Screaming inside

My aunt is dying from brain cancer and the doctors say she could die in a week or any day. she means the world to me because she has helped me through hard times and is one of very few to make me feel loved and supported with everything I do in life. I've had a year to adjust to the idea of her having cancer and the fact that she might not make it but I still cant believe it. I feel like its a really bad dream that keeps happening over and over again. I keep thinking that there has to be something that I can do for her; that some how I can make this go away but I can't and it feels like my fault. I have not seen her because she does not want to see any family at this point, she does not want everyone to see her at her worst. she wont answer the phone, so i cant even talk to her one last time. every time the phone rings at home, i think its my grandmother calling to say that she has passed. that phone rings and the anxiety just takes over, i start to shake, my chest starts to hurt, and i feel like im going to throw up. all this just makes me want to scream, knowing that she could be gone any min. my heart is breaking and i know when shes gone some of my heart will go with her. my daughter loves her just as much and all she knows is that auntie is feeling sick but when that time comes to tell her, i have to be strong for her but I feel so weak and drained, im not sure if i can. some how i need to find the strength for both of us.

just venting

Honey I feel your pain, is there a way to go see her anyway even if she does not want anyone to see her this way so you can hold her, help her & so shes not alone, my mom died in '81, brain cancer & even when she was in a coma I was right there talking to her, giving her hugs. It is a helpless feeling & I did my best to NOT be selfish & think only of what I was losing & my feelings & went to her, go be by her side.

All my strengths.

April

I've gone over to see her and no one will answer the door. she has told her husband not to let anyone in and like i said she wont answer the phone. I would love to be there with her but right now that does not look possible. Thank you for sharing with me, and thank you for your support.

I'm sorry honey, that may be different in a week or so though & she'll want to surround herself with her loved ones.

Take care of you

April

yeah I hope so.

Take care

Being in the other persons shoes I know what means a lot to me and that is sicerity and it is visible to us. It's the little things , the small jestures of caring that helps me when I'm down. I know I'm going to die and I will be at pease and for people to realize that and understand that means a lot. We are not here for a long time, we're here for a short time and we all need to make the best of it when we can. For me there are a lot of people who send me email with pretty words. We all read the words that tell us how to live , how to treat others, words to live by, inspirational words, happy thoughts they all pretty words that make us feel good, words that make us cry, makes us happy, words that make us want to get up in the morning. I don't want to hear those words anymore, I want to here words from a real person looking me in the eye and saying what they feel from the heart, their words, not some words from famous people or words from a card. Just talk to me. I hope this helps from someone who is on the recieving end of the heartfelt love from those who care about me.
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