts. This is hell and no one understands it unless they have ocd. My mom says well just don't think about it. Lol. Easier said then done.

Lindsey80, please try not to be hard on yourself, your OCD and anxiety has taken over you and consumed you. Did the inpatient treatment help you and is this something that you can continue on a regular basis? As well, have you started to notice a difference since being back on the Paxil and anxiety medication? The only thing that I can suggest, although I am not a doctor, is to try meditative happy/positive thoughts while you're with your daughter and to continually practice these thoughts to get you to a positive mindset. I know that you will get through this and come out better on the other end. I am here to listen and help in any way that I can.

Thank you for the positive thoughts. The inpatient didn’t help to much. I also have bipolar disorder, gad and major depressive disorder in addition to ocd. Lucky me. I have been in so many inpatients its hard to say lol! I just wish there was more education on this disorder. It pisses me off that the doctors go to school for this and don’t seem to know shit. I guess it helped in the aspect that I did get back on paxil and my anxiety is getting a little better. I know it takes time for the meds to work but its so hard to wait when u feel so awful.

That really is so frustrating, I can't believe that there's not more knowledge and research available on this area. I have a friend who has OCD and bi-polar; she's been on meds since she's been 18 [she's now 35]. I know that it hasn't been an easy path for her, but she has weekly therapy sessions that get her through and help her a ton.

I can imagine how tough this moment is but knowing that the meds will continue to take affect and your symptoms will get better and better is very promising. If you can just focus on how you will feel then, may help you better get through this tough moment.